Depression kicking my butt... can't get joy from anything

[Jessksch]

I'm over 30 and just don't have any motivation anymore for anything. Nothing excited me about the future.

I have a partner who I love very much but is also just stressing about work all the time and going through his own problems.

He's strong though and not a very easily emotional person, so I think maybe he's better off finding someone else.

I just can't see myself wanting to be around anybody anymore, only my cats.

Animals have always been there for me: my parents tried but I was too "different" they couldn't connect with me. Also at school I was bullied and never had any friends.

I mean people always still invite me to parties but never anything personal really.

I tried making a friend who I though we got along perfectly but then she said she was getting busy with work and I never heard from her again.

I guess people just get bored of me and I don't hate them for it , I have just accepted they will be happier with people in similar personalities etc...

I wanted to do a course in vet nursing, but even in the past it was a struggle as I was studying "at my own pace" but still had to hand in assignments on a due date. Supervising nurses could never keep to it as I was only a volunteer, why put in effort to train me ? Corona hit and I had to take a break anyways...

Nothing I want out of life, even with hard work is achievable. People are all busy with their own problems and have no idea how to help me.

I made an appointment with my psychologist for next week , I had the luxury of taking some days off, which is unfair compared to even my partner who has to work to the bone for his job and things .

I guess I'm hoping to find something to want me to carry on, but nothing in this world makes it worth the hard work and stress anymore, I just want to sleep, at least my dreams are nicer most of the time.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Jessksch
 
It’s lovely to see you here again and thank you for having the courage to share how you have been feeling lately, we just thought we would drop by and offer you some resources while you wait for a response to your post.
 
It’s great to hear that you have made an appointment with your psychologist who will hopefully help you work though the thoughts and feelings you have been having of late, and hopefully provide you with some strategies for self-care, self-compassion with the aim to begin to increase that motivation.  In the meantime here are some useful resources that you might find helpful:
 

• App for managing depression

 

• Some useful tips for resilience

 

• Self-Care Planning (created during the COVID period but has lots of helpful tips)

 

• The Happiness Trap

 

• Self-compassion exercises

 
Jessksch, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat .  If you ever need to reach out, sometimes it can help to have that instant support by way of telephone or chat and our counsellors are always here to support you whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. As you probably already know, they are an amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Jessksch

I can't help but wonder whether you're a deeply feeling person, someone who feels so much. Life can definitely be brutal at times if we have such an incredible nature. To be so sensitive to what and how we feel can feel so lonely at times, especially when those around us just don't feel in the same ways we do.

When you can feel others not making a difference to you in raising your spirits, when you can feel the course that leads to the job of your dreams is in some ways designed to be almost impossible to complete without stress and endless amounts to free time (which many of us don't have), when you can feel others triggering you for their own amusement (such as with the nature of bullies) and when you can feel so much more, life as a feeler can become overwhelming. And when we can feel the exhaustion as a result of feeling so much in life (sometimes experienced as numbness) to question why we feel next to nothing can become incredibly tormenting and difficult to answer.

I find, as a gal who's sensitive, getting a feel for things becomes a bit of a Goldilocks experience. To hot, too cold, just right. Too hard, too soft, just right etc. While even in depressing periods in my life, I can still sense what feels just right: Give me 99 suggestion/solutions that could take me out of that period and I may feel none of them as joyful or inspiring but give me the 100th solution, the one that is destined to impact me, and I will feel it.

As someone who feels so much, the down side of that is...we can feeling everything wrong and we can be left feeling everything that doesn't work, up until we find what makes the difference. To feel everything depressing or potentially depressing is one of the greatest challenge of all for someone who feels so deeply and so easily. While the ability to feel is an ability (an incredible one for so many reasons), sometimes it seems more like a curse.

[Jessksch]

Thank you so so much for your reply!

It is funny as this is exactly what my psychologist said to me: I feel too much and that since I approach things with emotion and logic, I don't make friends easily either ( I don't believe that I'm special in any way though).

I talked to her on Monday and have been trying hard to hold on, but she believes a change of medication is necessary. I am so afraid as I have been on anti-depressants for 2 years and it has stopped me from crying uncontrollably bit not feeling happier.

I am afraid of all the side effects: sleeping too much, anger or "crazy" reactions I let out on people I love all while stressing over work and life.

I made a doctor's appointment but couldn't get one till next week. I feel so hopeless and angry at the world, I hate how I'm working and can never afford what I dream about, it's all so worthless to me as an endeavour.

I just want to sleep all day and night, I am so angry at everyone and everything and crying now out of frustrations; why is there no justice in the world? The rich getting richer, poor getting poorer and waiting for the older generation to die for any opportunity in this life.

[therising]

Hi Jessksch

'Feelers' or 'sensitives' (those who are able to sense feelings in themself, others, situations etc) are definitely special, without a doubt. You're more special than you imagine.

One of the things I love most about being a woo woo gal (one of those mind/body/spirit folk) is the spiritual side is largely about feeling or feelings. I'll call it the 'natural' side, as 'spiritual' tends to get an eye roll from people. Naturally, we're born with the ability to feel yet no instruction manual. We can naturally do it pretty well when we're young (this feeling business). We'll feel boredom and report it to our parents. They typically tell us to go away. We'll feel injustice and express it, maybe through a passionate highly expressive tantrum/vent. We'll feel degradation and the down that can come with it. We'll feel the need to know (through the gift of wonder) and ask 'Why?' to just about everything we wonder about. 'Stop asking so many questions?' is typically the direction we're given. We'll feel the need to challenge our parents on occasion and typically be told 'Don't question me, just do as you're told!'. Kids get a raw deal in my opinion; not only are their feelings often ignored, they're also conditioned to suppress them quite often. Where's the guidance in how to how to better understand feelings and rely on them? If we're a major feeler, it's even worse. We're not just broken but seriously broken.

Being a feeler, I imagine you find people rather questionable, their ideas and behaviour. For example, someone could say to you 'You need to stop be so sensitive and toughen up!'. What the hell?! Definitely the kind of 'advice' you can feel (grrrr). You may question 'And how am I meant to do that?', to which you may get the response 'I don't know, just stop feeling so much'. Again, 'How do I do that? What's the plan to be able to achieve 'toughening up?''. I hope I smile when I tell you what I normally say to people who advise me to stop being so sensitive. You ready? My response is 'So, you'd like me to become as insensitive as you?' 😁

[Jessksch]

I am feeling quite low, just don't have motivation at all for anything anymore, when I lower my standards, I can't even achieve them. I wanted to become a vet, wasn't smart enough. Tried vet nursing; never got hired, only volunteer positions because they would have to pay me more than the 16 year olds.

First place I volunteered started telling me to just sit in the lunch room for 5 hours till surgeries started, since they wanted the cleaning duties saved to train new hired people who just started becoming nurses.

Second place I volunteered at got us cleaning, 3 volunteers. We got that finished early. Then sit in a room for 6 hours till surgeries start, which we were only allowed to watch through a glass window!

At least the last place was fantastic and I lost it through my own fault: my supervisor was too busy to keep up with teaching me and helping me keep to deadlines. Since I wasn't paid, why put in so much extra hours to teach me, right? Fair enough. She said it wasn't going to work out and I accepted that.

Didn't finish my course, was a tafe course, even though it said "study how you want and no deadlines" courses still had deadlines. Still had to finish within 2 years or pay extra.

So, before even that I got a bachelor degree in digital media, the uni courses were so mixed up with subjects: one month, one subject only of photography beginner course, one month one subject only sound beginner course etc... basically a beginner course of adobe software that took 4 years.

Nothing in the portfolio I had at the end gave me a friggin' opportunity. Only "internships" (unpaid) which involved changing facebook banners for small businesses...that's why I tried vet nursing, and that failed too.

Now, I work in a retail job with customers who smetimes just lack common sense and human decency and I have to still put a smile on my face instead of crying and screaming at this world with all my hate.

[Bob_22]

Hi Jessksch,

Thanks for sharing and for updating us on how you're going. Sorry to chime in on the thread but reading through your and therising responses really connected with me. I experience depression and also am on medication currently to help with a range of issues. Due to my depression I have missed alot of time and alot of key years in my life I could of used studying, working or building connections. As a result I often feel unaccomplished and worthless. I feel like I can relate to how you feel about your nursing course and having a bachelor's degree that you can't really use. 

For me, I often think that there is nothing on the horizon but I just give myself time to grieve and reflect. After that I will try to make plans for the future that I can very slowly start working toward. For example, going to tafe and studying part time. That is what's keeping my hope alive at the moment. Are there any plans or things you'd like to do in the future? If not, maybe just work on how you're feeling at the moment. How did your doctor's appointment go?

Sorry for the wall of text. Hope what I'm writing makes sense. 🙂

Bob

[Jessksch]

Hello all,

I haven't been doing very well for a few months honestly, but I do know that it's depression messing with my point of view. I talked to my psychologist about everything who said I should see a doctor, a change of medication may be necessary.

So, I went to the doctor (was hard to survive the christmas weeks but I was lucky to get an appointment honestly) and discussed with her. She recommended a few options, I did choose a new anti-depressant medication on top of my current SSRI, as it is very very affective in sedating me.

I have taken it a few days since Friday, and my motivation did spike, but holding out for the month as I always try to see if it's just a placebo effect after getting help.

I did have a nice christmas which was good and really opened my eyes a little that people do appreciate me.

My partner as well has been so supportive and I try to help out as much as I can for him.

Sometimes I do think he resents me only working 3 days a week (even though he doesn't support me, I get money elsewhere) but I always come back to him how he had to deal with a very ambitious world where if I would have been in his shoes, I would have taken my life a long time ago.

Anyways, I have taken an extra day off from work so I have a little holiday till Friday, just relaxing, painting and seeing how I go.

[Bob_22]

Hi Jessksch,

Thank you for the update. It's good to hear you were able to squeeze in the doctor's appointment. I'm glad to hear that you had a nice christmas and hope that this week has been relaxing. I like to paint as well but haven't found the motivation in almost a year now  unfortunately. I hope the medication change works out for you although they generally take a few weeks before a difference is noticed in my experience. 

Bob

[Jessksch]

Yes agreed! The motivation to paint has gotten less and less as time goes on, really, any motivation has become less and less over the years.

That's why I wait a whole month for medication changes to take affect because of the placebo effect.