Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

[Supermum]

Hello all, the last 2 and a half years have been exhausting and I feel like I am just living in an empty universe. I don’t want to talk to my family, my psychologist or anyone . I just want to be quiet and alone. Sometimes life is bearable and I love my children and feel more committed to living but other times I just want it to stop. For the silence and peace to begin. Would it be so awful for those around me to no longer have me in their lives as my constant up and down with sadness must be as tiring for them as it is for me. Things that used to help me focus and be grateful for small things don’t seem to snap me back into place and I just don’t want to do this anymore pure and simple.

[quirkywords]

Supermum.

I feel I need to connect and have a rapport with a medical professional. I think you can connect without being dependant.

I suppose psychologists worry about a persondepending on them but like you i think trust and feeling comfortable are important and does not mean one is reliant on the professional.

[smallwolf]

Just to add to what quirky said...

Also remember your psychologist is human, and you are allowed to disagree. Keep in mind we don't really know what was said. And if you are unsure about what they are saying you can ask. Not to say I argue with my psychs, though if we have different perspectives on a situation we will talk through it.

[Supermum]

Hi all

I’m going to see my psychologist one more time and ask him what he meant etc etc see how I feel and if I don’t feel supported enough and disconnected then I will find someone else.

I contacted the drug and alcohol services about doing a 2 week withdrawal program, but I have concerns and so do they regarding that when my coping strategy is no longer there and I have to deal with anxiety, emotions etc and all the reasons I started drinking in the first place than I might not cope well with post detox without plenty of support in place etc.I can understand that but I cannot commit to the 16 weeks therapeutic community program as I’m the earner and my daughter has anorexia and that wouldn’t work at all.

BUT I contacted them! So we shall see what my psychiatrist says tomorrow and what the withdrawal service recommend.

Lianne

[smallwolf]

Big tick for what you have done! 🙂

how things go in the next weeks will be what they are and I am sure that you will be given tools and / or resources to help you out down the track. Maybe things like support people, recognising triggers etc and ways to navigate these challenges. I am also the first one to think about all the thing that will (vs can) of wrong that it is also doomed to fail from the start.

keep reminding yourself of that sheep looking for the gate. there maybe hiccups along the way and eventually you will get there.

[quirkywords]

well dond=e toy and I echo what tim said.That is a big step contacting someone and thse programs know it has to be fitted into your life so that it works.

I am glad you will talk to the psychologist and hopefully make things clearer for you.

[Supermum]

Hi I spoke to my psychiatrist about this today, cried a little .. a lot ! But he was very supportive. He said he wound support me post detox by seeing he weekly plus a nurse to check on how I’m doing but the drug and alcohol support as well . Just need to drum up courage to do it!!! He says when the time is right ... but whenever is the time right ?!?!

Just frightened to death of falling on a massive heap and SH I guess ....

[Supermum]

Failed today .. drank , felt sad , felt stressed, felt useless and just feel like I don’t belong ..

[smallwolf]

again, remember the story of the sheep... you went back the old path. Changing behaviours is hard so it not so unusual this might happen.

if you permitted me to ask, what happened for you to drink?

as an aside, my wife has been calling to me from the other room about a tv show called "the cube". In the meantime I have been listening to a podcast... did you watch big bang theory? Mayim (the actor who played Amy) has a podcast and was talking to John Ross Bowie (the guy who played Barry) who was talking about his own drinking. It is purely co-incidence with the timing, but I like to listen to people telling their own story ... I can mostly find something I can relate to. The last thing about listening to such stories, is that I find others (even famous people) have the same issues as me and they are also human who struggle with things.

So I would say with the limited knowledge I have based on what you said ... you relapsed (not failed), you do belong and perhaps struggling with a few things. So if you talk to your support people / husband, hopefully they will help you in working through this situation and find ways to cope/manage in the future?

Tim

[Supermum]

Hi my husband is not supportive at all. He is no use to me trying to make good decisions . I often feel he just wants me to fail and will gladly give me a little push to make sure .

I feel very on edge, anxious and need something to stop it . I’ve done lots of things to distract today .... I just need to escape in what ever form that will be.

[quirkywords]

An supportive partner adds more pressure.
Do the distractions work for a little or long time.

I read somewhere that relapses are often part of improving. I know I used to think a relapse was a sign of going backwards but apparently it can make us more resilient.
It can be hard exhausting but from reading your posts I can see your determination and willingness to try different strategies.
I am glad your psychiatrist is supportive. .