Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

[Supermum]

Hello all, the last 2 and a half years have been exhausting and I feel like I am just living in an empty universe. I don’t want to talk to my family, my psychologist or anyone . I just want to be quiet and alone. Sometimes life is bearable and I love my children and feel more committed to living but other times I just want it to stop. For the silence and peace to begin. Would it be so awful for those around me to no longer have me in their lives as my constant up and down with sadness must be as tiring for them as it is for me. Things that used to help me focus and be grateful for small things don’t seem to snap me back into place and I just don’t want to do this anymore pure and simple.

[Supermum]

I started to call lifeline but I just can’t put into words how I feel .

[smallwolf]

Hi. I have a monthly coffee with an older friend. He recently restarted in ADs because of things. His wife asked him what the matter is and perhaps like you was unable to tell her what it was. He told me though that it was an accumulation of many smaller things that when combined "create" a bigger snowball to deal with. I hope that makes sense. In myself, I logically that small issues should not have a negative effect on me but it can. Combine a few of these and the problem appears much larger. And I can also speak with a psychologist about this. If you allow me to ask and whether you respond here to someone on call, or reflect upon this yourself...

what things are on your mind at the moment?

Listening to you.

[Supermum]

Hi Tim,

Ok... here we go.

Feelings and thoughts :-

Inadequacy- as a mother, a wife, as a friend. That I'm not fulfilling my role as I should and it’s certainly not enough.

Anger- that I suppress or I might explode and say things I cannot take back. I just feel angry at everyone and everything .

Hatred- of myself and what I have become . A pitiful pathetic sad person who possesses all the things I don’t like and certainly do not admire .

vulnerability- if I say how I feel then people will dislike me and leave. So how do i be honest without being judged .

loneliness- I feel overwhelming lonely. Even in good company I feel detached, empty, alone . Looking in . Like a puppet . I long for intimacy and connection .

confusion- I want to feel numb to feel disconnected as I cannot cope with this emotional tsunami . But also hate feeling disconnected .

Fear and anxiety- fear and anxiety of my future.

tiredness- of pretending, lying, exhaustion of everything. Tired of no motivation and feeling bitter.

suicidal - just please give my life my future to someone else. Transfer it. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to be ungrateful so give my future to someone else who wants one .

To name but a few things that race and fester in my head. Where do you go with that .. ? Where do you start ? How do I say that to a crisis worker on the phone ? I sound like a pathetic child . I don’t have the right to say those things .

[Sophie_M]

Dear Supermum, 

We understand that telling others how we feel is not always easy, so thank you for sharing that with us. We are sorry to hear that things are so difficult for you at the moment and that you are experiencing a range of negative emotions and thoughts. We hope that sharing that was at least somewhat cathartic for you and that you are finding the community support on here helpful. 

We wanted to let you know that you do not sound like a pathetic child at all and we highly doubt crisis supporters will think that way of you - they are used to hearing people at their most vulnerable. You mentioned some thoughts around suicide. We encourage you to seek professional support to deal with some of those thoughts along with the other emotions and thoughts you are experiencing. You have the right to feel the way you do and to seek the appropriate support. 

If you find talking about your feelings difficult, it might be easier to type them to someone. Many crisis support services offer chat services, so this may be an option for you. We also offer Webchat support from 3pm-12am AEST on our website (www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport) so please feel free to get in touch. Suicidal Call Back Service (1300 659 467, https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/) and Lifeline (13 11 14, https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/) also have chat options available. 

We're here for you along the way. 

[smallwolf]

😞

I see you wrote down you feel inadequate in your roles and I am sure that you love and look after and support your kids. The thing I wanted to ask you was how do you feel you _should_ be fulfilling that role? What or who are you comparing yourself to?

And i want to say that in putting out your feelings about yourself here you are showing vulnerability. I (personally) cannot remember when I read a like that here.

If it is OK with you, I might cover one of those items per post/reply to hear more from you. If you are anything like me, I get the internal dialog that tells you not to rock the boat, put up that mask/shield. Before I started seeing my psychologist I was advised to show my authentic self! It's hard and takes time. Your replying here shows you want to change and I believe in you that you can do it.

Another saying I remember or goes something like this... you can only move a mountain one rock at a time. Can we talk some more?

Tim

[Guest_4643]

Hey Supermum, sorry I'm just seeing your thread.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I am too if it makes you feel any better. I don't have kids and never been in a relationship so I don't understand that side of things, but I understand wanting to be alone, not wanting to be heard from, talk to anyone, not wanting to be seen, not seeing professionals, and so forth. That's exactly how I am right now.

How are you going lately anyway? I'm always here if you'd like to chat. Sorry I didn't see your thread earlier.

[quirkywords]

Supermum

You ask what do say to the lifeline person I feel the answer likes in your post about your feelings and thoughts to smallwolf . Can you read some of the list.

I can relate to your post. I remember when I had 3 children and felt overwhelmed by everything and unappreciated. My way out off the fog was to write a journal . If you can find sone thing to help that you like whether it is art, writing, reading or walking or anything really that gives you joy and purpose,

[Supermum]

Yes we can .

[Supermum]

Please don’t apologise for mot seeing my post . There are many posts and sadly many people who are lost .

I’ve thought through lots of options many ... there’s not many that will help ..

[smallwolf]

I mentioned feeling inadequate in your roles.

I am sure you love, look after and support your kids. So the thing I wanted to ask you was how do you feel you _should_ be fulfilling that role? What or who are you comparing yourself to?

Quirky mentioned some things she went through. I am sure my wife or own mother could add theiir own 2c worth to the conversation. The only thing I could say is we do the best we can. And I also do that perfectionism leads to shame. "I am doing the best I can and that is all that can be asked of me"..