Feel that things are getting worse
Hello everyone. It has been a while since I used these forums, I guess I stopped knowing what to say but have found myself back in a mindset where I think making a thread and visiting others is what might help me right now.
I feel safe right now, though maybe I was not over Christmas. I live with my family who contribute greatly to depression and other kinds of thoughts. I have been really struggling to eat as well, I guess with how explicit an issue that is right now I am realising that due to health issues since I was born I have maybe never had a healthy relationship with food? I am managing to eat at least once a day, but I worry about it and did go to a care centre at one point because I knew I would not eat at all otherwise.
I think I realised where my thinking about self-harm comes from, not sure if that is anything of value but maybe that knowledge will help me find something else to do instead as it seems to be a way of coping with my other pain, though not a healthy one. It does seem to be a different place than suicidal thinking too, which is more a place of hopelessness. Not sure if it is appropriate to go into details of whys so I guess I will leave that there.
Things feel hopeless. Someone mentioned that they just kept living in tomorrow and even if things got worse they could derive a morbid humour from that, but... things keep getting worse, I tried to live for tomorrow and now tomorrow makes me nauseous, tomorrow is something I feel I need to avoid. Tomorrow is more abuse, another coping mechanism that stops working, and potentially it is another unsafe day. All I have to look forward to is eventually hearing from my friend again, it has been longer than I would like with no understanding of why they disappeared, but I have to believe that I have that at least because if I start being insecure about them again I have nothing. No reason to keep going. And I feel kind of selfish about that too?
This does not feel finished but I guess this is where I am done writing
I've found the greatest quests in life hold the greatest amount of questions. The quest to know one's self, truly know one's self, is perhaps the greatest quest of all. I feel for you so deeply as work so hard on your quest.
I've found, on such a quest, the self questioning tends to be never ending. I've a number of people say to me 'You analyse too much, you think too much'. Frustrating to hear when you're trying your hardest to analyse the hell out of everything. If finding heaven on earth is the goal, why wouldn't we analyse the hell out of everything? People analysing with me tends to fast track me to answers, toward finding that heaven. On the other hand, people shutting me down can definitely be disappointing and depressing.
'Why do I think and feel the way I do? Why am I so easily triggered at times? What are all my triggers? Why can't I find what works? Why am I here, what's my purpose? Why do I suffer so much?'' etc. While I've found myself asking such questions over the years, I've also found most other people who face depression ask the same kinds of questions. Eventually I realised that those who face depression are often part analyst, part feeler, part philosopher ('What is the meaning of life?'), part pioneer (on a quest), part investor in a deep need for growth and so much more. Most outstanding is sensitivity. Also known as the ability to sense (so easily and so deeply), better understanding and exercising such a unique sense appears to be a major part of the quest. Simply put, if we hold the ability to sense what's depressing, isn't it logical that we'd feel the experience? To wonder outwardly and openly can be a part of the challenge. I smile when I think of the people I've triggered through my gradually developing sense of wonder. 'Do you ever wonder why you're so degrading and depressing?' typically tends to trigger them, as does 'Do you ever wonder why you don't lead me to hope? You know I can easily sense/feel a depressing lack of it'. Some prefer we keep our sense of wonder to our self 😊