Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

[quirkywords]

Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

I am here to help you why can't you see that?

Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

Quirky

[Emotions26]

Hello Quirkywords. COVID twice in that time span is hard. I am still not fully recovered from COVID in mid August. Respiratory heaviness and la k of energy. It affects my sleep and state of mind. I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling like. I hope that you can manage plenty of rest each day. My Dr insisted on that. I hope that you have som people helping you.

Please take care. Only respond if you feel up to it. Your health comes first 🌺Em

[mmMekitty]

Hello Quirky

I'd like to ask your inner critic:

Would you say every person who have had COVID are/were weak? How does becoming infected with a virus make anyone weak?  Get real!

& tell your inner critic what your doctor says.

*

Thank you, Em. 

I ought to find the thread 'Vent and then let it go...'. That's a great thread.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hello everyone in this thread, 

Thank you Emotions26 for your comment about my post. I agree, most people just don't have these sorts of difficult conversations when someone upsets them. Yes indeed, my cousin may have been tired and trying really hard not to upset me. She told me that she was struggling emotionally on that day, and she didn't feel like herself. 

quirkywords, I am sorry to hear about you having covid the 2nd time in 12 months, that's awful. Having an illness like that reoccur would be very draining on the immune system. No wonder you feel weak!! I hope you recover soon. It does not mean that you are a weak person though. Everyone gets covid. I can understand why you think you should be more resilient. But, lots of people struggle to bounce back from covid. Lots of people get it twice, myself included. It doesn't mean that you are not a resilient person. It just means that right now you are sick, and you probably feel like crap.    

Okay, so..... here is my take on the inner critic.....  

The inner critic has A LOT to say!!! and is often very LOUD!!! and, the name says it all - very CRITICAL. 

And the other parts of the Self can hardly get a word in!!

I have learned along the way, through reading and working through modules and exercises, that other parts of Self need to be heard too. For me, I say to my inner critic something like, "thank you for working so hard to protect me, you can take a rest now". And then, I listen for what other parts have to say. There is probably a nurturing part in there that would talk very differently. I am curious - What what the nurturing part of you say when you are sick, quirkywords?

Also, I have learned, that if I am engaging in a conversation back and forth in my head, it is probably a conversation that needs to be said out aloud to another person!! For example, when my cousin upset me, I had lots of conversations with her - in my head. Then one day I realised that I really needed to actually talk to my cousin! Once the issue was resolved with her, the conversation in my head stopped. So, when my inner critic is strong, it's a like a red flag telling me that something needs to be addressed and resolved.  

MmMeitty, I can sooooooooo relate to sounding defensive when replying to the inner critic! It's like attack and defend, attack and defend, attack and defend. A war going on inside one's head!! It drives me crazy!!!! Of course you're going to get defensive if someone is criticising you! Even if that someone, is yourself! For me, rather than talking back to the critic and adding more fuel to the fire, I say something like, "thank you for trying to help". I find soothing myself with self-kindness helps to tame the inner critic's voice. So it's kind of like stepping out of the boxing ring. Or dropping the tug-of-war rope and walking away from the fight/struggle. For me, I then try to switch my attention to what will help. It could be that I need to have a difficult conversation with someone. It might be that I need to relax the demands and expectations that I have placed upon myself. Or maybe I need some comfort, or some company with friends, or to do something fun. Or maybe I need to book an appointment with my psychologist, lol.   

The self-help modules on the Centre for Clinical Interventions (CCI) website are very helpful for moving from self-criticism to self-kindness:   

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Compassion 

I hope that helps. 

All the best, 

dig

[quirkywords]

I was wondering how everyone is . Are you listening to your encouraging voice or your inner critic. 
I have been run down lately and that gets me down. I suffer intermittent pain which makes it hard to walk etc. I try to cope and live with being tired and pain.

My inner critic says I am whinger and look at those people who are far worse than me and I should stop being self indulgent,

Apart from that I am ok and trying my hardest. 

How is everyone .?

[Emotions26]

Hello quirkywords, divine goddess and Mme kitty

I have so many conversations in my head that do my head in.

I no longer can recognise who is the inner critic who is me what is programmed thinking.

I am tired too and weary. That is an old word isn't it. I believe has a different meaning to tired or overtired.

The old sayings about look at those who are far worse are not helpful at all. My parent's generation.

What is self indulgent about acknowledging that you are tired and in pain?

You probably wish you did not ask how is everyone or at least that I replied.

I have my sense of humour which has really come to the fore in my life and I think is stronger than my inner critic some of the time as the inner critic is no longer the dominant voice.

Does that make sense?

What is your humour doing at the moment Quirky? Just your name tells me that you have a sense of humour.

Ems or Emotions 26

pick one

[quirkywords]

Emotions

What is self indulgent about acknowledging that you are tired and in pain? I like that sentence . 
I have found people just say they are fine when in pain so I feel silly acknowledging my pain. 

my humour is dry and quirky and at times dark .

when I found out there was a condition called bipolar I thought I had two illnesses manic depression as that was what I was diagnosed and the new one bipolar. It took me a while to realise they were same condition. 

thank everyone for commenting and read mekitty and divine and emotions 

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Quirky, Ems, dig, MK and all,

I was listening to a podcast interview with the musician Peter Gabriel the other day and he said he has both a big voice and a little voice within, and he has learned over time to listen to the little voice which is where wise instincts and intuition reside. I suspect the inner critic is like a big voice that can drown out the little voice, so if you can just keep listening to that little voice it is the one that actually knows what to do, how to nurture yourself, how to act wisely etc. It’s so easy for the big voice to dominate.

At the moment my inner critic has been running rampant. I’ve had a significant drop in oestrogen because of perimenopausal hormonal changes. I’ve learned that oestrogen regulates fear, so if it drops out you can suddenly have no capacity to regulate fear and anxiety, which is exactly how I feel. I also have a complex trauma history, so I’m being flooded by multiple past trauma memories all at once. As a result the inner critic that is embedded in all those memories (worthlessness, shame etc) is having a field day. Every now and then I get a glimpse of sanity and groundedness (the little voice) before the aggressive inner critic takes over again.

So I think even our physiological state (hormones, stress etc) play a big role in the activity of the inner critic. So I think what you say about pain Quirky makes total sense. One thing I’ve found has helped recently has been patting a dog (I’ve met a few recently). It’s like caring for the dog instantly switches off my inner critic and my whole nervous system calms down. It isn’t possible for my inner critic to operate while patting a dog. Unfortunately it can return only minutes later, but at least I get some respite for a bit. I think it probably releases oxytocin (bonding/nurturing hormone) which helps to shutdown the inner critic.

And Ems, humour is so helpful. It’s amazing how quickly that can transform how we feel and put the inner critic in the back seat. In fact having comical visions about what to do with the inner critic might be helpful in itself. I’ve just imagined I’m travelling in a car and the inner critic is bullying me. So I’ve tied the critic to the roof so it is nice and quiet inside the car now. I’ll let the inner critic back in when it’s behaving politely, respectfully and kindly.

Now I’m having all sorts of visions, sending my inner critic into outer space with a giant cannon, training with my inner critic on a meditation retreat, playing board games with my inner critic to lighten things and have fun… Lots of different possibilities. Different strategies may work at different times.

That’s where my weird imagination just went!

[Emotions26]

Thank you quirky and hello eagle ray, dig (much easier to write and I rather like it), mmme I sense you in the background which is where you need to be at the moment, perhaps. I think that many people have been taught to not express their feelings or talk about any suffering. I hear people often refer to how well they are doing because they have not cried and in some situations they seriously need to cry. They are angry even bitter and not realising that they are coming across that way. It is so important to be able to express our emotions in a safe place as well. I was brought up not to express anything really so I feel that I brought myself up emotionally. I know that other cultures will openly display their pain and grief which at first felt strange yet now I see as healthy.

I love dry, droll humour and dark well  you might have to give me an example some time, I can't think of anything.

Your confusion around the diagnosis makes sense because the condition used to be referred to as manic depression. I knew a few people who had the condition. I too did not understand the meaning of bipolar until asking and learning that way. I had a diagnosis a long time ago of major depression. That has now become clinical depression and possibly even changed again. I think major depressive disorder. Everything seems to come under the umbrella of disorder now. I later had major anxiety added to the mix and finally complex trauma reduced from chronic.  I tend not to think about all of the labels and do understand the need within the medical world. However in every day life I am me who sometimes has symptoms of some, sometimes all of the above. Occasionally none.

I am still me.

So quirky I think that you are quirky with a dry sense of humour that is sometimes dark.

Mmmme who does not mind me playing with her name has a sense of humour and loves feeling like a mischievous cat at times. Dig, I do not know much about you yet. Eagle Ray we might have met on another thread. I am not sure where. Your analogy of the voices made sense to me. Any human being has voices in their head at some stage. Those who do not struggle accept that fact I imagine. Sometimes I tell myself that when I stop focussing on how I am feeling I feel calmer. For me animal patting, stroking is also very calming. As is nature in all it;s beauty be it trees, plants, bodies of water, the vast seas, the stunning skies, clouds, stars, rain, lightening, thunder. Animal and bird life even watching busy insects. There is so much that we can notice and for me I can feel my heart rate start to slow down.

Eagle ray I think putting the inner critic on the rooftop of your car was a brilliant concept. I would say rather than let it back in once behaving, drop it off somewhere and make it walk home.

On that note. Lovely little connection of tired souls with compassion and a sense of humour.

Thank you for letting me into your environment

Ems

[Emotions26]

ps

keep that imagination happening Eagle Ray,

nothing weird about imagination as it is imaginary and it comes from within you. it is yours.

My inner critic or louder voice is still walking home! A fair way to go yet.

Who knows I might actually get some sleep tonight.

take care all

Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Ems and Everyone,

Yes, giving that inner critic some exercise is a good idea! If I leave it on the roof it might bash and knock on the roof. Best to let it walk off its critical energy and absorb the evening atmosphere, the stars and the fresh air, so by the time it gets home it is sleepy and peaceful. I keep thinking of all sorts of amusing scenarios now. I find the more hilarious they seem, the more it diffuses the inner critic.

I'm getting sleepy myself now. Sleep well all.