Struggling with suicidal ideation

[Sezi]

Heyya everyone. So lately really struggling with suicidal ideation and thoughts. I have a plan and can get rid of it but has become a security blanket for me. I know I can be better. I have been better. my strategies aren't working as well as I hoped they would. My meds aren't working as well as they should be but keeping up with them. Usually I stop taking them but a part of me is fighting these thoughts. Idk what to do. I have texted my psychiatrist nurse this morning but probably won't hear from her for another 2 days

[Croix]

Dear Sezi~

I'd like to welcome you back I'm very glad you came as you sound like you need some assistance and this is a good place to find it. Others here have had suicidal thoughts and a plan

I've been in that place your are at too, and can understand what it is like to have a 'safty blanket', also feeling frightened of what I might do and not really seeing a way to get back to feeling better

I'm wondering about those strategies that aren't working. Could you say what thay are?

I'll take a punt and tell you a bit about mine, I hope they are something fresh

I guess the first and most comforting is the knowledge I've been in exactly this place before and come out of it to better times. Now this is mainly down to me, though I'll admit I've had help, meds, therapy, hospitalization. But in the end it is me that has managed to get over the worst

I did it once, and that lets me know I've got it inside me to do it again - and that is comfort and encouragement

The second thing is when I've been overwhelmed by my thoughts, I've not been able to think much at all. The brain power is very limited,all I can see is black. Then I need something that  and does not take brain-power

I use a free smartphone app called BeyondNow

Like most safety apps it has emergency phone numbers and contacts, however it is a bit different as it allows you to list things that have given you a lift in the past, things you have enjoyed, things that have distracted you

It's not easy to fill in and is always a work in progress as new things pop up and old things wear out. I found it took me ages as when I was right down I could not think of anything myself. So I had to get someone who knew me, and that might be a nurse or psych, but is even better if it is someone who knows you day to day

Do oyu have anyone like that - family or a friend perhaps?

see part 2 below ...

[Croix]

Part 2 -sorry ran out of space, but though it worthwhile ot give you a better idea of BeyondNow

The things have to be very specific. I've no brain power to go searching or judging.- listen to Stones 'Paint it Black' is specific - 'listen to music' is not. Mine have umpteen YouTube Clips of comedy, music, TV shows , talks and more. I also have books, DVDs, walking the dog or just going to a cafe -the list is pretty long.

Now just at the moment, if you are like me, you do not feel like making any effort to use this app. However now you know another person has found it makes a real difference it is something to hope to do, and just that hope can help and get you over the moment.

I'm sure you wil have had an email listing crisis lines to talk or text to -my favorite is the Suicide Call Back Service as you can call them more than once without having to repeat yourself

You know you are always welcome here, we do care about you

Croix

[therising]

Hi Sezi

I feel for you so much as you struggle so greatly and work so hard to find new ways that make a difference to you.

If it's of any help, I've found the 'recipe' factor can be a major factor when it comes to managing depression. I can have all the ingredients in place that have produced the best results in the past but, due to new challenges, the combo just doesn't entirely work on certain occasions. In the past I may have had

• 1 person who guides me
• 1 way of managing depressing internal dialouge
• 5 'go to' people in mind who I can trust to make a difference to me
• A dash of the kind of inspiration I can feel
• A huge dollop of what will get me off the couch or out of bed (a dollop of what actually motivates me)

As I say, while that recipe may work on occasion, it won't always work. It wouldn't work to help me manage the depressing nature of sleep apnea or the side effects of a seriously depressing B12 deficiency. In such cases, the right ingredients involved an oral appliance for the SA and regular B12 shots. I've found the question becomes 'What are the ingredients in the depression I face?', so as to manage creating a recipe that combats them.

If you've managed depression in the past with a certain amount of energy, to manage it in a state of pure exhaustion will involve a different recipe. A recipe that generates a significant amount of energy may hold the key. Under other circumstances, finding someone to wonder with you, as to what's bringing you down so intensely could be another key ingredient. Are the meds providing the right chemical ingredients or do they need to be revised in favour of a more effective ingredients? Do you need 3 help lines to access instead of 1 (3 different perspectives from 3 different support resources)? Is 1 perspective not enough to shift your mindset, even in the slightest?

On a quest to find a difference, the questions can feel never ending.

[sbella02]

Beautiful Sezi,

Thank you so much for your courage in posting here, we appreciate hearing from you and welcome you to the forums. 

Suicidal ideation and thoughts can be distressing, I know. I'm glad to hear that you have a security blanket in the form of a plan, that's really good to hear. You don't have to answer this if you're not comfortable of course, but is there anything in particular that you think may be causing these thoughts, or are they seemingly out of nowhere?

Lifeline is an incredible resource if you need it, they're friendly, non-judgemental, and can help talk you through what you're struggling with. You can reach them on 13 11 14 if you're in need.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling like this, it can be good to take a step back and do something that can disconnect you from thinking for a bit. For me, this looks like painting, drawing, singing or writing something, even adding to my planner/journal. Anything that allows you to step back for a bit and immerse yourself in something separate from yourself. Something like journalling or expressing gratitude can be useful for recognising and consolidating some of the more difficult thoughts too.

I must say, I love the "recipe" that Therising has suggested. What a beautiful way of thinking about it, and something that I'll definitely keep as a technique for later if I'm ever in need too.

Thank you again for your strength in posting here, and I hope you find something within this advice that resonates with you. We're here to chat more if you need.

All the best and take care, SB