Boyfriend with anger issues

[pinkbutterfly]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for about a year. Everything was perfect at the start but then all of a sudden about 6 months in he started getting major bursts of anger over tiny things and it was like nothing i'd ever seen before, he will start sweating and crying, screaming in my face at the top of his lungs to the point he'll lose his voice, saying the most horrible and hurtful things about me, wouldn't let me leave and threatened suicide if i tried to leave his house and won't calm down for hours. I eventually couldn't handle it anymore so I left him but he promised he'd get help so we eventually got back together. He'd still say some horrible things to me but he never got properly angry up until the last month, where he's started to have a few of these outbursts again. I know deep down it's not healthy and i am scared to be alone with him, but i just can't bring myself to leave because when he's not angry he's the kindest most perfect boyfriend i could ask for. He has history of these outbursts with his family as well. He's never purposefully gotten physical, just pushed me multiple times when i've tried to stop him from hurting himself during the outbursts. i'm just so lost with what to do.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Pinkbutterfly,
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue Forums, we hope you can find the support you are looking for here. Thank you for reaching our today and sharing your experience with us. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation with your partner and you are worried both for your safety and his safety.
 
We would strongly encourage you to contact 1800 Respect (1800 737 732) to speak to one of their counsellors about the situation you are in now. They can help talk you through your dilemma and guide you in the safest path through this situation.
 
We want to highlight that, based on what you have described, the situation you are in is abusive. We know that you care for your boyfriend and you want to protect him, however threatening self-harm or suicide to control a person’s behavior is abuse, as well as the verbal and physical abuse you have described.
 
In addition, if you are in a situation where you are unsure for your boyfriend’s wellbeing, we would recommend contacting suicide call back service on 1300 659 467 and a counsellor can help you through this. If you feel he may act on his threats, do not hesitate to contact 000. You are not alone, allow medical and mental health professionals to help him instead of yourself.
 
Do you have anyone that you trust that you have been able to speak to about this?
 
Is there any family or friends that can help support you or provide you with a place to stay if you are feeling unsafe?

Please feel free to keep posting and keeping us updated as to how you are doing. 

[geoff]

Hello Pinkbutterfly, welcome to the site and thanks for being very brave to contact us.

There may be times when he is a lovable type, but it's the time when he is yelling, screaming and making awful comments that are concerning because you wouldn't know what may happen next, and that can be scary.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest that the longer you stay with him, you're not sure what he's capable of, although we know you are frightened because his promise to get help may not materialise.

This all depends on who is renting/buying the property, however, if he works or is away during the day then that's the time to leave, but make sure you have the items and clothes already decided on taking, if he owns/rents the property and have a look at safe houses or contact Anglicare who can provide accommodation in a safe area, block his phone number and be sure that very few people know of your address, the less the better.

If it's your house/flat on the lease or buying then go and visit the police and obtain an AVO so he is not allowed anywhere near you, if he does then he will have to answer to the police etc.

That's just a broad idea of what to do, but would really like to know a little more about your situation, but you have to make sure you look after yourself.

Please take care.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi pinkbutterfly

You sound like the most beautiful person, so easily able to see the best in people, including your boyfriend.

It sounds like your boyfriend's facing a significant challenge in his life which involves coming to know himself better, so as to understand why he has these outbursts and how he needs to manage his frustration, levels of intolerance and so on. One thing I believe which is so important for you to consider is - he's never been led to hit you, so far. 'So far' is something you need to consider. For example, just say you stay with him and eventually have a baby with him. As a mum, I can tell you a baby can really push your buttons, especially when they're crying a lot with colic or hunger or the need for sleep etc. Your boyfriend, I imagine, hasn't faced this type of stress in his life. Imagine you discover he's not at all good with it and blames you for the baby crying. The baby keeps crying and he blames you more. You become more and more anxious as he becomes angrier. The baby continues crying, even louder now, sensing the building tension. Baby's are highly sensitive. The crying gets louder and all of a sudden your boyfriend hits you as he says 'I told you to shut it up!'. Of course, this may not happen but there are no guarantees.

What can you see happening in the future, based on your boyfriend not accepting the challenge when it comes to better understanding himself, his triggers, his feelings, his thoughts, his tolerance levels etc? I imagine he'll stay the same or maybe even get worse. There's not doubt, he needs to face this challenge constructively, perhaps on his own.

While you see the best in him, you know deep down, the best in him won't cancel out his toxic nature without him addressing this nature.

To say to him 'While I can easily see the best in you, I can't live with the worst in you' is fair, I believe. For you, if the worst in him is becoming depressing, anxiety inducing, incredibly stressful and is leading you to low self esteem, he's taking away the best in you. How much of you are you going to allow his behaviour to take?

I imagine, if you were to speak to others who've faced domestic abuse for a number of years, they'd most likely say 'My partner took the best in me and destroyed it. He/she took my confidence, my happiness, my fearlessness, my fun loving nature and more and just destroyed it all'. Pinkbutterfly, don't stay for that, don't settle for that. You are too beautiful for that 🙂

[tranzcrybe]

You may be unwittingly setting a precedent in which you condone the outbursts, physical, and verbal abuse by remaining.
Did he actually receive help or merely promise before your return?
Being scared to be alone with someone is an early warning sign but is overridden by your excuses and justifications - allowing yourself to be pushed may seem harmless until you fall in/on to something with dire consequences for all.
Walking out at the first sign of anger may help to get the message across. Coming back after genuine treatment may provide some motivation to see it through if indeed his heart is in the right place.