Everyone would be better off without me

[Lost__]

Never made a post like this so I don't really know what to say, but I'm a 23 year old female. My birthday is in a few weeks but I feel hopeless that I won't make it to 24. I've been depressed since I was about 14 years old, but things got severe when I was 18-19. I started self harming and kept it hidden so no one knew. I feel ugly, stupid, worthless and not good enough. One night when I was 19 a family member found me crying in my room self-harming and contemplating suicide and I had to start going to hospital/therapy. I've stayed overnight in hospital a few times, and was admitted to a psychiatric ward for a month when I was 20. I've struggled with alcohol dependency and binge drinking because it cleared my mind, but it caused a lot of problems and regrets. Things had gotten better and 8 months ago I was the happiest I'd ever been with my new job and boyfriend. I've been on and off meds because sometimes they don't help. I love my boyfriend, friends and family so much and I can't imagine my life without them. But in the past 4 months has been the hardest of my life and I don't know how to cope anymore. Something horrible happened and it was all my fault. I hate myself and I want to self harm but can't hide it anymore and continue to do it. I can't tell anyone this because I don't want to hurt them. I have been so depressed and draining to everyone around me and although I am trying my hardest to not bring anyone down I keep doing so. I feel like I wasn't meant to be born, I don't know where to go. I don't want to be anywhere anymore. My usual coping skills aren't working and nothing distracts me from how worthless I feel and that my brain is trying to kill me. The love I feel for everyone is overwhelming but so is the hatred for myself and the urge to destroy myself. But I could never hurt everyone around me by attempting suicide, so I feel stuck here, I'm only here for my loved ones. If I could kill myself without hurting anyone I would. I just don't want to get to the point where I actually do attempt suicide and hurt everyone around me. I feel so guilty all of the time and I don't know if I'll ever feel truly happy again. I just want to die i want the pain to stop and I just know everyone would be better off if I wasn't around, I think I bring bad things around me

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lost, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. We're so sorry to hear how difficult your journey has been and continues to be. It's really unfortunate to hear that although things had started to get better now you feel you're at your worst. Please know that you do not have to do this alone. Many in our community have had similar feelings and understand. Hopefully, a few of them will pop by and offer you some words of kindness and advice.  Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.
We hope you know that there is always help available to you. We would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.
 

[jess334]

Hi Lost,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums.

Unfortunately I've suffered a similar set of circumstances, self harming when younger, contemplated suicide multiple times, and have long term depression and anxiety issues too. I completely understand the feeling of staying only so you don't hurt the people around you. It can be even worse when depression sucks you back in after a period of happiness.

I'm glad you aren't self harming at the moment. Are you seeing a health professional about your depression? I have also been on and off medication and in and out of therapy. I know it seems hopeless right now and you don't think anything can fix it, but you have climbed out of the pit of depression in the past and you can do it again. I know it's exhausting and overwhelming. It can help to take just one step at a time. Maybe including a walk outside into your daily routine. Or making an appointment to see your doctor. Perhaps talking to your partner about how you are feeling?

I hope you find some support.

Kind thoughts, Jess

[Soberlicious96]

dear Lost,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I must admit, on reading your post, I felt as though you are telling my story. I can strongly identify with what you describe above, and almost feel as though you may have 'read my diary' at some point!

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling right now though. And I just want you to know that you are not alone; not with the things you have been thinking and feeling, and certainly not with the desire of "wanting the pain to stop". I too have had that exact same thought and feeling.

You and I also share something else in common; my birthday is also in a couple of weeks time too! On the 29th, in fact. But if you had asked me at 23 would I live to see 24, then yes, I too would have been doubtful at best. Because I was also quite suicidal for a long long time. But I did in fact make it to 24, and in fact am now more than double that age ......... quite amazing considering how much I hated myself, and life in general. And the fact that I too , once upon a time, "struggled with alcohol dependency and binge drinking because it cleared my mind, but it caused a lot of problems and regrets"

And yeah, the one thing that would always pop into my mind every time I thought, and/or attempted suicide, was my Mum's face, and how hurt she would be. I just couldn't bear to do it to her. So yeah, although it kept me alive, I also continued to feel 'trapped' by life for some time.

That was until I got clean and sober, mainly because I made one more HUGE mistake AGAIN and finally became willing to do whatever it took to get well.

I began to realise, with help from professionals, family and friends, that I had in fact not been a 'bad' person trying to get 'good' but a sick person trying to get well.

I have now been clean and sober for more than 23 years, and I can honestly say that getting clean and sober was, is, and I hope remains to be, the best decision I ever made, and the best action I have ever taken to improve my life. No person, place, thing or situation can compare to the wonder of freedom from addiction and drunkenness. Nothing.

I went to meetings of AA and NA (and still do) and found people just like me, who loved me for me and who didn't judge me at all, or expect anything from me.

I do hope that you too can find and embrace whatever it takes to get well again, and can learn to love yourself again, as others already love you.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Guest_1643]

Hey Lost,

Sorry to hear you're strugglng. How was your day? Hope you drop by again soon, always happy to listen to you.

I know it mustn't be easy, and send you support and care

[therising]

Hi Lost_

Sounds like you had a long and brave journey back to wellness before facing this incredibly overwhelming challenge. My heart goes out to you as you now cope with this struggle.

I believe every challenge has the potential to either raise us or bring us down. Depression can have a way of leading us to think 'I've been here before, with these feelings, with this torment' where in fact the challenge that leads us to relive such feelings can be completely different from anything we've ever faced before. You mention your usual coping skills aren't working and the reason may involve the fact you've never had to cope with this challenge before. New skills may be needed in this case.

This thing that you face, that you feel is your fault, is there anyone who can help you in the way you face it and manage it, in order for you to make sense of it and work your way through it? It sounds like this is what has brought you down and not knowing how to manage it is keeping you down. Lost_, you've raised yourself through many challenges before and you can do it again. Perhaps this is the biggest one you've ever faced, so it's going to feeling incredibly tough and maybe even overwhelming. Maybe it's not going to be simple and you possibly won't feel yourself rising through or out of it straight away but try and have faith in yourself that you can manage it. You've already begun to manage it by coming here. You've started the process, perhaps without even realising.

Venting how you feel about yourself can be part of the process. Putting out there how low you feel, how much you resent yourself, how the disappointment impacts you are all factors that can allow us here to help you help yourself make sense of things right now. Your feelings (those that come with great challenge and depression) are understandable and relateable to many here.

We're here for you, anytime. Perhaps here is where you'll find your new management skills. Here is definitely where you'll find support. So glad you came.

🙂