Emotionally, spiritually and physically tired

[Supermum]

Hello all, the last 2 and a half years have been exhausting and I feel like I am just living in an empty universe. I don’t want to talk to my family, my psychologist or anyone . I just want to be quiet and alone. Sometimes life is bearable and I love my children and feel more committed to living but other times I just want it to stop. For the silence and peace to begin. Would it be so awful for those around me to no longer have me in their lives as my constant up and down with sadness must be as tiring for them as it is for me. Things that used to help me focus and be grateful for small things don’t seem to snap me back into place and I just don’t want to do this anymore pure and simple.

[Supermum]

Hi Tim ,

It’s interesting that you talk about being broken and unfixable and to embrace it rather than be disgusted by it . I find this very hard to do , my perfectionism and need for control of what’s happening around me make it so . I used to be like that , very Que Sara Sara if you like but I find it difficult to shift my mind set . The combination of stressors, exhaustion from work ( nurse) and need to be the provider , the educator , the mother etc etc

I feel burnt out .. and my body has been alerting me to this fact for a while and my mind probably has too . Hence the need for quiet and seclusion .

How to rebalance it all ...

[Supermum]

Hello ,

I just feel pathetic when I say how I feel out loud . Like I should be pulling up my big girl pants etc . There’s worse off than you etc etc . I just feel so angry at everything and it’s consuming . Thankfully the thoughts of suicide are not as loud at the moment .. a quiet whisper .

[smallwolf]

Perfectionism... It was only after I found out about kintsugi and read about it that I learnt to appreciate it. I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for 3 years so it has taken a quite a while to get to terms with my perfectionism. I also had some kintsugi art as the background on my phone. There are still times I do not like making mistakes and my reactions are not so great now.

Feeling Pathetic... I was in a meeting last week. The group had a make a decision. I spoke against one of the options. People were laughing at what I was saying. Fast forward to after the meeting by a hour and I was speaking with a friend about what happened. She said that should not have happened etc. At the same time, when I was telling her I also felt weak/gutless etc and similar to you "suck it up". And yet if I did not talk about it I would feel bad. That is a bit of a paradox! The emotional pain in real. And I suspect the same for you.

So the feelings and thoughts you have are your normal. Like mine. And I also happy to hear your suicidal thoughts have lessened.

Finally, my psych told me this story on shifting mind sets (I changed it slightly)...

A windy track is what the sheep uses to get to the other side of the paddock and out the gate. One day the sheep tried a faster route -more direct. Problem was the sheep had to create this route which was overgrown, long grass, rocky, fallen branches. It didn't work. Feeling beaten, the sheep went back to the old path. The next day tried the new route again.The same problem occurred. Again went back to the old path.This pattern repeated but over time the new path became more defined and the old path was getting overgrown as the sheep used the newer path more often. Until one day... the new path became the normal was of getting to the gate and not the old path.

It can take time but we are both a work in progress in getting to the new path.

Tim

[Supermum]

Hi Tim ,

A work in progress .. I like that idea and it has kept me moving forward even when I have taken 3 steps back.

I read back through your replies and it helps so thank you .

Today is a backward step day but I find myself saying that’s ok . It’s not a failure . My thoughts of self harm, punishment and wanting to get off the ride are a little too loud and I find myself checking my bottle of pills often at times like these. Just checking .... weird I know .
One day hopefully I won’t have to

[smallwolf]

I had a low to average day today... I wrote it down in a journal and was able to speak to someone about what I was thinking so that was helpful.

That work in progress statement I started saying to my psychologist, psychiatrist and other support people in my circle. But hey, I certainly don't own that statement, so if it is helpful to you then please take and use it. For me, it is a way of recognising that when things bad they don't reset.

In some ways I collect (?) stories or ideas to help me each day or week - whether that is a quote, a story, a idea the all help in being a work in progress. For example...

On kintsugi... I was with my psychologist and compared people to a clean white plate and me.... a broken plate that was smashed on the floor. She didn't like my choice of the word 'broken'. So I changed to cracked, still scarred. At that time I did not know about kintsugi but I had watched a person fixing a broken plate. That was the segway into kintsugi. In this art form, flaws and imperfections are celebrated. I would also find out that a repaired plate had qualities that were not there previously - stronger, unique, worth more than before. The use of gold in the cracks is a way of highlighting and celebrating the cracks.

It is a positive that you were able to see that taking a backward step is not failure. And you made it through the day. Worthy of celebration! In our brokenness, you are stronger, unique and precious. These are ideas that help me (an hopefully) you to move forward.

[Supermum]

It’s been a low day today. For no good reason, no triggers , no more stressful than normal just because .... I hate it. My children, my colleagues my friends talk to me and I just don’t have the energy to speak, I just want them to leave me alone to be quiet.

[Doolhof]

Hi Supermum,

Sorry to read you have been struggling so much and it is ongoing. It can be very tiring when we feel like we aren't coping. It is hard when we want to be in a different mindset than we are currently feeling, yet that seems to be a difficult state to achieve.

I'm learning to accept more of how I am, not fighting it so much and consider gentle ways I can improve my day.

I try to take time out to find moments of peace and quiet in my day. That might be by going for a walk, reading a book, watering the garden or at work it might be an extra trip to the bathroom when I don't really need to go. Taking extra time to wash my hands as I find the water cooling and soothing.

Are there little things you can put into place?

Have you tried mindfulness? I struggle with it a little. It does help me to form an image of a quiet and calm place in my mind that I can have a quick glimpse of during the day when I am overwhelmed.

Hope you find strategies that help you and can accept there will be some days where it is okay to not be okay.

Cheers from Dools

[smallwolf]

That feeling of wanting others not to talk to you I can relate sometimes. And the no reason you speak of can be complicated set of things that merged together bring about the malaise.

Two more tips if they help...

1. do you have/use any apps for managing and coping with your thoughts? My psych. put me onto the virtual hope box and relax melodies. These might work for you? Liking these type of apps can be somewhat subjective.

2. a book my psych told me to read is titled "the happiness trap" by Russ Harris. It is filled with ideas to try. I accidently bought a 2nd copy that I gave to my parents and then even say it helped them!

Anyways, I hope you are feeling a little better today. Let me know how you are going?

Tim

[Supermum]

Today has been a bad day . Intrusive thoughts and feeling unable to keep my head above water . I just don’t see an end and my head is just full of negative thoughts...

[Sophie_M]

Hey Supermum,

Thanks for posting here today. We are so sorry that you've been having a bad day with intrusive thoughts and feeling overwhelmed. It can be so difficult to feel optimism or believe that we are on a real path of recovery when our head is full of negative thoughts. We are sorry you are experiencing these awful feelings right now. Please know that you are not alone and there is help available. Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

We strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please check in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.