Don't tell me I'm not alone. Don't tell me there's help.

[foodwithsauce]

I'm tired of hearing these thoughtless and frankly false platitudes from people who have no basis on which to rest such assertions. I want to be dead. That's the ideal. Past-tense. I don't want to have to go through the stress and cost and drama of finding a viable exit. I just want to not wake up tomorrow. But I don't want to live out a natural life. That's for damn sure.

I hate being told there's help. If actual, practical help exists then I've somehow managed not to find any in the last sixteen years. So either it's well-hidden or I'm just unworthy of it. I've found the opposite. People who were perfectly willing to kick me at my lowest and make things worse. People willing to exploit, abuse, cheat, beat and rob me. There's no shortage of that.

[foodwithsauce]

Forgive me if this is curt but try to appreciate the distinction between just asserting to someone that help, hope, etc., exists, and actually showing it to them, or directing them to it and try to remember the thread title is explicitly asking people not to do the former. I understand that this space is supposed to be supportive and although I'm sure lots of people would find anecdotes about your brother helpful providing support is not a generic one-size-fits-all practise.

Literally every website about mental health contains endless, generalised assertions that there is help for everyone and I literally cannot handle these environments anymore as a result, and if I did not know what survivorship-bias was I could literally have an endless series of anecdotes about people who enjoyed good luck or were able to pull themselves up by their boot-straps but I do the narrative fallacies are just as alienating as the constant baseless claims.

[smallwolf]

You are correct in saying there "is not a generic one-size-fits-all practise." We each have to find out own solution to the situations we face and each persons experience is unique.

I am a bit slow... but your last post also shows you good at writing, logical, intelligent. We can only respond to anyone based on the information at hand. For example, until you replied to my prev. post I was not aware of PTSD. In a forum such as this we only get to see glimpses of another persons life - depending on how much that person wishes to divulge.

Someone I know once visited a psychologist - a single visit and never again. There was a mismatch in just about everything between the psychologist and client. The outcome is that this person now does not trust anyone in mental health circles.

I also sense a lack of trust, if not suspicion of people trying to connect to help, even if in a space such as this forum. In fact, we might feel alone in our own homes. But when we chat in a space such as this, figuratively speaking we are not alone.

Fwiw... there are organisations that might be able to help you get a job.

Having gone all over the place, I wonder what I could you do make your time here OK. Cause I won't give in 🙂

Tim

[Aaronsis]

Hello foodwithsauce

Thank you for you honest reply to me. I did not mean to offend or insult you.

Firstly I am aware of the title in your thread, you don't want to be told there is help and also that you are not alone. I have refrained from doing that and I am sorry if the anecdotes about my brother came across as another "light at the end of the tunnel" situation that insults you. That was not my intention. My intention was to highlight that if a person, no matter their mental capacity, what journey that they have been on or what life has served them wants to make a choice..a choice to change or do something different or want something different, however small that is, it is power we all have foodwithsauce. Each and every day we have a choice. So highlighting to you my brothers choice was how I was showing that to you.

So in conclusion, what choice will you make for you?

Sarah

[foodwithsauce]

smallwolf - I'm sorry if I came off as salty. I know I'm horrible at communicating without being a complete doormat. I've been visiting psychologists, counsellors and psychiatrists since my teens. More than I can count, and countless doctors and I don't trust them. My experience is that they get paid either way and so most of them don't give a damn; that if you can't fight tooth-and-nail to ensure you get proper care you don't. To the extent where people who are too sick to do so will literally just waste away and die if if they have no one to fight for them. I mean I've seen that happen twice and it's almost happened to me more than once.

And I don't trust people either. Setting aside the big stuff like being raped, raised by a vindictive alchoholic who despised men... the last person I trusted disappeared after I lent them money, the one before that drove me off a forum with a campaign of harassment and bullying which included accusing me of being a creep and a literal rapist. Before that there was the person I was planning to marry who, after getting a better deal, turned around and ghosted me after years of leaning on me for emotional support after she'd crow-barred her way into my life because even then I was keeping people at arms length. The one before that was physically abusive and disappeared after convincing me to lend her money. The one before that was just psychologically abusive and had no problem dressing me down in public for making her feel unattractive because I froze up when she violated my space. One rare example of a nice person I used to know killed herself, and I could keep going. I mean this goes back to when I was a teenager and my surrogate father had a flee the country after a bad drug deal. He was only in the picture because my real father kicked me out to make room for his new wife's daughters. The character limit stops me being comprehensive, or going into real detail, and I don't really want to. In my experience those organisations don't work, and I don't think there's anything you can do.

[foodwithsauce]

Aaronsis - I don't find it offensive and I certainly don't think you're trying to upset me. It's just poking a lot of trauma. I started this thread because I wanted to try talk to people. Which was probably a mistake but whatever. Not get advice. But hell if you want to tell me about an organisation or have help to offer I won't scorn it, but just asserting that help exists, that organisations for people like me exist, well, if they do - if they actually work - I've somehow been unable to find them in many, many years.

Choice is all well and good, but I can't just choose to become healthy and happy via an act of will. Believe me I've tried. At some point the process of recovery, of simply living, must involve other people. That is invariably when I end up back at square one because people are seldom competent or trustworthy.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear foodwithsauce...

I will definitely agree with your last sentence...I have been working with volunteers for 4 years..and a couple of them..that I thought were my friends..decided to do something for their own gain....That’s when I realised that their is very few people that are honest and trustworthy....

I am trying to let it go out from my thoughts but it’s just doing a continuous circle in my thoughts...Trusting people is so hard...

I have been used and abused since I was a very young child..and don’t have much faith in humans in real life...Here is different, the care, love and acceptance I feel here keeps me going..giving me a sense of purpose in life..

Its okay foodwithsauce, If you just want to chat to people here, I found that by doing so, it does does make me feel better, knowing that people can be kind and caring...I live alone in a very tiny rural village (200 residents) I’m elderly now...With one around me that I can talk to...loneliness can at times become overwhelming and unbearable..

Listening to you Dear foodwithsauce, Please talk here any time you feel up to with..

My kindest thoughts with my care..

Grandy..

[Summer Rose]

Hi foodwithsauce

I will try my best not to give advice because I would very much like to respect your need for conversation.

I am a mum with an adult daughter who has OCD and anxiety and she has expressed some similiar thoughts to you, from time to time. I hear you and I know something of your pain.

You are right. There is nothing fair about who falls ill and who doesn't in this life. There is nothing fair about who gets well and who doesn't, as post code, bank balance and available support all play a role. And there is certainly nothing fair about who gets hurt by people who should care, and who doesn't. And it all hurts.

From my heart to yours, I am so very sorry that you have suffered so much.

I'd like to encourage you to think about a choice you do have. Maybe you can't choose to be "magically" happy and healthy right now, but you can chose to keep fighting for your best life.

I think I counted 7 or 8 people who have thoughtfully and compassionately responded to your post without judgement. People who get it. People who care. People who want to support you.

That means something--you matter to all of us. Perhaps this can be the basis for a new beginning.

Kind thoughts to you

[NadineT]

Hi foodwithsauce,

I honestly feel the same way. I am so sick and tired of being told 'but you're fine', or 'I am here for you if you ever need to talk', like no. Just no. No one wants to hear how I really feel because they can't deal with the truth. They can't deal with the fact that I would easily drop dead without a second thought. The moment I told somone they threw me in a hospital. I'm so over it all. I hate that the thought is racing through my mind all day every day, and that I am comfortable with listening to what it has to say.
But yes, I understand where you're coming from. I just wish people stopped pretending to care and stopped saying things they think you need to hear. Any wonder we end up going through with it...

[Sophie_M]

Hey Nadine, thanks for reaching out here and contributing to foodwithsauce's thread.  Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are concerned about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

 

[smallwolf]

I don't you were being salty per se - I will just say you were voicing your frustrations with things as you see them.

your last post to me here showed that you have been continually used and abused, treated as a object (?) for much if not all of your life. I would think that on meeting someone new you would likely be highly suspicious of their motives etc. Perhaps a self-protection mechanism. I mean... why would you want to go through another bad situation.

It will likely take a long time for you to overcome issues trusting people. Someone mentioned to me that each negative thing, takes five positive things to reverse. Multiple that over years ...

One thing I hope you do not mind me mentioning is that I like the directness and honesty in your responses. Cannot deny users will not understand what you are saying. And you are able to list some things that have happened which could be said being vulnerable. Nobody should have to go through the things you did.

Some random questions:

• Can i ask if/what makes you laugh?
• What things do you like doing?
• what work did you do before you got PTSD?

I will be here tomorrow to write again. Please don't think you have to answer any of my questions.

Peace to you,

Tim