A somewhat Positive Achievement

Eclipse0433 · ‎01-02-2021

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to share a somewhat important milestone for myself. A few days ago I went to a GP to get a mental health plan done. This was huge for me as I have a fear of doctors and feel like I don't deserve help. While I experienced some of the highest anxiety levels in my life leading up and on the day of my GP visit it went relatively ok. The GP I saw was respectful and understanding of mental health which is rare within the medical field. Also just a random question but has anyone done the dass 21 assessment? How did u find it? I think as a mental health assessment it isn't too bad.

The plan for myself is to start the process to go to a headspace clinic. This is inevitably going to be a long process as the wait times are always long (I have been to headspace before when I was younger). While this is not their fault as they do their best while fighting a difficult battle, it is hard knowing I will have to continue to fight my battle alone for a while longer. I know this sounds selfish as there are people going through worse things. To complicate things where I live we have gone back into lockdown (I am sure u will all figure out which state I am in so hello to my fellow West Aussies). While it is only 5 days and I both understand and respect the need for this lockdown (we have to do our best to protect the vulnerable and each other), it does mean my wait for headspace will be even longer. I know this sounds selfish as there are bigger things going on but I am really struggling.

Anyways enough about me. While I have the energy to write up a post I just want to apologise for not offering more support to everyone in this online community. I find that whenever I go to type a response or offer support it just doesn't sound right. I worry about saying the wrong thing. So while I may not respond, I promise that I see u, I hear u and I support u.

Eclipse0433 · ‎01-03-2021

There is a chance my mum might find out I SH today. I am terrified.

Jstar49 · ‎01-03-2021

Hi Eclipse,

I'll be thinking of you. Hang in there.

Maybe you can try and think of what she might say, and how you could respond.

As a mum, after the initial reaction, what I most wanted to know was, how can I help? (And , is it my fault... 😞

As parents we can't help blaming ourselves. Blaming doesn't help anyone. And it's always more complex than it appears. Best thing for you and your mum is to keep the focus on how to move forward, without blame, and with heaps of love.

Big hugs, and all the best. You can do this! And just imagine, once the worst is over, then you won't have to worry about your mum finding out anymore!

J*

Eclipse0433 · ‎05-03-2021

How do u keep going when the system that is meant to help u is so flawed? Since my last time posting on here things have changed rapidly for me. My parents found out I SH. Their reaction was by no means the worst possible reaction but it has been hard the last few days. I can't really go into much detail about everything that's happened the last few days but I just want to talk vaguely about it. I went to a different clinic and saw another psychologist yesterday. I was very lucky to get an appointment as originally the wait time was till April but there was a cancellation. The lady I saw was nice enough but it was another classic moment where the psychologist unconsciously looks overwhelmed and like she doesn't know what to do with me. And of course my next appointment after this isn't till late April. Like that's gonna help me. Honestly it's like u have to be at very rock bottom to get help through the mental health system. This experience has left me angry, hurt, miserable and just exhausted. It's like there is no point trying to get help cause u won't receive it. No wonder help comes for people too late. So much more has happened that I want to talk about it but for now I am going to leave it there. I hope u are all having a nice day.

Sophie_M · ‎05-03-2021

Hi Eclipse,

It sounds like it's been an overwhelming time for you, and we can understand that you'd be feeling many different emotions right now. We're happy for you that you saw a new psychologist and that you were able to get in to see her quickly this time.

We can hear that you're feeling discouraged by the time between appointments. We would recommend that you develop a kind of safety plan for the time between appointments. You take take a look at how to do this through our page “Create your Beyond Now safety plan” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning/create-beyondnow-safety-...

Some things that might also help support you in time between appointments is joining a support group to try and build a social network in your area.You can find information on support groups available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/

You may also get in touch with Headspace - they offer a wide range of services which you may want to get involved in, such as group programs. They also have a group chat on their webpage.

Getting in touch with a counsellor from Kids Help Line is another option that can help you between sessions.

Hopefully some of our community members can also chime in with some ideas of how they cope between appointments. Thanks for keeping us updated here.

Eclipse0433 · ‎05-03-2021

Hi thank u for your response. I just don't see the point anymore. Talking to the online helplines can be helpful to some degree but it will never be enough. I just feel defeated but it is ok. I dealt with all this by myself since I was 12 what is a few more years suffering in silence? Just makes u realise there is such a gap between the treatment of physical problems and mental. Nobody really cares. They either want your money or they want to ship u off to another person/service as quick as they can.

Jstar49 · ‎06-03-2021

Hey Eclipse,

Thanks for staying in touch. I know it's so hard to keep on communicating, when sometimes just speaking out the problems seems to magnify them, temporarily at least.

Hey don't give up ok?

Stay in touch, keep talking. Every now and then you will get someone, perhaps on the helplines, maybe a counsellor, who can really get on your wavelength, and help. And thats worth hanging on for.

The road to wellness can seem really long at times, and for you, if you've been struggling-on your own?- since the age of 12, then that is a REALLY long time, no kidding.

So, the worst is out. Your folks know about your SHing. And sounds like they might be struggling to know how to respond. Thats probably really normal. Disappointing! But normal. Hey I didn't respond well either to my d, and I'm in this field. Admittedly SH-ing wasn't a thing that we talked about in my younger days, not even in training 20 yrs ago.

Can you hang in there? Let your mum catch up a bit, and give her a chance to respond helpfully? I know it must be really hard, you're hurting, and you want someone to help, to take away the pain.

Did I tell you about the ice? I was researching SH, and I came across a tip which had helped many ppl, to hold ice cubes in your hand when you feel like SH-ing.

The best, most brightest of people struggle with feeling good about themselves, and having a purpose. You can do this. You CAN get through today. That is enough.

Heaps of love and hugs,

J*

Eclipse0433 · ‎11-03-2021

Before I start I just want to say that at the moment I am safe. I just want to get my raw feelings out.

I don't want to be alive. There I said it. Life at the moment is suffocating. Nothing is fun anymore. Everything is stressful. This spiral I am going down could have been avoided if even ONE of the services I have seen the past few weeks took the time to actually assess me and help me.

I am dropping down from 4 units at uni to 2. Because I can't handle the pressure. I would rather drop all my units but my mum is insistent on me continuing study. I feel like a failure cause I can't handle the pressure.

I just want help. Some genuine help. If I had a severely broken leg I wouldn't be told "sorry the wait time is 6 weeks". I don't care what form this comes in outpatient or inpatient but I just want help. I want to be able to tell someone that I have suicidal thoughts. I want my feelings to be validated. I want someone to realise that work and uni should not even compare in priority to my mental health. What does a degree even mean if u are living a constant struggle.

But reality is I won't get this help. I never will. What even keeps me going? I don't know maybe this fear of letting people down. I am just so fed up at the moment.

Sophie_M · ‎11-03-2021

Dear Eclipse0433,

Thank you so much. The fact you continue to keep reaching out here despite experiencing such setbacks is admirable and very brave. We know it isn't easy asking for help but it is so important that you keep doing so until you find something that works for you.

Have you contacted student support services at your university? They may be able to give you more appropriate options and referrals.

We're so glad you have found some helplines helpful. We know we've mentioned several Beyond Blue resources, Headspace and KidsHelpline to you earlier in the thread. Did you know if you feel like you're reaching a crisis point you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 any time of the day or night? You might also like to check out the Suicide Call Back Service. You can call them 24/7 on 1300 659 467 or you can register for online chat or video counselling: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/

Please keep checking in here to let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it and remember you're not alone and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need in this safe and non-judgmental peer support space.

Jstar49 · ‎11-03-2021

Hi Eclipse,

I've marked your post as helpful because , even tho it’s really sad to read of how desperate and alone you’re feeling right now, it is helpful to understand a little bit more about what’s going on for you.
it must be sooo frustrating to not be getting the support you need right now.
is it an option to access a counsellor? You won’t get the rebate as it’s not a psych, but I found I got in to one very quickly, without the wait times. As you say, it’s important to get your feelings out, be heard, have them validated.
Sophie’s suggestion of accessing student support is a good one too. After all, this is affecting your studies. I found my tafe counsellor very helpful.
dear eclipse, I hope that there is some sunshine in your day today, despite the heavy weather.
Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and struggles.
Big hugs

J*

Eclipse0433 · ‎12-03-2021

Hi thank u both for your responses! I haven't tried to see a counsellor as I want to find someone to see regularly. I am even considering trying a psychiatrist as psychologists seem not to know what to do with me. I just wish I had the bravery to call one of the local assessment teams in my area. The only problem is none of them have emails, u have to call. The thought of having to call is just too much. Even the local mental health helpline in which u can get assessment and advice is to daunting to call.