The sound of the rain doesn't last long enough

[lilly2016]

I love the smell and sound of the rain as it falls onto the trees outside, it makes me feel protected for a short time. I try and sleep as much as possible so I don't have to think, I dream a lot and sometimes I wish I was stuck in that dream for eternity without the harsh reality of waking up and accepting things how they are and facing my worst fears.Tthe rain creates a blanket of security for me as long as I'm inside. When the sun is shining it makes no difference in my world, i wish it did. Having no interest in anything is debilitating you have no real discussions no enthusiasm and you come across incredibly boring, which is in my case.Everyday tasks take an effort and my body is tired as as is my mind. I need more hours in the day so I can dwell on the things that are causing this crippling pain so I can somehow come to a solution.

[Croix]

Dear Lilly2016~

I can't find your other 2 posts - sorry - so I'll treat this as your first and say welcome. The sound of rain soothes me. I have a tin roof and it sounds quite loud, the wind too has it's place. When pressed I try to imagine myself in a special place I knew as a lad, where wind, rain and sea all meet. Familiar and comforting.

So I can understand. I also understand the retreat to sleep and not wanting to face life with all its sharp edges. I'm not sure more hours in the day would help, for me the help had to come from outside myself. No solutions I could think of, quite the reverse in fact.

So may I ask more about you and your life? You sound very like I have done when depression has been taking over. Are you getting medical support? It was the only way I improved.

How about people in your life, any to understand and care? Facing things alone is very hard.

Lack of enthusiasm does go, and accomplishment and interest can come again. Would you like to talk about the things that lie heavy on you at the moment? Also perhaps things you have enjoyed or done well in the past?

I'd be happy if you came back and said more

Croix

[lilly2016]

Thankyou for your reply, I'm my own worst enemy, I suffer from anxiety and depression among other things, I've been using alcohol to numb the pain and because of this reason, things have got out of hand, I feel like a child trapped in an adults body, I seriously don't have the maturity I should and I know that's true. I'm like a scared little rabbit. Tomorrow I need to have the courage to face my fears, I will be judged on my misconduct at work and I must face the humiliation and colleagues with grace, getting drunk at work is a serious situation, so I will have to face the consequences as an adult. I don't know what's going to happen or even if I have a job anymore, regardless of this I have to face the music and suffer. My heart's pumping, I can't breath, I can't think, this is totally consuming me, how will I ever find the courage to face this. I want to run away from this whole situation, I'm not brave by any stretch of the imagination. If I get through this and I have my doubts, I will try so hard for a new action plan to prevent me from getting into this sort of mess again. I need strength, I need courage, I need to face this no matter what, but I don't want to.

[Croix]

Dear Lilly2016~

I used to think I was my own worst enemy too, but over time learned that it was the PTSD, depression and anxiety which were the true enemies, I was bigger than that, they were not all I was.

You too are bigger than those illnesses, and the alcohol too, even if when under their influences you find that hard to believe. You are capable of kindness, of laughter, of accomplishment, of appreciating rain, just as I am.

There is a free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. I use it among other things to occupy me when waiting for something unpleasant. It takes practice, but that's good. Can I suggest you give it a try and maybe not use dutch courage, even if it is very tempting? Win, lose or draw if you come out knowing you managed without that is a huge thing.

Most workplaces look more kindly on those that show they are trying to improve. Are there things you can say/do that would help there?

Is there anyone to help you wait, maybe even take you to work?

Croix

[lilly2016]

Thankyou for the reply, I will look up that smiling mind later on. Yes I gather I am capable of a lot more, just hasn't happened yet, well I have good days too but not as many as I would like. In relation to work, these are the wrong type of people to give you a chance, it's a cut throat industry. I know definitely I'm getting a warning letter, this will be the second, the first was when I was depressed and had two weeks off work, that's embarrassing in itself. I don't know why I had to humiliate myself so much, I wish I could just up and leave, run away. Whatever happens, happens I guess, at least I will know I had the courage to face the situation no matter what. I gave up drinking, after that episode I don't want it in my life. I feel like I'm facing a firing squad, scared of rejection, scared of humiliation, scared of the shame. I'm am emotional wreck, panicked and withdrawn. Thanku for listening and writing a reply, even though you yourself must at times go through a pretty rough time given what you have been through.

[Rishie]

Hi Lilly, I'm so sorry for the troubles you arre having at work. It is very understandable that you are worried. Good on you for stopping drinking, it's brave of you to do that. It's hard to let go of things we think are helping us, even when they aren't really. I sleep too much too, I'm trying to overcome it but it's a slow process.
I love the sound of the rain and the smell of the earth after rain, it's such a clean smell and it makes me think of new beginnings. The failures of the past are washed away, we can't do anything about them except learn from them. Today is a new day and a fresh chance.
I'll be praying for you about the work situation.
Rishie

[lilly2016]

Thankyou so much for your kind words, yes I would like to make a fresh start, I like that line "past failures are washed away" I wish I could do that right now. I know everything is a process, I don't expect my depression to go overnight if ever, mum had it until she died, but at least i can try on everything else and perhaps make a difference if I can. I'm praying for myself too for work tomorrow, they don't know about my panic attacks and my previous self medication with alcohol, maybe I just be totally honest with everything and if I get the boot well at least I know I was honest in doing so. We will find out everything sooner then I want to I guess.

[Croix]

Dear Lilly2016 (with a wave to Rishie)~

I too like that expression of failures washed away and new starts. For me the wind rather than the rain. New starts, well I'd prefer the small strengths I have are still there and added to, rather than a clean slate. I learned of my bad temper, thoughtlessness, rash acts and other things. I don't want to forget, just have them as gentle reminders rather than crushing memories.

Does that sort of make sense? You have much inside you that is admirable and worth building on. Having the sense to doubt alcohol is a pretty good indication, as is a value of truth. To see and refer to my problems shows empathy too.

It is always hard to judge oneself, and easy to fall into the trap of being overly harsh, when being human, ill and under pressure is the case. This can lead further and to thinking in terms of black and white.

May I suggest you see how your interview at work goes, and respond not just the bald truth for the sake of truth, but in a way that can get some understanding and a view that you have started on a better path? Maybe it won't work, maybe it will. Being kind to yourself is not just a phrase.

Actually that is entirely true. To stop drink deserves respect. Whatever happens I suspect you will cope well.

I'm sorry about your mother, her life must have been hard. May I ask if you are under treatment for depressing? Mine got worse until I did.

You are among friends here, I hope you talk some more and let us know how you go

Croix

[lilly2016]

Thanks for the advice and making me feel like I actually have someone to share my experiences with, no matter how crippling they are. I went to work today and was scheduled to meet with my boss after an incident involving self medicating and the circumstances around that, I also received a letter outlining her disgust which I can understand, anyway she wasn't in the office today, cut a long story short, I've been really sick with stress and anxiety and it's made me physically ill as well and I had a spell at work today and had to leave to go home sick unfortunately, I am booked into a GP to whom I discuss my condition/s with and I feel that I need extra help, extra days off I. Order to feel the slightest bit better, this will not sit well with my boss but I feel I have no choice. She's extremely upset as it is and she makes that known to me, it's no secret, so this will probably tip her over the edge. Thankyou again for listening to me and my thoughts and it's nice to hear we are all friends on here.

[Croix]

Dear Lilly2016~

I'm not sure if it was good or bad your boss was not there today, true you are still waiting (something I find very hard) but if it has prompted you to go to the doctor then that's good.

Not only might you have the obvious practical benefit of a medical certificate but more importantly it might be the start of treatment that helps you deal with what might be like hte depression and anxiety Ive experienced. I never improved at all, in fact went backwards, until I had the proper help.

If you are worried your absence will not go down well with your boss do you think there would be any advantage in sending a note of explanation and telling what you are doing now? At least it would account for your not being there and as it is written down in advance you could take your time to get it right, rather than being flustered in a face to face situation.

Is there anyone in your life to support you, someone that cares? Trying to deal with all this by yourself in isolation simply makes it harder.

Croix