First time ECT by scrabbling

[Scrabbling]

Hi to all especially mmMeKitty, the  Pages here have  changed and I can no longer find our thread and I haven't got the tolerance to spend  hours on my phone, so I hope you see this.  as I said before the roller coaster has been at Full Speed and it finally came into the station which  is Ward and I had to make a decision. I cannot keep going the way I am and  the doctors have mentioned a few times in the last 6 months about ECT to be honest it absolutely bloody terrified me, I know we shouldn't assume but I think everyone  has seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!!! certainly didn't help people's perception. I have been drowning for a long time it's been like walking in a thick fog I was desensitized totally to life and unbearably sad and just wanted it all to stop, the staff here on ward have been fantastic and I had my first ECT yesterday I will be honest it wasn't a perfect run, my anxiety exploded as I am awful to cannulate at the best at times but when I'm stressed my veins disappear, so I think I was a bit like "when you give a pill to a cat" and you retrieve it off the curtains and off the back of the couch and from under the bed !!!! that was me, the staff were very patient and finally they managed to get a vein, I woke up with a minor headache and a little bit of shoulder blade soreness none that really wasn't sorted with some Panadol, I did have a sore neck later that night again that went away with just the hot shower, I can't speak for everybody and possibly may even sound stupid but after the treatment I had a snooze for a few hours and  I did feel clearer and even if it was  briefly a spark (excuse the pun) the old me made a breif appearance, yes the sadness came back in the afternoon and I'm sure I will be having a few more treatments but I had nearly forgotten the old me. So will see how things pan out,

[Croix]

Dear Scrabblng~

Just at the moment it is quite hard to find posts you have been on before. I suspect the one where you were talking with @mmMekitty was

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/deuce/td-p/17613

If you go there and find you were thinking of somewhere else then clicking on mmMekitty's name will show mmMekitty's profile with all past posts,you might recognize one of them.

No, ECT is nothing like in the movies, and it is most important ot remember that YOU are in charge, can discuss matters with the therapists  and reach sensible conclusions about how to go ahead. I'm really glad htere was that little spark, (and you have not lost your sense of humor:) -  hope for future things to come.

You sound as if you have had great experiencing trying to give a cat 😾 a pill 💊 - I  understand perfectly through many similar wresting matches (Croix=0, Cat=100)

Please let us know how you go

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen,

I'm so happy to have found you again! 😺 Finally I thought to look into my own profile, in the list where posts I"ve replied to are, & found your other Discussion/thread there! Easy once I looked.

I will 'Follow' (in Options) this Discussion & the other, 'Deuce', so you can decide which you'd like to write in at any given time. 

Thank you, Croix, for helping.😺I ended up getting the vet to give Mekitty's once-a-month tablet, just to be sure she got it into her.

That arfing movie! Sure has discouraged many people from ECT, but also going into hospital, & having any trust or faith at all. They ought to include a big warning at the beginning, & even during the movie, announcing in words & voice, "This Is FICTION!". It's as if many people might already imagine the worst, then see that movie, & think it's all true.

As you now from your own experience, Helen, that's not how ECT is done. Sadly it may have been like that in some places, in the not so distant past, but things have changed.

As Croix points out, ask questions about anything your treating doctors suggest. Even if you think you know the answer, ask anyway, just to be absolutely clear about what you might agree to.

You & Croix & anyone really, is welcome to click on my name up there, next to my picture, & see what they can  of my profile. (no contact details, birthday or anything like that. Very little except which posts I've made & which I've posted to elsewhere on the Forums). 

I hope you are able to find how this upgraded Forums work, but if you need more help,please ask, & we can try our best to help. There are Discussions in the 'Introducing Yourself section, which have more info. as well as going through the FAQ's.

Hope to hear how you are going again, soon.

Warmest 💖💖💖💖

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hello Helen & Croix,

Thank you, Croix, 'Deuce' is the Discussion/thread we have been talking in, but I don't mind if Scrabbling/Helen wants to talk here or even in my own 'Introducing mmMekitty' Discussion/thread:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/long-term-support-over-the/introducing-mmmekitty/td-p/3739 

I hope you were able to ask your questions & feel you have had time to consider what agreeing to ECT would mean, & what if you refused it. You have the right to understand your options & what the consequences of your choices might be. I think it would be very important for you to make this important decision about your own health.

Hope we talk again, when & where you choose.

Warmly

💖💖💖💖💖, for you, Helen,

& 💖💖💖💖for Croix, Mrs C & the cats.

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Hi, im still on ward, had 4 ECT and thought I was good to go but still here, I'm a bugger to put under so that's not helping the stress levels,  I'm  certainly  testing their sedation skills, I'm presuming  I'm here for next week?? I still cannot  get my head around being  unemployed and that sucks Iwas so good at my job and I feel like I've let the oldies  down, now they have no one to stick up for them, anyway the time is passing, i feel a bit clearer but are experiencing so so much sadness,  i wish it would stop  anyway have ECT in the morning its leaving me with a headache.and I've noticed  my nerves are rather jumpy, but I suppose  that's to be expected,  hope you are staying well and covid safe,kind regards  Helen 

[Croix]

Dear Scrabbling (with a wave to mmMekitty)~

Do you mind if I call you Helen? I'd like to if I may.

You have had a fair number of talks with mmMekitty, and I could not imagine a better person to talk to. (Even has a sense of humor!)

I guess reading back over your past couple of threads two thngs come out in common between you and me.

We both believe there are those 3 types of people - I'd imagine you are with that last sort -the ones that know how to help and want to do so. If you come to believe that is can be a comfort.

The other is a different sort of comfort. "I've been here before and come out the other side" is the thought that really means something to me and can get me through.

By now you will have found that while ECT is not that pleasant it's nothing like the movie you mentioned.  BTW have they given you anything for the headaches?

Sometimes it may help to reflect back on the good effects one has had on others. When you visited the nursing home and the residents there were so pleased to see you they cried or wanted to hug you that  speaks volumes about you

I hope you have a peaceful night

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Helen,

Hope this finds you feeling, if not wonderful, at least feeling some brightness can get in. 

Losing the job, which meant so much to you, I am in no doubt that is the source of a large portion of your sadness. That there is likely, also a biological source wouldn't surprise me either.

& you have another question or two to be asking your Doctor: Is the jumpiness to be expected, as something common & how much, for how long?

As Croix asks, did they give you anything for the headaches?

As I said, I am happy to stay with new Discussion of yours, or we could talk on your other, 'Deuce', Croix (who has kindly done the flipper work on & found), has supplied a link to, which is:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/suicidal-thoughts-and-self-harm/deuce/td-p/17613

I smiled to think of you being "... a bugger to put under ..." & "...  I'm  certainly  testing their sedation skills, ...". I'm sorry it stresses you. However, I think, that Helen, she's a fighter, & the staff are learning a lot from her.

Have you been able to take some time to think of what comes next, where to from here, now you are unemployed? That’s a lot of hours, & it could be a worry having time to spend, with nothing to do.

No decisions are necessary right now. This is something to think about. What options may be open to you?

Talk more soon,

Warmest,❤️

mmMekitty

(I see BB has it's emojis back, but they are hard for me to use, especially when I want to make many.‌ So we must pretend, ❤️times 6 or 10, or however much warmth & comfort you think you need.)

[mmMekitty]

Dear Helen,

No pressure to reply - just wanting to lett you know I am still here, thinking of you, sending you virtual hugs every day, wishing for the deep sadness to up & go away... even while I know it is not so simple nor easy to resolve such deep feelings.

💖💖💖💖

mmMekitty

[Scrabbling]

Hi I'm still here it has been a really hard battle that I wonder if I will ever win I just go through the same motions on ward then Parc then home . repeat again and  again!!!!!!!! I have just came out of parc and I felt really good but then 4 days later I am absolutely miserable, I feel like a dog chasing its tail and never catching !!!!!!! I am on 15 medications at night which is just downright scary and  due for more surgery next month I am just so tired of fighting I feel like I am fighting a battle that I cannot win.

I lost one of  my friends from parc it was even sadder because he was such a nice guy he seemed to be doing so well but he is gone now. I hope he has the Peace he couldn't find when he was alive.

I'm sorry for not being in touch sooner and I don't know where the time has gone.  I wish I could pick up my phone and  type that everything is fine but  i just keep going in circles and that Peace keeps  evading me no matter how hard I try I hope you're doing ok  again I apologise for being so long take care scrabbling

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Helen, 
Thank you for your continuous contribution to this forum. Stay with us. Keep writing. I hope this helps you even a bit because you are heard. Please know this. We read your words. We care about you and what happens to you. I imagine that better and worse days are to be expected. This does not diminish your feelings on a bad day. It's more that this is how it usually goes in any life, and in any condition. The difficult part is learning how to deal with ourselves during bad days. Sometimes, just the thought that eventually the table will turn around, sometimes this helps. Because they do. Eventually. By the sound, you have the fantastic help of professionals. Use their offered help. Also, ask for guidance. Do you guys have group meetings at all? If not, maybe a one-on-one session would be more beneficial for you? No pressure, just an idea to consider.