can't take it anymore

[britishtvfan]

i'm having such a hard time lately. i had some person in the uk who i thought was a good close friend of mine. there were so many red flags that i didn't see - they didn't show me what they looked like & when i politely asked them they kept making excuses like "so what if i am an old creepy man, it wouldn't make a difference?" & things like that. i get being insecure but she knew what i looked like. i knew her name & age but that's all. i started talking to her on a blogging website because we both liked rock & metal music, old british sitcoms/comedies etc. she was also a violent person as she told me she's beaten people up before in real life. & she shares what she calls "art" which is violent things of blood, people being hurt etc. i should've cut ties with her then. we had an argument because she told me she was going to be there on a certain day after christmas & then she sends me a message an hour before we talk (used to be 3am for me but then 4am because of daylight savings over there) & her message wasn't even apologetic, it was like she typed up some excuse & copied & pasted it to avoid me. i kept apologising to her & admitting my mistakes, trying to work things out for both of us. i liked talking to her because we had inside jokes, we talked about things in common, we roleplayed which i enjoyed (stuff like fanfiction, so we'd act as the characters in a show we both liked & do romance, funny stuff, drama, etc). it made me happy. she was threatening to me although she can't do anything. i'm so hurt & upset by this & i feel so stupid & regretful that i ever joined & talked to her. i can't afford therapy. idk if my meds are working. i just stay up late & sleep in late & my parents get annoyed with me, i understand why but i don't feel like doing anything like going out of the house anymore, i haven't for months, even when i was on good terms with her. she said good things about me like she doesn't want to lose me but she cut ties with me yesterday saying she wants nothing to do with me. accuses me of stuff i never said & did, calls me a narcissist, manipulative, & other hurtful things. i'm in a group online which is for mental health suffers worldwide of all ages trying to support each other in a friendly environment. but i post & they seem to get ignored, like my comments, even when i put trigger warnings. but everyone else's, even worse posts, get approved. i get they're busy. i get left on read & avoided by everyone. i wish i was never born.

[Croix]

Dear Tayla~

I don't envy you the wait, as it's something I find very hard. Time slows and the mind goes round in a preoccupied anxious loop, imagining the worst.

It's hard to distract oneself, though that is really the only thing I can think of to make time go faster. Just trying to read or watch something does not seem to work straight off, the loop is too powerful.

I've had a fair degree of success since I taught myself to use the free phone app Smiling Mind which has exercises for everyone, including me, and I've no real attention span at all in those circumstances.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/

It does take practice but you can end up in a calmer state no longer focused on the problem. If one did nothing it would come back, however I try to have something to go to what I've finished the exercises, the reading or watching I mentioned before. Now they are easier to get into.

Croix

[britishtvfan]

hi Croix.

my psychiatrist has told me about that, i guess i'll look at it sometime. i try to watch videos & listen to music to distract me but it still reminds me of her. like a Slipknot lyric (yes i like them) - "everything i see reminds me of her & i wish i didn't care anymore".

i'm trying to be hopeful & think positively about her response but i'm scared given what's happened previously. i was going to suggest we start talking once a week, i would say once a month but i couldn't handle waiting that long & may be clingy again. i'm still hurt from her but i'm willing to try & start fresh & forgive her, or atleast say i will. all i want from her is the same thing.

[Croix]

Dear Kayla~

I'm wondering how things have gone, did you get a note from your psych, and if so is it something you can use?

I hope the waiting for your pych is over

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Kayla~

I'm just popping in to see how you are going - no need to reply unless you want to.

Croix

[britishtvfan]

hi, sorry i didn't reply.

well, very bad news. i messaged this person again last night, someone wrote something up for me to send to them to try to repair things again. i got called very offensive & hurtful things like a rapist (because i keep persisting when i'm being told no & i'm definitely not one of those), a bitch, got told they never cared about me & my mental health, they only talked to me because they felt sorry for me, they never enjoyed roleplaying & so on. they attacked me for shutting down their ideas. a couple i didn't like & i didn't feel comfortable doing or they were something really stupid, so i told them that. they did the same with me. then they say they couldn't talk to me about anything else, but when i did that they shut me down too. i let them talk to me about whatever but they once said their cat was meowing a lot cause they were having salmon for dinner, like i just said lol. what am i supposed to say anyway?

they also said the thought of talking to me again f****** sickens them & they're so f****** sick of me, amongst many other hurtful things. said i'm the most toxic person they've  ever met. i found out their true identity, they're a 42 year old creepy man, they sent me a photo. they said reverse search it so i did.

i feel so stupid, regretful & so many bad emotions for trusting them, for telling them about my  mental health, my first name & last name (i gave them one of my emails incase  they wanted to contact me again before this happened), that i'm from australia & my age. i regret ever talking to them & spending so much time on them. i fell for their lies & said i felt like they were a good close friend. i should've seen the red flags sooner. i'm so stupid.

i feel so scared, & i feel like the picture of what they look like is stuck in my brain. i should've listened to those telling me to stay away. i have PTSD & this is very traumatic & very hard for me to forget & move on, but i am trying. i definitely won't ever be contacting them again after this. some girls on discord that i talked to about it in a mental health server went behind my back & messaged them saying they were disturbed by my behaviour because i said i feel like this person wants me dead. i apologised to them & these girls & said i said it because people have said that to me in the past & i feel that way, i know it wasn't ok.

i blame myself a lot, i messed up a lot.

[Croix]

Dear Kayla~

I'm afraid it has taken me a while to get back to you, I wanted to think about what you said then I went away shortly after and have only just returned. I certainly wasn't lack of concern for you , in fact you are the first person I'm talking to on my return.

I guess your posts show two things, the grief at having lost someone you thought a friend, with the loneliness that comes from it. The fact you tried so hard to restore things only goes ot show how much that relationship meant.

The other thing is your words are full of self-blame and thinking you messed up. To answer that I'd like you to realise that most people judge others by their own standards. A dishonest person will suspect everyone assuming them to be like themselves. You on the other hand are a straightforward, caring  and honest person and without hesitation expect others to behave in the same way you do.

I do not think it at all possible for you to conduct themselves as this person has, and particularly not try to pretend to be someone you are not. In fact to try to pretend shows them to be calculating and thinking only of themselves and what advantage they can gain.

You may be sadder at the moment, but you are wiser too, and better able ot protect yourself next time. There will be next times and I'm sure they will be better ones.

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Kayla~

I'm just checking in to see how you are going, if you felt like replying that would be great - but no obligation if you'd rather not or don't feel up to it.

Croix

[britishtvfan]

I hardly even check these forums anymore, maybe I should try using them more often even just for social threads like the games and BB cafe. I've still been missing the person I wrote about in this thread, still trying to recover from it. I'm hesitant finding others because I get possessive with my interests and keep them to myself, I know it's weird but that's just me, and people make fun of me and things I like. Everything's just gone wrong and gotten worse since December. All I do is stay up late until the morning then sleep late until night, I know it's bad but I'm just really depressed and I can't snap out of it and motivate myself to get up early and do things. I'm just a failure and everything bad. Sigh.

[Croix]

Dear Tayla~

I'm really pleased to hear from you again. It's true htat not all parts of hte Forum suit everyone -plus people change - so if you thought the lighter areas were more suitable I'd enjoy seeing you there.

It's easy to blame oneself and feel a failure , I've often done this myself. Eventually I come ot see it was more the symptoms of depression and other problems and less me. That can be a comforting thought.

Can I ask if you are still watching British shows?

I hope to see you round as I'm sure will others

Croix

[britishtvfan]

Hi Croix.

Yes I still watch my old British TV, although all I've been watching lately is Heartbeat when it's on TV. Idk about anything anymore.