Fighting for me v. so very tired of everything

[Annewithan-e]

I’m so very conflicted. I’ve been fighting with myself for some time now. I get so very torn between fighting for myself, my wellness mentally and physically and being so very tired of myself I wish I wasn’t here.

I know I don’t want to die but I’m sick of feeling like this and sometimes think it would be better if I wasn’t here. Does that make sense?

I feel like such a burden. Like resources would be spent elsewhere. I feel like I’m trying so hard to get better but I’m failing. I’ve had 13 surgeries in the last two years.

I’m battling my past which has come back to haunt me when I have the least resources I’ve ever had in my life. I have so many hopes, wishes, desires... but I can’t pull myself out of this deep deep heaviness.

I am so confused, just under a year ago I was more unwell than I ever have been... I never acknowledged how unwell at the time, I was told I had about 12 weeks to live if I didn’t take certain action. Through it all I prioritized work and hardly missed a beat there but ever other element of my life suffered greatly. It’s only just hitting me now how bad things were... and how I chose to face it. How naive and ignorant I was.

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks Jumpy.
I have tried so hard to practice self care. I then struggle with feeling like an imposter or completely revert to ‘everything is okay’ mode where I stuff everything down.

my Ill health (physical) has coincided with a time of high distress as it seems my childhood has decided to jump up and scream for attention.

I wonder whether my body falling apart is in some part connected to my mental struggle, or if the body struggle has broken me down and I haven’t had the strength to continue to mask my brokenness related to my past.

Like I said I’m just torn between the fight for my life and being out of fight for anything. It’s so juxtaposed and even that makes me feel confused and helpless.

mb20lover thanks for being there. It really is incredibly hard not to feel like I am imposing on people. I’m trying to use strategies like this (writing here) to ease some of the more intense feelings, but it’s hard to trust that I’m not a drain, or being self absorbed or dramatic

[jumpyjellyfish-]

I understand, I struggle to with self care or even doing basic things to look after myself sometimes, it can be hard to find the motivation. The 'everything is okay' mindset you described can also be a tricky one, because often you know at heart and you can try logically tell yourself sometimes that maybe no, not everything is ok, but the need to be perfectly fine and just 'get over' our feelings can be overwhelming.

Like you said, physical and mental health can go hand in hand - when one becomes hurt in some way, the other can suffer, something which works both ways. It sorta stresses the importance of not pushing yourself to get better quickly though because if you try to change everything for the better at once, failure to do so can feel pretty demotivating in comparison to gradual improvement. You can't change what you've endured both mentally and physically, but you can slowly move forwards. It takes time though, and sometimes additional support. As you may have heard before, just like physical health, mental health is something that can need and deserves the attention of professional support. Do you have someone who you can talk to about what you're going through throughout the mental aspect of this journey?

As for what you said about feeling 'dramatic' or 'self absorbed', I think most of us can relate to this feeling on different levels. When I first reached out and still, I've found myself constantly invalidating my struggles or feeling like I wasn't worth it. It was like there was a part of me that was agreeing something was wrong and I deserved exactly the help I wanted, but at the same time a much bigger part of me was telling me that I didn't deserve help or that my problems weren't as big as everyone else's. Slowly though, I've been able to find more of an equilibrium as to validating myself. This thinking has come from a lot of self doubt but slowly but surely it has improved. Maybe something to keep in mind 🙂

Take care Anne xx

[Guest_4643]

You're not imposing on people, it's all good. I get what you mean though Anne(withan-e).

[Annewithan-e]

Thanks guys, in struggling my way this week, that’s hand in hand mental/physical battle of being a burden and not trusting myself, I again doubted whether I was actually unwell or it was in my head.

Well I caved to pressure and went to hospital, been admitted now. I feel a bit silly like I don’t need the fuss but just trying to settle myself in for the night. I’m torn between relief it’s not in my head and disappointment that I’m here again.

Thanks for being here and ‘getting it’. Xx

[smallwolf]

hello Anne - I know some Ann's without an e 🙂 and some with...

I hear what you say about not wanting to feel like burden, disappointment and perhaps everything else in between. When I am speaking with someone else about a thought or feeling, I will typically start with "I know this sounds odd/weird/stupid ... "

For me, logically I know my next statement should not effect me (I wish it did not) but there is some emotional tug within me that causes this feeling. So I have say a disconnect between the logical and emotional thought.

I also noticed in your first post about putting work ahead (?) of evrything else. That is something I do. It is that feeling that "I have to do it", and I cannot afford to have things left undone, people depend on me etc. It is also the way I was raised. It can be hard to put ourselves first. Yet sometimes this is what we have to do.

self care thing whether this is writing a journal or going out and doing something can be initially hard. It was for me at least.

Perhaps the one through all this is (for me)... (i) things take time, (ii) as long as I am moving forward it does not matter how slow I go, (iii) on the way up the mountain I will sometimes have to go through a valley for a better path.

Courage took to you hospital and will help you though this.

Peace to you, Tim

[Annewithan-e]

I am feeling, something so huge. I don’t know what it is. Rage, helplessness, defeat, pain. I can’t even define it.
but

i just

want

it

to

stop.

I am so done. I don’t know what to do I just can’t tolerate it.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Anne,

Thanks for checking in on the forums. It sounds as though you're experiencing some very heavy and overwhelming emotions at the moment. We hope that opening up about these feelings can help you to better understand and manage them.

Can we ask if you are receiving mental health support? Please do feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you feel would be beneficial.

Many in our community have experienced similar feelings and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.
   

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey Anne,

I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and I get that it's hard that you don't know what to do to fix it. When you're really overwhelmed, especially when it feels like its for 'no reason' or you don't know why you're feeling upset and distressed it can feel hopeless, or like there's nothing you can do. Believe me, I understand that and I am rooting for you you are so so strong and I know this sounds cringey, but I know you're feeling overwhelmed at the moment, but before now you've felt all sorts of emotions, and you are going to continue to feel all sorts of emotions - including positive ones.

Is there something you could do to help ease your mind away from your feelings, or at least try to make them lesser of an issue for you? For me that's listening to music - usually things that reflect my mood or that are inspiration but not cheesy if you know what I mean. Another thing is just going for a walk, or run or whatever - just getting out of the house for a while. Anything to just help ease up the thoughts and emotions you're dealing with.

We're here for you when you need keep reaching out I promise things will feel better and if you want to talk through more about the emotions you're experiencing here feel free to do so we're all here to listen to you. You deserve support and to feel better 💖💖💖

Take care, hugs xx

[smallwolf]

Hi Anne,

there is not much more I can add to the previous responses. I just want to you know that people here care about you and will listen. If you want to talk about this or something else....

Peace and comforting thoughts to you

[Annewithan-e]

Thankyou Tim. I appreciated your post. I’m struggling with the time. How long it’s taking, but most of all the feeling a falling backward even though I’ve worked so hard for every millimeter gain. Nights like tonight are the ones where it’s hard not to give in.