Depression kicking my butt... can't get joy from anything

[Jessksch]

I'm over 30 and just don't have any motivation anymore for anything. Nothing excited me about the future.

I have a partner who I love very much but is also just stressing about work all the time and going through his own problems.

He's strong though and not a very easily emotional person, so I think maybe he's better off finding someone else.

I just can't see myself wanting to be around anybody anymore, only my cats.

Animals have always been there for me: my parents tried but I was too "different" they couldn't connect with me. Also at school I was bullied and never had any friends.

I mean people always still invite me to parties but never anything personal really.

I tried making a friend who I though we got along perfectly but then she said she was getting busy with work and I never heard from her again.

I guess people just get bored of me and I don't hate them for it , I have just accepted they will be happier with people in similar personalities etc...

I wanted to do a course in vet nursing, but even in the past it was a struggle as I was studying "at my own pace" but still had to hand in assignments on a due date. Supervising nurses could never keep to it as I was only a volunteer, why put in effort to train me ? Corona hit and I had to take a break anyways...

Nothing I want out of life, even with hard work is achievable. People are all busy with their own problems and have no idea how to help me.

I made an appointment with my psychologist for next week , I had the luxury of taking some days off, which is unfair compared to even my partner who has to work to the bone for his job and things .

I guess I'm hoping to find something to want me to carry on, but nothing in this world makes it worth the hard work and stress anymore, I just want to sleep, at least my dreams are nicer most of the time.

[therising]

Hi Jessksch

I believe what we can learn about our self through hindsight is revealing but only when it's completely clear. Until we begin to wake up to who naturally are, hindsight can leave us kind of looking in the rear view mirror of life beating our self up for all the things we believe we've 'failed' at.

Through clear hindsight I can say I cannot work with the public. They're just too triggering. Self entitled people, who feel entitled to treat me like garbage definitely trigger me. This is why I gravitate toward the private sector. Through hindsight I can say I've always been somewhat of an introvert. I used to wonder what was wrong with me, why I didn't like large social gatherings. I used to cope by drinking. I have now come to love my introverted nature, as it serves me in so many ways. Through hindsight, while I loved painting on canvas and became disappointed in myself for having lost that passion, I finally realised I didn't have enough inspiration in order to maintain that passion. I know I'll return to it one day, through some new form of inspiration. Through hindsight I've learned I'm a feeler and it's not my fault if others don't feel as deeply as I do. We're all different. Through hindsight I can easily say I'm a specific type of learner. I learn best through my imagination rather than through memorising a stack of stuff on paper. I can't learn through what doesn't trigger my imagination or what doesn't maintain my interest. I also can't learn through people who don't have the time to teach me. It's not our fault if a system is not well set up for allowing enough time to teach us.

One thing I came to realise, which changed my life is...I really didn't know my natural self all that well. I believed there was so much 'wrong' with me until I was led to see myself from a different perspective. Working 3 days a week may naturally suit you. The question is 'How will you manage the other 4 days?'. Personally, I worked my last shift just last night, having resigned in order to focus on an enormous amount of small challenges that have come to a head in my life. I know I will naturally work best with these challenges without time divided between them and the job I was in. I feel blessed to have the support of my husband in this decision.

[Jessksch]

I feel a lot happier today after finishing work for the week (even though I have loads of house work etc to keep up again). My paintings haven't sold sadly either but kind of just drifting on now with no real aim or caring about anyone or anything except my cats and my partner and rent,bills and food being paid.

My partner is in a bad place today because friends don't seem to show much they care for him and I can understand and just added in I am here for him and that whatever he needs just ask. I hate I can't help him, in fact, the guilt of not being able to help is has taken over feeling anything for my depression!

But, just taking little steps as I go: he is not depressed because of me, we are happy together and he is allowed to feel sad. He got himself some pizza and playing video games, I am trying to get a funny movie we can both watch together and see how we go.

Happy New Year!

[Bob_22]

Hi Jessksch,

Thank you for the update. It's so lovely to hear that you had a good week. I hope you had a lovely new year's as well. I'm sorry to hear about your partner but I hope he is feeling better now. Please keep us updated and thank you again for sharing. Remember to take time during this period to take care of yourself!

Bob