Staying well

Managing boundaries with people - how do you do it?

replies: 2

One of the most anxiety-producing things for me is managing boundaries with people who push my boundaries and I often haven’t known how to handle this. Much of this links with not being taught healthy boundaries as a child. My mother taught me to tak... View more

One of the most anxiety-producing things for me is managing boundaries with people who push my boundaries and I often haven’t known how to handle this. Much of this links with not being taught healthy boundaries as a child. My mother taught me to take care of her but not really myself. So I grew up thinking it is my job to look after other people. Also, complex trauma issues often led me to appease others as a form of self-protection, thinking that if I help and support others they will be less likely to hurt me. Even now in my late 40s I still struggle to deal with boundaries with certain people. With some friends it is fine. These are friends who are quiet and gentle like me. We never impose on each other and there is a healthy absence of co-dependency. I’m finally learning to recognise the people who are likely to push my boundaries in ways that can be stressful. Sometimes these are needy people who are trying to find ways to get me to take care of them. Other times they are people with dominant personalities who want someone else to have control and influence over. I’m recognising these situations more quickly before they develop. But I still struggle at times managing these people. Both my strength and weakness is that I can see the other person’s vulnerability and I’m caring towards them, but that often leads to them forming an intense attachment to me that then becomes stressful. I find the person can then become quite resentful if you then try to put some distance with them. I’m dealing with someone now who is a bit challenging in this way. So I’m wondering, how do others handle people who put expectations on them to meet their needs? Have you found ways to politely but assertively and skilfully handle such people? My sense is a lot of it is energetic. For example, I think certain people sense that I’m kind and gentle and quickly latch on before I know it. I still want to be kind and gentle, but in a way that protects me and my interests as well. I think how I come across energetically can potentially make a difference. Not sure if that all makes sense? But just curious about other’s means of keeping a healthy boundary.

Alone in a crowd

replies: 13

Hi, an old neighbour once said to me after I told her I felt disconnected from people- "well Tony, we are born alone and we die alone". Pretty solemn stuff. Of course some would argue parents mean we aren't alone but that's missing the point. Some of... View more

Hi, an old neighbour once said to me after I told her I felt disconnected from people- "well Tony, we are born alone and we die alone". Pretty solemn stuff. Of course some would argue parents mean we aren't alone but that's missing the point. Some of us can be in a crowd of what they call "like minded people" and still feel alone... why? The answer has plagued me a lot over the years. I have my theories. Humans are the highest intelligence on our planet and that means we are more in tune with the realities of death and survival. We therefore are more in tune with being alone and that feeling we are not accompanied by others. Unlike a lot of animals we look different to each other and we dont form "packs" as often. Modern man doesnt form pack that is, unlike the Indigenous of all continents did, the reason being that we have less need. If you have money you have all the fruits of human labour like food and shelter. We no longer need someone to help us hunt for bark for a roof nor strength to carry a moose back to camp. Same with queues at a concert- we all have tickets, we dont need the guy next to us for small talk nor his strength... but there is also what I see as automatic segregation. A.S can occur with differences in - age, appearance, religious clothing, over hearing talk amongst others and so forth. There's also perceived differences. People can "guess" they are not suited to engage in a conversation with another based on prejudgements. As a past security guard I've always had short hair and often am asked if I am or was a police member. Maybe that has caused young people to avoid me? I only ever had one best friend. We went to year 10 together then a gap while I was in the Air Force then we hooked up again and we shared nearly all feelings and experiences. Unfortunately he married and the addition of his wife in the mix kind of set me loose from his moorings. I never felt "alone" when we were close. Maybe that is what is missing in a crowd? A real close friend. Alas, I have my wife, I dont feel alone with her true. Even in strong marriages you can yearn for that close friend, maybe I'm thinking - mate? Do you feel "alone" in life? Amongst family? Is that feeling natural do you think? Are all those people in groups at a nightclub also feeling "alone" as they all clamber to get a word in? Doesnt look like it. What is your views on loneliness? TonyWK So, there is a lot of reasons to feel lonely in a crowd.

Self-care before caring for others

replies: 2

Hi everyone, just thought i would post about what worked for me when caring for someone who is undergoing mental challenges. I took care of some of my loved ones when they were mentally struggling. I did not realise this took such a toll on me until ... View more

Hi everyone, just thought i would post about what worked for me when caring for someone who is undergoing mental challenges. I took care of some of my loved ones when they were mentally struggling. I did not realise this took such a toll on me until i found myself always feeling empty and overwhelmed. i felt guilty when i experienced these emotions as i felt like it was my duty to always be okay to help. i started ignoring the signs that i was also struggling and ignored self-care and self-prioritising for quite a while. this ended badly as i was suppressing my emotions to the point that i had a huge breakdown after a couple of months prioritising others over myself. i realised that i couldnt continue ignoring my own needs if i also wanted to help other people. i started to engage in at least 2 hours a day to do the things i loved like exercising or drawing, i ensured that i got enough sleep, and that i would also process my own emotions that involved emotions from my own problems as well as those stemming from trying to help other people. i know that its easier said than done to help yourself before you help others, but starting with something small like allocating a number of hours to check in on yourself goes a long way.

Release your emotions through exercising!

replies: 6

Hi everyone! Just thought that I would share my personal experience and what helped me to process my emotions and symptoms which i have found to be very effective for me. Of course everyone is different and what worked for me may not work for everyon... View more

Hi everyone! Just thought that I would share my personal experience and what helped me to process my emotions and symptoms which i have found to be very effective for me. Of course everyone is different and what worked for me may not work for everyone, but just thought that i would share in case anyone needs it! i have been boxing for 4 years now. i started to box due to the intense emotions that i was feeling and felt lost as to where i can release them. it started out as a simple way for me to get through the day but as i kept on going, i found it to be exceptionally helpful in managing intense emotions like anger. i also bonded with people and found a great community as an added bonus. The combination of being active, having a place to channel my emotions, and having a great support system really helped me for years which is why i continue doing it! i have also found that going to the gym and having a regular routine for it really helped me in being more active and getting things out of my head. it has been my coping mechanism for years now and has allowed me to feel better when i feel like things are getting out of hand. despite the success both exercises have given me, i still had days where i felt like everything was too much and this is completely okay! what matters is the effort you put in to engaging in self-care. i hope this was useful for anyone who might need it

Laughter Clubs are fun

replies: 5

A while back I contacted BB and suggested some members might enjoy participating in laughter sessions. They suggested I join the forums, so here I am. Laughter clubs were started in India in 1995 by Madan Katari, a medical doctor. They were designed ... View more

A while back I contacted BB and suggested some members might enjoy participating in laughter sessions. They suggested I join the forums, so here I am. Laughter clubs were started in India in 1995 by Madan Katari, a medical doctor. They were designed for health and well-being. Now there are thousands of clubs in hundreds of countries. I have been going for more than 20 years in Melbourne and now Adelaide. A typical session is about 30-40 minutes and is outdoor in a park or perhaps on a beach. Venues include shelter in case it rains. A session involves sunshine, fresh air, exercise, connection and even laughter. We don't do jokes. Instead, we act in a playful way. There are hundreds of different laughs to draw from, interspersed with chanting and clapping.Ho Ho, Ha Ha Ha, very good, very good, Yah! You could find nearby club locations by googling laughter yoga Australia. Some sessions use Zoom. Sessions are usually free or a gold coin donation. Afterwards some people have a chat or go to a coffee shop etc. I have made some great friendships at laughter club. Going may be a little daunting at first, but after about 2 sessions you get used to it. I read Julia Gillard said there is nothing better than a good belly laugh and she is right.

Wit - the only answer for torment?

replies: 7

:Like many confused souls on here, I have mental torment. I'm also vulnerable particularly prior to the last 5 years. Since then wisdom has grown- caught up to my 58 years near where it should be. A large part of my vulnerability has been lack of wit... View more

:Like many confused souls on here, I have mental torment. I'm also vulnerable particularly prior to the last 5 years. Since then wisdom has grown- caught up to my 58 years near where it should be. A large part of my vulnerability has been lack of wit. Countless times when I've been abused or slandered I've swallowed it and fumed for a long time. This has resulted in the "steamer effect", my term to describe the pressure cooker within.I havent had the wit to quickly react ideally in a cordial, calm and measured manner to my opponent. "Opponent". Yes we are talking duels here, a fact of life of fighting with other people, an act many find a part of normal life. Once, only once, I predicted a person, in this case my ex defacto partner, that she would approach me on a topic. If so I had an answer for her- I'd had a hobby of building model aircraft for 7 years. She didnt like me spending time at the field. She one day sta down and lit up a *** and said "how much do you think you have spent on your hobby in the last 7 years". I replied "$11,000". To which she replied "are you proud of that"? I replied "far better than the $35,000 you have spent on chain smoking cigarettes". The topic was abandoned. And the topic never resurfaced. I call that premeditated WIT. But premeditated wit does not exist IMO. It was planned to equalise an onslaught of criticism that I believed was not necessary. So, I've seen people in my many workplaces use wit as quick as lightning. A response that leaves the aggressor in their wake or commences a debate. But I dont have that automatic response mechanism in my brain. What is the result of that absence? Torment!! And the long term effect- hibernation. In my case, as stated many times now- hibernation means not locking myself away but some withdrawal from society. Fewer of all people in the end. Fewer meetings with people, fewer clubs to join, fewer facebook friends etc. Effectively, rather than growing wit, I've compensated with less people of whom could hurt me with contact in the first place. The result is less torment. And a happier life. Do any of you have ideas on finding wit? For me I'd need to be on my toes constantly, viewing everyone as a potential enemy. I just want to respond to those abusers out there in an automatic way, to guard myself against humans that feed from nastiness.....

Tolerating people

replies: 24

It is kind of selfish that subject heading but we do often worry about others tolerating us. If you guys ever want to avoid people then drive a bland car, dont take a dog with you and cross the street when others approach. Seriously, I dont do any of... View more

It is kind of selfish that subject heading but we do often worry about others tolerating us. If you guys ever want to avoid people then drive a bland car, dont take a dog with you and cross the street when others approach. Seriously, I dont do any of that, I drive an attractive vintage car and we tow our unique and also attractive homemade caravan. This, when on holidays means bees to honey. So whats my problem? Small talk. I dont drive our rig to get attention, we drive it because we love driving it and staying in our van. So trying to relax for an afternoon nap is nye impossible. Knock knock. Same questions..."Is it an MG"? "What engine's in it...does it tow alright?...a mate of mine has a....well I forget what it is but. .." So, Ive tried parking/camping in the most away position, put a car cover on but the shape you cant hide. Every second visitor rambles on for 20-45 minutes...same questions, same answers. I accept my bipolar tolerance/moods is the problem, no running away from that. But Ive run out of ideas and being an ideas man that doesnt sit right. Its also the case with meeting anyone that talks small talk. If a fellow talks engineering with engines or say aircraft development I'm glued with interest as I find it stimulating...I like learning. If however a he is talking about his grandchilds birthday party how he couldnt blow out all the candles...I'm itching to run away. My dear wife isnt a social creature preferring our own quiet company so its not like I've got her as a distraction for these chatterboxes. So self aware of this problem I have, when I approach someone about there own car or motorhome I only do so to ask specific questions and limit them to say 5-10 minutes. But that's the considerate Tony and that doesnt mean I'm better or more correct than others. Finally, some people use a talking point to actually tell you their life story. The last thing I'd do is be rude however, so I just fume inside. I just cant tolerate small talk for longer than a minute or two. Anyone else feel the same?. What do you do about it? I feel its a case of "been there done that". In my 61 years Ive jammed in 90 jobs and 15 professions. Etc etc Tony WK

Meditation - words of wisdom - it helped me for 25 years

replies: 11

I'm an atheist with a healthy respect for peoples choice for their own religious beliefs. I then tend to slowly move away when anyone starts to talk religion so as not to offend. However 25 years ago a then neighbour lent me a tape of a man named PRE... View more

I'm an atheist with a healthy respect for peoples choice for their own religious beliefs. I then tend to slowly move away when anyone starts to talk religion so as not to offend. However 25 years ago a then neighbour lent me a tape of a man named PREM RAWAT....also known as Maharaji. He asked me to listen to this tape alone and when wanting peace in my life.I listened and the tears never stopped from the beginning to the end. It was and still is the most beautiful piece of music and words I've ever heard.The story of Maharaji as was told to me 25 years ago was: that at 9 years old he attended a funeral where hundreds of people gathered to mourn the death of an elder. In his confusion this boy climbed a tall fence and yelled at all the mourners to stop weeping and instead to rejoice in the elders death,and his achievements. He began to make an impact on his society. At 13 years old there are some youtube film of him addressing audiences...his fame was rapidly accelerating. At around 40 years old he was flying his own Learjet around the world spreading his messages.There may well be a religious foundation to his movement. For me it doesnt matter. I am in awe of his words and Youtube messages and dont intend on pursuing his movement as an official follower. In one of his messages he mentions things like queues, forms to fill out and other stressful modern chores. He puts things into perspective. He gives you the listener the opportunity to reconsider your place in the world, your own presence, appreciating your worth.In one tape I heard, he explained how you have a key to your door- your inner self. No one else has that key. You haveit but you have to find it. Many, so many people never find it...like a life wasted away. Once you find your inner self, no easy feat, you are at full peace. Many of his followers meet him, talk shortly with him and often find out, disappointingly, that he has told them to keep searching for he knows through that short conversation- that they have a journey left to go before they will find their true selves.There are many other reasons why I have ended up a positive thinker in my life. This is only one of them. When my thinking goes 'south' I often click onto one of Maharaji's youtube's to return to the fundamentals. He usually makes more sense than anyone else.Delai Lama and others also hit the mark with quotes. I hope Maharaji helps you, sooths you and gives you a direction of hope.

Dear Diary, a day to day look at self isolation

replies: 112

Hi I have gone into self isolation . I will be alone and not seeing any friends or family. I know we have other threads, but I would really like people to share their day to day thoughts and activities: the highlights the fun things the frustrations ... View more

Hi I have gone into self isolation . I will be alone and not seeing any friends or family. I know we have other threads, but I would really like people to share their day to day thoughts and activities: the highlights the fun things the frustrations he things you can change I think each day it would be good to share On thing that surprised me to day. I would like you to share your ideas because it will help us all work out how. So here is my first entry bit will be back later. Dear Diary, Day 1 I am not sure whether I am excited or a bit unsure. I know I will need to distract myself and hide the chocolate biscuits.!! I have a list of what I want to do but I think it is too ambitious. One thing that surprised me was how much noise I like to have when alone. This may change. Quirky

Can you list what you like about yourself?

replies: 60

Hello everyone! [Grinning LRC*]Please, as a challenge or to share, I would like to invite anyone & everyone to write a list of any length you want, of what you like about yourself.We might even have a discussion about what to include on these lists o... View more

Hello everyone! [Grinning LRC*]Please, as a challenge or to share, I would like to invite anyone & everyone to write a list of any length you want, of what you like about yourself.We might even have a discussion about what to include on these lists or not.Most of all, for this Discussion, I hope, for those who find this really difficult, that reading what others like about themselves will give you some ideas of what is possible. Maybe you will find you like some of these things about yourself?Big hugzies to everyonemmMekitty* LRC = Little Red cat, who wasn't really so little.

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A Bouquet for Pearls - share your appreciation for other members

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