Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anne(withan-e),

Were sorry to hear that you are struggling so much and that you think the world doesn't need you.  I can assure you that you matter and that your loved ones will miss you greatly if you were not around.  We do not think that you are seeking attention or being a sook.  We recognise that this is a genuine question and that you are asking earnestly. 

Please contact Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) if you are feeling overwhelmed.  They are there to support you and it is their pleasure to do so.

You can also contact Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone and these services are here to support you.  You mean a lot to this community.  


 

[Guest_4643]

Hey Anne, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, are you safe? The world does need you, it's a blessing with you in it. You're not attention seeking or being a sook, it's ok not to be ok.

[Annewithan-e]

Thank you. I’m safe, I don’t want anyone to worry. I wouldn’t ever act on it like I said, it’s just taking so much energy feeling like this and questioning myself all the time.

I am so exhausted. The feelings and thoughts don’t stop. I just want it to stop and I feel like it’s the only way but I don’t want to not be here. I just don’t want to feel this way either.

it’s confusing and consuming. I hate being stuck here.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey, glad you're safe Anne,

I can empathise with your feelings and I'm sorry you're so exhausted. Sounds like lately it's been pretty draining lately and I just want you to know you're not on your own. We've got your back and we're here for you.

Take care of yourself xx hugs

[Guest_4643]

Hi Anne. I'm glad you're safe.

We do worry, we're a supportive bunch here, but I see where you're coming from. I know how you feel, being exhausted and feeling what you described is common, you're not alone. We're listening and here for you. Take care, be safe.

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks for being here.
I’m reaching out for the listening ears as I’m feeling pretty shaky.

you’ve all seen I’m not doing the best lately. My psychologist has seen that too. It’s been pretty bumpy. And although I feel like I’m always stuffing it up, like I just can’t talk enough to help myself - I get so stuck or I zone out... the sessions, they are one more little thing I cling to, to know I’m still trying, that there’s still a chance I’ll pull myself out of this...

unfortunately she has to reschedule this week, I’m away the next, I can get to one week and then she’s away. I’m not angry or annoyed about the missed sessions or anything, it’s life and unavoidable. I am though really angry at myself for how I am reacting. I just feel like I’m falling, and I don’t know how far I’ll fall before it stops. I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate, I just feel like I’m being completely unreasonable and childish. But I can’t convince myself I’ll be okay. It’s scary.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anne(withan-e), 

We're sorry to hear that you're shaky and feeling scared. It is okay to be upset about the cancelled appointment and that you will not see your psychologist for another two weeks. You're right, it is life, and these things are unavoidable, but you're still allowed to be upset or shaken by them. Try not to beat yourself up about this; be kind to yourself. 

Remember there are multiple, free support/counselling options to help get you through the next few weeks:

• You are welcome to get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. 
• We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please also continue to come to our forums for peer support. You arent alone in feeling this way; we are here for you. 

[smallwolf]

i just want you know that I have been there were an appointment has to be rescheduled. You get yourself ready for an appointment and then find out it is not going to happen and then it on a waiting list or until the next session. In some ways I look forward to a session as its a way of working out a problem. So when it doesn't happen it is a real downer. And YES... I should be able to cope but....

You are not alone here.

[Annewithan-e]

Having some time off work for Easter has been good. I felt a little more on top of things and less tired, despite continued poor sleep. I felt like I was going to be okay for a bit there. Like I just needed some time to recharge...

But I’ve only been home a few days and already the overwhelm has hit me. I’m so upset with myself that I have fallen over so quickly. ...but it was like a brief glimpse of something better before I threw it all away again and got lost in the mess. I’m so angry with myself for my lack of fortitude.

[smallwolf]

and perhaps that glimpse of something better shows you a future to aim for?

Two things that happened to me recently have made things better for me. I will tell you one of these - being able to say thank-you without any negative remarks. There was something a lot bigger for me that is between my psychologist and myself but...

It has so far taken me a few years of seeing a psych, and chatting with others to get to this point.

I am not telling you this so you might think "it will take that long?!?". Rather we each overcome challenges in our time and for some, it might be a month, or 6 months, or longer. Perhaps other than the fact you would have been relaxing, what else was different about that time you felt better compared to "now"? Maybe there are some things that you could incorporate into your life from that relaxing time?

Just a thought.