Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thank you

I'm pretty exhausted mentally and physically... Hoping to get a decent sleep and just try to start afresh tomorrow.

Hugs to you too xx

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just got off webchat with KHL... I appreciated being able to talk but I my mindset atm is making it impossible to believe that people actually care about me regardless of what they say. Like she is literally the best counselor ever and I really appreciate it but I still was thinking that which is just me being self deprecating and thinking I don't deserve help and that no one likes me so yeah... fun...

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I so wish I could show to you your future self compared to now so you could relate to the impact of chemistry on the brain and how it influences our perception of life and self. I have a favourite analogy when it comes to how I relate to myself having been influenced by depression, compared to now at this different stage of my life. I'll share it with you:

If you can, imagine some nasty little horrible creature hanging on for dear life around your neck. Every now and then it whispers cruel words into your ear. Someone says 'You are deserving of a better life' and you feel this is the truth until it whispers in your ear 'Who are you kidding. You deserve nothing. Others have it worse than you' and the lies go on and on. The heartbreaking thing is...you begin to believe.

This nasty little creature also holds in place something that feels like a dark cloak. As it holds it in place, around your neck, the cloak extends to the ground. Upon it are all the depressing words you've come to label yourself with. For me, I would say these labels read (past tense) - Hopeless, pathetic, sad, loser, unlovable so on and so on. So many words.

When the chemistry changes, the creature vanishes and that cloak falls to the ground. You no longer wear it. Instead, it's like you are left naked, like the day you were born. There are no labels, there are no false perceptions, no harsh judgements...just the chance to start again, anew. You begin exploring the world and life all over again, as you come to know yourself based on the truth.

I admit, this analogy is a little romantic in some ways yet I find it relatable. So when I say to you that you deserve the chance to know yourself, to start again and that you are loved...this is the truth. The lies, that dictate you are not worthy, come from the chemistry. It is seriously brutal and cruel at times.

You are not your thoughts; you are so much more than this.

You are loved 🙂

If you

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks, honestly I've read this a few times today before responding to just let it sink in, I really appreciate it.

Grateful that today and yesterday I've had a better than usual day, I'm feeling more hopeful now that I've been to the psychologist yesterday and she was really nice and she made me feel comfortable.

Also great to be able to talk about suicidal thoughts and self harm and intrusive thoughts and all that to someone in person without them trying to fix everything immediately or telling someone unless it's necessary and I really appreciate that. Feels good to be validated as well especially when I sometimes struggle with that.

Realising my anxiety is playing a lot more of a role in everything than I thought, and being diagnosed as a young kid maybe I kinda just thought it was my 'personality' but I think it's just fed into feeling overwhelmed and that's why I've been having issues with a low mood and feeling down.

Hope you're travelling ok, thanks again 🙂

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

So glad things went well for you with the psychologist. It is definitely a somewhat liberating feeling, to feel validation and acceptance. There's a 'lightness' to this feeling, I suppose you could say. People will feel these emotions on different levels. Some will feel them gradually, almost with no obvious trace, some will feel them through what can almost be described as a deep soulful silent all over sigh (deep relief) whereas others will be overwhelmed by tears, an enormous release or letting go of built up energy/emotion accumulated over the years. Some will even experience excitement. Myself, I felt validation and acceptance when I entered group therapy, which was what led to the end of my 15 or so years in depression.

As you gradually come to know yourself better, through the help of the psychologist, something to keep in mind is 'I am not who I think I am'. Sounds like you might have already had one of those moments: 'I kinda just thought it was my 'personality' but I think it's just fed into feeling overwhelmed and that's why I've been having issues with a low mood and feeling down.' There are always reasons for why we tick the way we do (perhaps including false perception, chemistry, environmental influences or conditioning etc) and once we discover the reasons, we have the opportunity to acknowledge we are not defined by these things, we find our definition or meaning or true identity through and beyond them.

I am excited for you on this path. I am hoping it reveals so much to you.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey therising,

sorry for the kinda late response i thought i had responded yesterday but i must've accidentally exited before i clicked post so whoopsies lol

that's a good way to describe it - the feeling of validation. it's like a weight being lifted off my shoulders, or at least for now someone to help carry the load.

im feeling ok at the moment - got through my afl district trials which helped me feel a little more confident in my abilities and im trying to hold onto that positive thing that happened today 🙂

been a little anxious about how im going to deal with disordered eating recently and whether i bring it up in my next counselling session because i know its probably not good what ive been doing but it's not majorly bad so i feel awkward about it for some reason also i dont want to have to lose control over that because i feel like its gonna cause me a lot of anxiety and yeah.......... idk what i should do with that..

also just gotta put it out there, as ive said before school sucks honestly... its not like im bad at it i suppose but im worried that imma fail or do terribly cus im behind on a lot of things so yeah... also my friendships are confusing as always but i feel like its just me taking things the wrong way. i dont wanna blame any of them so i guess i just see it as my fault - i mean it probably is me but i know i 'shouldn't say that' and whatnot but still its what im feeling.

overall im ok though, again trying to ride that high of getting into making footy districts and trying not to think about how im gonna cope with not making the next trials. feel guilty for saying that cus i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me but that's kinda what my self esteem is making you think. as you said though, maybe i'm not who i think i am.. thats definitely food for thought

sorry for rambling haha and thank you again xx

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Congrats on getting through district trials. A great achievement. To accept any great challenge is admirable. What comes out of the that challenge is another thing. It's tough when the challenges are graduating ones, leaving us at the end of each level kinda praying the next level is also going to pan out the way we want. You gotta give yourself credit based on your circumstances, being in the process of coming to understand and reform yourself. You've got a lot of challenges going on all at once on top of trials, including getting through school, making sense of your friendship group and better understanding your eating, amongst other things. Personally, I've found that coming to understand myself at times is like putting a puzzle together. While each piece appears a certain way, individual in appearance and nature, all come together to form an overall picture. Finding a good 'puzzle master' (psyche) is a blessing, in the way they can show you how to make sense of it all.

Speaking to you psyche about your eating habits is like revealing a piece of the puzzle. It might help them assess the overall picture, including assessing how your eating could also be impacting your energy levels and chemistry. If they ask 'Is there anything troubling you', allow yourself the freedom to mention it. Trust that you'll feel when the time's right. Amazing how the feeling of working up to fear is the same as the feeling in the work up to courage, the only real difference is the mindset, the thoughts that lay behind that feeling. Not sure if it will help but the next time you're there and you feel your body working up to fear/anxiety, try thinking 'Okay, I know what my body's really working up to, it's courage. I'm going to find the courage to say what I feel compelled to say'. Give yourself permission to be courageous. I know, easier said than done at times. I've found that expressing courage is not easy, it takes a lot of practice 'til it starts to feel natural.

How to manage something that doesn't feel at all natural, such as school, can be an enormous challenge to get through and takes a lot of strategy for some (including my son who's in year 10). With 47 overdue learning tasks last year, a part of that is due to my fault in not helping him manage his focus issues better. This year is all about strategy and co-management, finding what works and what doesn't.

Allowing yourself the freedom to express your thoughts is in no way rambling 🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks,

After today I'm a fair bit more inclined to want to talk to the psyche about my eating because I feel like I'm slipping further into purging to compensate for bingeing or even just eating sometimes as well as trying to restrict...

School is a challenge... I've been procrastinating a lot today from finishing an english assignment due on Tuesday and with a busy Monday arvo I get the feeling imma be screwing up my sleep schedule a little... I have tomorrow but. Also was kinda weird yesterday, I was at volleyball in the morning and was kinda upset for no reason and then in class I was trying very hard not to cry but also kinda failing at that cus I had a fair few people ask me what was wrong... it sucked cause I honestly just wanted time to just cry honestly I don't even know why I was but I had to hold it together because I was in class and everyone was happy and I just I dunno. That being said later on in the day I had like hyperactive energy but at the same time was mentally drained and then got home and was just mopey and didn't get anything done?? Lots of highs and lows yesterday.

Also thank you it sounds worth giving that strategy to manage anxiety a try just even in general because honestly anything to make me chill out when I'm unnecessarily worrying is worth it. Plus like you said once you do it for a while it can only get better from there right? Especially since once I actually say something it's so relieving to get it off of my shoulders.

I guess it isn't rambling I just say that as to not offend anyone who's going through something a lot worse than me who's reading this which I know is stupid but that's the messed up way my brain work so yeahhh...

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Definitely sounds like you had a tough and highly emotional day. Over time, I've come to understand things don't happen for no reason. There's typically a reason behind everything, although not always obvious. This is probably why I wonder so much about so many things, including the way I tick. I've been accused of being quite an analytical person. I say sue me for being wonderful 🙂

Because I love an education in mind, body and spirit (or let's call that last one natural energy), I like to wonder at times about which energetic aspect I can be dealing with in certain situations. Sometimes I find it can involve a combination. Actually, while I'm writing this around 8 in the morning on a Sunday, my husband's just walked past me, which has left me feeling a little agitated. Doesn't take a psychic to tell me how the day's probably going to go, which helps explain my agitation. He'll start with a couple of coffees and then mow the lawn, then have a shower, then go to the shop, then phone a mate to come around or he'll go and see them. He'll come home and have a few beers before falling asleep on the couch. He'll wake up, eat dinner, go watch more tv, have a few more beers and then fall asleep again. Then, at the end of the day, he'll tell me he loves me and will proclaim how much he missed me today. That's typically how most Sundays go. The reason for the agitation...

Mind: His presence and behaviour trigger some resentment for neglecting the relationship and the opportunities to nurture it

Body: My thoughts will trigger my chemistry, the chemistry responsible for the agitation. A lack of chemistry is also a factor. A down surge in oxytocin (the love or bonding chemical), will help fuel the resentment. I could go on but you get the gist

Nature: My thoughts and chemistry will trigger various feelings throughout my body. At the moment, I can feel agitation in my solar plexus, heart and throat areas. I can also sense my breathing change as my thoughts and chemistry begin to get worked up. No worries though, I've come to master to some degree 'working it out'. To calm our self down is skillful and takes practice. Distraction and certain breathing techniques can make all the difference at times

There'll be a reason why you are feeling certain energy shifts (highs and lows). Perhaps this is something worth discussing with the psych. By the way, see if you can make the most of the highs in the meantime and take note of how they feel.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Talked to psych this arvo, she asked me how my week was and if there were any particularly good or bad things that happened and I explained that day and she went through some stuff which I found helpful.

She ended up bringing up diet and was jokingly outraged when I said I didn't eat breakfast but I couldn't bring myself to say 'hey actually this is an issue for me' because I'm just too scared of saying something. Especially since she told me to try and just eat something small for breakfast because she was talking about serotonin release and all that but I don't know how I can do that but I mean I was the one who was too scared to say something. Also I just feel like I don't deserve help with it and if only I could just not eat at all and it would make me feel better. Not good I know but.

I just feel like I can't bring myself to talk about stuff because I'm too anxious about saying stuff and it's not my psych at all like she's super nice and I feel comfortable talking to her but there's just this part of me that leaves me really tongue tied when I go in there. Like she was asking me questions and I just kinda said nothing or 'umm...' I mean she wrote down something after that but instead of it being what I said I think it was the fact that I didn't... I feel like I can't get the most of out it if I'm too scared to open up though and I'm really frustrated with myself.

Literally stressing over an english assignment lol it's due tomorrow and it's a narrative and I've not finished and it's really crap and I'm a perfectionist and I just can't work on it because I hate it, you know? Like it's stressful but I can't focus and that makes me more stressed. Sounds stupid but