Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

[quirkywords]

Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

I am here to help you why can't you see that?

Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

Quirky

[White_Rose]

Hello Nevergoodenough

I want to pick up on a point you wrote. I wasn’t sexually abused or anything really reprehensible and had a white middle class background but I never felt loved or protected.. You also said. but I remember every bad thing....being bullied, made fun of, being physically scared, having no friends, feeling alone and alienated etc etc. So my bad list is huge and I blame myself for almost all of it...(if you hadn’t done this you *** this would not have happened) and like the butterfly effect I often scale it outwards to imagine a very different life... without depression, anxiety, AvPD etc.

When you were a child you had a right to be protected and loved. Bad parenting is as detrimental to someone as sexual abuse. In some ways it's worse because it's so hard to explain or fight. So we end up blaming ourselves because you cannot point to one person or action that is to blame for the way you feel. What general abuse does is to make you feel everything that is wrong or hateful is your fault because you should have known/done better.

How could you know this as a child? By the time you were old enough to try and be confident the damage was done and you have carried the burden throughout your life. It is most definitely the fault of those who were supposed to cherish you, love and protect you. Missing out on that has resulted in your fears and self loathing and that is by far worse than other abuse. These people did not love you.

One more quote. I can’t destroy my family’s life because they are all I have and I love them so much. They have not loved you. Instead they have made you believe you are the person in the wrong and you can only make amends by loving and protecting them.

Many women are bullied and abused by their partners. Some manage to leave the situation which is great but the brain washing they have endured tells them they cannot manage on their and they return to the abuse. Often they will say, "Oh but he loves me really and only hits me because I have done something wrong. It's my own fault". Often adding that they deserved it. In other words it is the woman who has in effect caused the abuse for themselves. I'm sure you can see how wrong this is.

I really believe this is the situation children are in when they are left unprotected. Please think about this.

Mary

[Elizabeth CP]

I think we need to be careful of blaming parents for what happened without knowing the whole story. I was badly bullied as a child & this has had a very negative impact on my life & sense of worth but it was not my parents fault. I never told them what happened. I'm not sure why. It may be I felt safe at home so I didn't want to spoil this be sharing what was happening. I remember my brother telling me something he believed our parents said but it was totally untrue. I imagine they said something & he misunderstood but without questioning them he never learnt the truth until my dad died.

This is not the fault of the child but we are all human & sometimes say things which are misunderstood & visa versa.

[quirkywords]

Thanks Mary and Elizabeth

your posts help the discussion out why some of us have an inner critic, t

I think inner critics have different origins and maybe knowing that can help but often being in the present and learning to know our inner critics helps too.

i know I control my inner critic but at times I give up as it gets too much.
thanks for everyone’s input,

,

[quirkywords]

hello everyone

Is the inner critic all about our self doubt?

What if we were secure and confident would our inner critic have a chance through our thick skin of positivity!!

What if you hear two voices one saying you tried and that when well, the other shouts you messed tha up why do you bother? etc

Which one will you listen to??

[quirkywords]

Hello all

i know people often talk about being positive but sometimes or is not easy.

at time I have a conversation with my inner critic who wants to doubt me.

i challenge critic and show critic how I am competent.

How do you challenge your inner critic. .?

quirky

[Gambit87]

My inner critic is the most vocal when im going something competitive.

When im sparring in taekwondo and get hit because I didn't move in time or had my guard wrong, my inner critic tells me I suck, im a failure, I should just quit etc. I challenge it by going uh - its sparring... i'm going to get hit... it happens - I know what to do for next time and I 'move on'

Same goes when im playing COD (call of duty) when I constantly get shot or have a bad game 'you suck, you suck, just quit because youre a failure'. I say kinda laugh to myself and challenge the thoughts by saying 'I do suck - but I dont care because I enjoy the game... I have good games and bad games, I win some I loose some - its a game - move on.

when Im playing poker - as soon as I feel the inner critic starting to arch up - I flat out say to myself 'uh thats poker...'

Before seeking help, Id always let the critic and negative thoughts take over. This would always make me feel depressed and withdrawn - like I didn't want to do these things any more. With help and using the tools ive learnt ive been able to challenge these negative thoughts as they come in.

[quirkywords]

Gambit,
thanks for your post.
You write “With help and using the tools ive learnt ive been able to challenge these negative thoughts as they come in.“

I am glad you had help in quite ing your inner critic

[quirkywords]

Hello all

I read recently that having a chat with your inner critical help you from being dominated by negative thoughts.

Has anyone tried this out?

[quirkywords]

Just saying hello to see how your inner critic is treating you at this difficult.

I have found challenging my critic when it tells me I am not trying, I am lazy and I mention my good points. It helps a bit.

[blondguy]

Hi Quirky

I hope you are doing well! I havent posted on your thread for a while. You mentioned on another thread topic that people shouldn't shout at us when we make a mistake. I understand you loud and clear there Quirky!

Its not a good place to be in for sure