Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

[quirkywords]

Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

I am here to help you why can't you see that?

Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky and All,

For me it is interesting when I finally have one of those "light bulb" moments and realise my thinking doesn't have to be the way it is and I can change it!

Changes in my medication have me feeling more balanced now than I have been in ages, so I am trying to use this time to understand myself better, find strategies that work and work on changing the negative and unhelpful thoughts while I have the energy and capability to do so.

If I mess up and don't do so well, that is okay. I can accept I messed up and try again! I have messed up in the past and survived, I can do it again!

ope you are doing okay Quirky.

Cheers all from Mrs. Dools

[quirkywords]

Mrs Dools

Thanks for sharing you awareness and your acceptance of things that can go wrong and how we can cope.

think that is resilience which I think is a better concept than recovery. People get upset when they have a set back when they though they had recovered.

If we think of resilience we can handle setback as we realise we can cope as we have coped before.

If we have these skills we can quieten our inner critic for a while.

I am ok.

Quirky

[asdff]

At 14 my self esteem was wonderful. I was surrounded my wonderful friends. I didn't have depression. I was having a great time.

[Quercus]

Hi Quirky and everyone reading.

Mrs D I'm glad to hear your meds are helping and you're making plans to help yourself if you hit a rough time again. I admire that.

ASDFF I am envious 😊 Apart from less responsibilities at 14 Iwas much the same as I am now.

Quirky thank you for checking again and replying. I must admit my critic went on a rampage. But this was fine and I went straight to the coping strategy I use when this happens. To assume the best, give people the benefit of the doubt and then let it go 😊. Deep down I knew you'd probably just missed a post. Happens every day online and is no big deal.

Dr Kim started a thread long ago I bookmarked and return to whenever I start thinking I've messed up and someone is angry at me. It is called taking things the wrong way on the forums and in life. Most helpful thread ever to counter unhelpful thoughts and catastophising.

Thank you for easing my mind though. Far out it sucks being so anxious to please. I say I don't care but that must be a lie huh.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone,

Nat,

I have looked at that Dr kim post when you mentioned it before and it is my go to, as well. Sometimes with loved ones it doesn't work but with people whose opinions don't really matter it does help.

Nat, it is funny you were worrying why I didn't comment and then when I realised I had missed your post due to my appalling lack of scrolling skills, I felt really guilty and my inner critic told me what a mean person and uncaring person I was!!! Then I knew you would understand.

What a pair.!

Take care,

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky, Nat and All Reading,

Just about every time I click on to the forum, I forget where I was previously.

I can read a post I had written, maybe only 1/2 hour previously and forget that I had even written it!

I'm not sure if it is the medication or just my brain getting old and tired...some days it just does not work as I would like it to.

I must offend lots of people by not responding to posts addressed to me! Sorry everyone!

It can be very easy to be hard on ourselves and to take other people's actions or inactions to heart. Sometimes we just need to go easy on ourselves.

Communication can be so helpful when there have been misunderstandings, even open communication with our own minds so we can work out what is real and what is unhelpful.

Cheers all from Dools

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone reading

Dools

thnaks for your every honest comment that I can relate to. My memory is so bad add that to my disorganised state, that I am lucky if I remember my name! Do not even mention passwords. !!

You are so right being easier on ourselves and more understanding of others does help and the kinder we are you ourselves the quieter our inner critic will be.

Do others agree that the kinder we are to ourselves the harder it is for our inner critic to be heard and to place doubts in our minds?

Quirky

[White_Rose]

Hello Everyone

I have not written here for a while though I drop in and read how you are all going. Thanks to all the people who post here who are so honest about their feelings and difficulties and ask for help. That's something I do not do perhaps because my inner critic tells me no one is interested in my feelings and thoughts. I know, intellectually, this is untrue simply because of the people you are. In my heart I struggle and when anything goes wrong I invariably blame myself because why should anyone else care.

Does anyone else relate to this? I find myself running away, metaphorically speaking. I do try to think about what I do well or reasonably well and it works on some occasions if I can get to that place quickly enough. Sometimes events overtake me so fast I am in the middle and struggling before I totally realise what's happening. As Mrs Dools says, my thinking does not have to be this way but I wonder how often I continue these thoughts because it feels as though I am in one of those house of mirrors we used to have at the fair. Finding a way out is so confusing because the door looks like a mirror. Looking into a mirror is scary enough, trying to go through it to get out is horrible.

At the moment my IC is telling me to delete this post unless I want everyone to be sorry for me. Well I will keep it in the thread. I do not think people are sorry for me in the "Poor you" sense. I think you have all been there at some time and are sorry I am stuck here at the moment. I think it can get worse if I am unwell which lowers my resilience to criticism and makes me too tired to argue. When we are vulnerable in this way it can be so hard to get up again.

To answer your question Quirky, yes I do believe the kinder we are to ourselves the less ammunition it gives our IC and the voice is much subdued. Wins all round. The question is how do we keep on being kind to ourselves.

Mary

[Elizabeth CP]

Mary said In my heart I struggle and when anything goes wrong I invariably blame myself because why should anyone else care. Unfortunately I can relate too well. When you are down logic seems to take a back seat. It is helpful reading posts like Mary & Quirky & all the others because it helps me feel I'm not the only one struggling.

At the moment my IC is fairly quiet but I don't think that is a good sign. I am currently feeling so exhausted, tired, overwhelmed & unable to see a way forward that the IC just blends into the background negativity. It is almost like the inner critic doesn't need to remind me of all I'm doing wrong there is so much evidence anyway. I don't have the energy to try to change at the moment.

[quirkywords]

Hello everyone

Many hanks for your comment Mary you are always most welcome as I always find your posts whether on here or elsewhere. Your words have compassion and wisdom and I learn something so tell your inner critic that!

Elizaeth I agree with you that I can relate to what Mary wrote when she said "In my heart I struggle and when anything goes wrong I invariably blame myself because why should anyone else care"

I feel everyone has far more serious problems.

How to be kinder, that is the question, I suppose we have to start not thinking the worst of ourselves and really listen to others being kind. I often reject the kind words of others as they don't really know the real me.

It does take an effort to reject familiar patterns.

Quirky