Hi Supermum,
I am feeling a lot of the things that you have described. "I don’t miss them , I don’t want to speak to anyone."
Yes self-doubt as a mother! I did a lot of things with my kids when they were younger and it felt rewarding. I enjoyed the music performances, dance concerts, awards assemblies etc. But all that changed after they started high school. For me, it feels like all work and no play now. In fact I regret having children and I feel guilty for thinking this way. My children are the easiest-to-handle teenagers, very focused on their studies, no problems like peer pressure/negative influences. I am truly the luckiest mother and I think that makes me feel even more guilty. Often they see me in a depressed state, not talking and just getting on with chores, then retreating to my tv-room when I do manage to get a little bit of free time. When I think about the future, it freaks me out as to how I'll manage a relationship with them as adults.
The responsibility as a mother/parent is overwhelming. It is a life-sentence with no parole! You cannot just resign from the job. I am trying so hard to rationalise through all of this to make myself feel better. Our grandmother's generation would have probably just got on with things, accepting that the responsibility is just the way it is. I try to adopt this mindset on my bad days, so yesterday I accepted that Sunday is always my busiest day no matter how I try to juggle things differently. Mentally I felt a little stronger than last weekend, but physically I struggled with vertigo which I'm recovering from slowly. It's like you make a little bit of progress in one area but something else gets you. Very frustrating.
If we cannot change the situation we're in, maybe we just need to "ride it out". It's just a phase in life and the bad feelings will pass one day.
