I need help

[User234]

My best friend took his life in 2019 just before covid, its been years and I still want to do something stupid. The only thing stopping me is the feeling I still feel now, I want to die but I don't want anyone to feel like this. I've been to hospital multiple times when I was a kid for these feelings, but now its a lot worse because someone who I done everything with is gone.

We grew up in state care and got addicted to drugs as kids. I have more questions, he was the last person I'd expect to harm himself. I just want closure and I don't think ill ever get that, I don't think I can live without answers.

I got rid of everything sharp in my house, I'm fkn 27 years old living alone with no knifes in the house. Got rid of my nailgun because I had racing thoughts, I don't know if I've done enough to stop anything.

Nothing gives my joy in life like I use to like playing drums, I don't know if its the drugs that ruined my enjoyment in general life activities or if its life in general.

I want to die, but I can't do it to my family now I know what it feels like. I don't take drugs anymore but drinking is becoming a problem, that's when I want to do stupid things. I'm fkn lost and I can't talk to anyone because they'll freak out, I don't want anyone to worry because it feels bad to worry.

I know at some point, I wont be able to control myself and do something to myself I can't take back. I have nothing to offer in life, I'm not an idiot and I know others see that in me. The thing is I don't care, I just don't want anyone else to hurt. I've seen too much shit in state care growning up. I'm overwhelmed by life, I don't know what to do.

I'm on an anti-depressant but its fkn useless, it doesn't help anymore. I think my depression is beyond medication, I need sedation so I can't think. On top of that I was diagnosed with COPD at 24 from smoking.

Everything is adding up to an inevitable ending that I can't handle, its almost 12am and here I am spilling my problems because I don't know what to do anymore. I just want peace but I find the opposite, I can't be sober and that's a problem. My best friend may still be alive if he never ended up in care or on drugs, I feel like I'm heading down the same road.

I hate life, but at the same time I love my family and want to live for them. Its just hard to cope with the hand I'm dealt

[Sophie_M]

Hi there, User234!

Firstly, thank you very much for choosing to join our community! We hope this will be a source of genuine strength and support for you!

We are saddened to hear this has been such a long and difficult journey of grief and challenge for you - the pain of losing someone close can be all the more surreal and difficult when its through suicide and the bereavement that follows. We cannot begin to imagine how that is amplified by the history of state care, and isolation, that you both faced.

Allow us to commend you on the strength you are trying to summoned to live on for your family, and the hardened determination we hear as you state that you don't want anyone else to hurt. Fighting through that alone, however, is something that we don't wish you to have to do; and so, we hope you will continue to speak with us here on the forums, and we want to invite you to reach out to our team as well! Please consider calling 1300 22 4636; or if phone calls can be uncomfortable for you in anyway, please do click here to start a webchat: we would genuinely love to hear from you.

In the meantime, thank you for the bravery and conviction you show in reaching out, and telling your story so truthfully! Please talk with us again.

Regards,

Sophie M.

[therising]

Hi User234

My heart truly goes out to you given all you're trying so hard to manage at this incredibly overwhelming time in your life. I don't believe there is anything that compares with overwhelming pain and pure despair. From my own experience, these are to be found in the depths of depression, an incredibly torturous place to be.

I can't imagine the heartbreak you still feel over having lost your best friend but what I can imagine is you wanting to have said 'Give me a chance to make a difference, so as to keep you here'. While you manage so thoughtfully in trying to not upset your family, would you consider speaking with them as giving them that chance? Perhaps another way of looking at it is...if one of them holds the key or keys to making a difference to you, your job is to find them. Btw, it's amazing how many people we come across who don't have any keys that begin to unlock things for us. I'm a realist. From what you say, the anti depressants aren't proving to be a key. Realising what is not one is also important.

As a gal who was a drinker throughout long term depression, I can relate in some ways. While it can take away a number of intensely challenging emotions at times, it also kind of numbs the conscious part of you that gives you all the reasons to stay. While I still enter into periods of depression, I've found I can't drink through them. Its the feelings themselves that push me hard to make greater sense of the challenges I face. I have to feel them otherwise I'd never address anything. Such a brutal form of evolution. You have been through so much from a young age and have felt so much in the process. Perhaps you have witnessed the worst in human nature and are yet to fully make sense of what you've witnessed/experienced.

Every significant answer will unlock something, which explains a desperation for answers. Every significant answer is a key. Whether the 1st is found in coming here or it involves gradually unlocking the incredibly complex nature of grief or something else, you'll know when you've found it because you'll feel it (as relief). Being a seeker (of keys) could define your purpose, your reason for being here.

[Junior1962]

Hi there

It sounds like you are in unimaginable pain and I'm glad you've reached out for help.

What I'm hearing from you is unresolved grief (i used to do grief counselling). Have you ever had grief counselling?  It's distinct from psychology as grief is not taught in pyschology - believe it or not!

You may also be interested to know that anti-depressants may help with depression but they won't help with grief.  Grief is a normal, natural process and it takes time and sometimes help to get through it.

Grief is not always about physical loss either.  You've had a really hard time of it and you wouldn't be human if you weren't finding it hard.  You've not had the sort of family life that you've seen others having.  That's loss. Then there's the trauma of things you have seen and experienced while in state care.

Your feelings are normal given your circumstances.

I hope you can find peace.