Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey Anne,

Just wondering how you're going? If you're not up to sharing, that's ok. Thinking of you.

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks Jumpy.

I’m about the same. I’m still feeling pretty overwhelmed and helpless.
I am pretty scared about how I’m feeling on a day to day basis. And I’m really worried it won’t get any better.
I feel like I’m just watching everything slip away.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I'm sorry you feel like that, sounds like it's been tough. Just remember you are deserving of love and support and we are here for you xx

It's ok sometimes to worry, but please try not to let it consume you, you deserve so much more than that.

Also remember that if you begin to feel really unsure of how your feeling or scared about it, reaching out is always an option. I know you've said before you find it hard, but honestly, imagine if someone else came up to you and told you about how they were struggling (with similar things to you). You would validate them I'm sure 🙂 and it's the same for you. Even if you don't think you deserve help, other people think and know you do.

Worrying that things won't get better means that you are trying hard, and even if you can't see the progress you're making for yourself, it's there I promise 🙂 It comes slowly but surely. Hang in there ok 🙂

Take care xx

[Sophie_M]

Hey Anne(withan-e),

We're so sorry to hear that you're feeling helpless. It sounds like it's been a really difficult period for you. We hope that these forums are of some comfort to you in this tough time.

You've previously mentioned that your friends are a helpful distraction. Is there a friend you can call tonight to chat with you?

Alternatively, please do remember that the counsellors at Lifeline are available for moments like this. Lifeline is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing emotional distress with access to 24/7 support on 13 11 14, or chat with them online 7pm-midnight AEDT - https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

Thanks for keeping us updated Anne. We hope you can find some comfort tonight.

[smallwolf]

hi,

I am hopeful for you that things can get better.

well they have been been for me ... if slowly.

which is nether a good nor bad thing. Things may take time. It took me a while to get used to it. I would think things were getting better and then the goal moved. Today, I have different stories I can use to deal with that. I can share these if you want.

So if you are afraid things won't get better.... well that was me also.

Hope your day was ok.

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks Jumpy. It’s so hard to see that I’m getting anywhere, but it’s nice that you’re trying to help me see.

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks Sophie, it is super difficult. I’m really grateful that I didn’t feel as alone from the replies here that night.
I have had a really hard few days, all things outside my control but really deeply challenging my ability to cope.

chatting to friends has certainly helped as a distraction.

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks time for being both sympathetic to my fear yet hopeful for me.
I’m glad to hear you’re feeling like you have strategies that are helping. Xx

[jumpyjellyfish-]

that's ok, im sorry you've been going through such a rough patch but glad you've been able to talk to friends as a distraction. you are so strong xx

[Annewithan-e]

Just my honest thoughts, please I don’t want anyone to be worried, but wondering about how I’m feeling.

I feel like I really want out. I’m so defeated and really feel like the world doesn’t need me.
But I also know I won’t do anything.

Does this mean that my feelings aren’t real, or maybe that I’m just attention seeking? That I’m not actually in trouble, more that I’m just being a sook?

I just feel it so strongly, but I won’t give in.