Don't tell me I'm not alone. Don't tell me there's help.

[foodwithsauce]

I'm tired of hearing these thoughtless and frankly false platitudes from people who have no basis on which to rest such assertions. I want to be dead. That's the ideal. Past-tense. I don't want to have to go through the stress and cost and drama of finding a viable exit. I just want to not wake up tomorrow. But I don't want to live out a natural life. That's for damn sure.

I hate being told there's help. If actual, practical help exists then I've somehow managed not to find any in the last sixteen years. So either it's well-hidden or I'm just unworthy of it. I've found the opposite. People who were perfectly willing to kick me at my lowest and make things worse. People willing to exploit, abuse, cheat, beat and rob me. There's no shortage of that.

[blondguy]

Hi foodwithsauce and a wave to NadineT too 🙂

just saying hello.....there are no 'experts' here yet most of the people above are volunteers and are happy to provide the best care we can

anyhoo...Im Paul....thanks for being a part of Beyond Blue too

any questions are welcome....There is no judgement here

[foodwithsauce]

Summer Rose - thank you for the kind words, but I'm not going to put too much stock in the idea that strangers on the internet care about me. I simply I have too much experience with 'people who care,' and am too well aware of the perverse incentives to appear prosocial, and the social utility of performative altruism.

NadineT - there are people and places who can cope with the truth. I'm sorry you were thrown in hospital like that. I wish I could tell you some things I've learned but I'm not able to. I'm sorry. A mask of performative kindness is of far greater social utility than actually being prosocial. The latter doesn't include dishonesty. The former can because it is amoral by definition, and the amorally self-serving are deceitful by definition.

smallwolf - if it's going to take five positive things to cancel out each negative thing then they're never going to be cancelled out. Almost nothing makes me laugh, but the last thing I laughed at was a youtube video... I don't know what it really means to like doing something. I like the way it feels after I've exercised, but doing so requires an act of will and is not necessarily enjoyable, and there are lots of things I enjoy in theory, but which, in reality, aren't worth talking about like not being in pain, being able to go to bed without suffering due to horrible, intrusive thoughts, socialising, doing makeup, sailing, portrait photography, and other things which are so far beyond my social or financial means it's better not to think about them at all. Then there's things I used to like, such as watching movies, but can't watch most of them anymore precisely because they do remind me of such things. All I really have are a few films I watch over and over, drugs, and self-harm. And I've always had PTSD/anxiety. The only work I've ever done was in a family business. The only certified training I have is of absolutely zero value.

[smallwolf]

You mentioned liking the feeling after exercise. Only yesterday, I was listening to a podcast by Osher Gunsberg - it was recommended to listen to from one web site I found while wasting time. One of the things he mentioned was intermittent fasting and/vs exercise. Both can have a similar effect but the hit of dopamine from exercise is better fro him. Arnie (you know, from the "The Terminator") likes exercise, but then he said he was always working towards some goal so that carried him through.

Movies... you said that you have a few movies that you watch over and over. What sort of films are they? Titles? what do you like them?

Hint for me (next post - maybe): makeup

Tim

[Summer Rose]

Hi foodwithsauce

Thanks for your response. I understand where you're coming from based on what you've shared of your life experiences.

All I can say is that, my concern for your wellbeing is genuine and it comes from a value of compassion. It is the same value that would prompt me to call an ambulance for a stranger bleeding in the street or to offer a tissue to a lost child crying in a grocery store.

I have been around the forums for a few years now and found that we are more than "strangers on the internet". We are a community of people from all walks of life who just happen to have a shared understanding of similiar challenges--even if we don't have all the answers.

I'm so glad that you have joined us. I really hope that talking here is helpful to you.

Kind thoughts to you

[foodwithsauce]

Yeah, it's complicated. I like the feeling of having exercised, but exercising is lonely and it's hard to find the motivation. I eat too much so it's no good for losing weight. It doesn't matter anyway. I don't see long-term goals as relevant because I don't want to be here long-term.

Movies: Withnail & I and Cross of Iron are the two I watch the most.

[smallwolf]

Is there anyone you know of that you could possibly exercise with?

I hope you don't mind me throwing out these questions or ideas.

Or exercise in the park if there is one near by?

After all you mentioned that you like the feeling afterwards. Perhaps allow yourself a small treat afterwards. Reward I should say. I recall I did something of note a long time ago and splashed out on an ice coffee. Might not sound like much but I allowed myself to enjoy that moment.

Many times I have to force myself to do something due to the lack of motivation. But after about 15 min of starting the activity I don't mind it even enjoy it. For myself it could be kicking a football or going for a walk to the Botanical gardens.

By the way... Have not seen withnail and I. But I do love black or dark comedy. Generally find stuff on SBS on demand.

[foodwithsauce]

Summer Rose - I think we have a basic disagreement regarding what it means to care. Not walking past a stranger who was suffering or hurt is not something I'd do, but it's also not because I care about them. They could in fact be complete scum for all I know. I do it because I care about myself. Because I'd feel terrible if I didn't. It's selfish altruism. I don't personally think you actually care about someone unless you value their presence, and thus their well-being and happiness to the extent where your concern for it transcends the basics of selfish altruism

That said if your understanding of caring about someone is in fact the prevailing one, which I suspect is so, it would explain how so many people go uncared for when so many people claim to care.

Sadly actual ethics and decency have been out-performed and rendered obsolete by performative substitutes that are suitable for broadcast to a social media audience. We live in an age of propaganda after all and the quest for social approval and self-promotion has literally been gamified, even monetised, and almost everything in our culture is now fundamentally materialistic and transactional .

So people who vomit any old garbage out on the basis of what they think people want to hear, or what will garner the most social approval, clicks, views, etc, are a dime a dozen, but even on those rare instances where people are being totally sincere and honest they still can't be taken at their word. Being honest is something most people can only attempt. They literally lack the cognitive tools to be aware of and think around the rats nest of cognitive errors and biases - let alone out-right neurosis and mental illness - that infest our defectively evolved brains.

[foodwithsauce]

smallwolf - no one. Not even via a discord/skype call.

Or exercise in the park if there is one near by? Being around strangers in such an anti-social setting is far, far worse and more traumatic than being alone.

Buying food and treats makes me hate myself. Buying almost anything for myself causes me anxiety.

I doubt I can explain why I like Withnail & I so I'm not going to waste my time.

[smallwolf]

Withnail and I .... while I have not seen the film I do have a fair idea about what happens.

Do you see the film as a reflection of life? Perhaps it is a timeless tale?

In your reply to Aaronsis you said you started this thread because "I wanted to try talk to people". So here I am trying to talk to you. How would it be a waste of time for you to share your thoughts on a film?

Or does you lack of trust in people (in general) stop you from wanting to share your thoughts with another?

I do not think you would be wasting your time. We are just two people talking about a film you like. It would be no different to talking about a book in a book club? Your views on a topic (or in this case a movie) are just as worthwhile as mine.

[foodwithsauce]

Sorry for the people who tried to be supportive. It's not your fault, but I'm finished with this place. I do not feel welcome here and the experience has been more traumatic than helpful despite the good will of other members.