Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I just saw the link to the fauna report form in the DBCA article on Quendas. So I will send in a report. My elderly neighbour’s daughter set up a wildlife cam in her mum’s backyard in these units a while back and spotted one too and my neighbour across from me has mentioned his lawn being dug up by Quendas. Although they are a priority animal they seem to have done better than some of the other small marsupials in that they are very adaptable and manage to live in close proximity to humans reasonably well.

Well done on the tidying Paws. It sounds like you really made progress. I’m sure that feels good and it sounds like you are on your way to your New Year goals. Yes, I could try a timer/alarm to stop myself in those situations where I’m intensely persevering. I’m suddenly remembering an episode of Big Bang Theory where Amy tries to do neurological training on Sheldon to teach him that things don’t always have to be completed 😂 As a 5 year old I would build card houses that would often collapse as I put the final two cards on the top. I would then rebuild as many times as it took until the card house was complete without collapsing.

I have huge blocks to getting started on boxes that involve going through things of my parents that involve deep emotional triggers. My psychologist has even offered to help me go through a box. I think I may benefit from doing a session with her where I pull out the things that are really emotionally charged for me, so I am not alone dealing with it. It would be so meaningful and supportive to have someone to talk to in that process, and undoubtedly I’ll cry. The reality is there is no point in keeping most of those things, but it would just help to share my feelings about them with someone before they go.

My town has two charity shops that I already donated a lot to after I first arrived. Other towns nearby have them too. I also have more valuable items to sell. In the past I used to just give everything away but I really need to think about selling some things. Anything that was our parent’s I will send half what I get for it to my brother. The previous owners here left their furniture which they didn’t want. I will sell the more valuable items out of that and just keep a few basic things for myself.

Woolies is where I got a mini Christmas ham so you may find they still have some. Even though ham is really a no-no with histamine issues, I have been able to tolerate it in moderation and taking the enzyme that breaks down histamine beforehand and an antihistamine afterwards. I have improved a lot in terms of food which is the most massive relief. I truly appreciate being able to eat more things again. Apart from the ham I didn’t buy anything specifically festive. I have been buying blueberries a lot which have been on special and have more to eat today. Your mention of potato salad sounds yummy and is making me hungry. That is something that I remember from Christmases past. Pavlova is another. I’m now having flashbacks to a Christmas in my uncle and aunty’s backyard when I was about 8.

It’s still very cool here and mostly cloudy. I hope your weather has cooled or will be soon if not already. I’ve heard it’s still pretty hot in parts of Victoria today. I feel for The Grampians area with the fires. I remember briefly visiting Halls Gap and The Grampians when I was 17 and always wanted to return and spend more time there.

Well have a lovely Boxing Day Paws 🤗

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I remember that episode from the Big Bang Theory, Sheldon really wasn't a willing participant of Amy's training attempt.  I do wonder if with a willing participant & continual support it would be possible to change someone in real life.  For you to remember having that need to keep going until you finish from such a young age, it clearly has a lot to do with how your brain is wired.  I wonder if it is possible for you to re-wire your brain or at least learn coping strategies to lessen it's impact.

I think having your psychologist's support as you go through the boxes containing things from your parents sounds wise.  It could be something you do over a few sessions & perhaps as you get further through them by yourself just before a session.  Remember lass that the helplines are also there for you to call if you find yourself struggling with what going through them brings up.  Of course you also have here.

Yes it did feel good making progress yesterday.  Nothing done today, but with the phone & internet down all day until 6pm I was stressed by not having access to the emergency notifications.  It was smoky here today, but thankfully it wasn't windy & it started clouding over mid afternoon which kept the temp down to the low 30s. The fire to the south of me is still under control & there were no new fires near to here.  The wind is now picking up as the cool front starts going through, no rain yet.  The Grampians fire is awful & brings up too many memories of other bad fire seasons.

I don't feel like cooking today so I'm thinking Salada crackers with cheese & other toppings for dinner.

I hope you had a relaxing Boxing Day.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, Sheldon was very resistant to and dismissive of Amy trying to help him with his “closure’” issues. I think I can probably make changes as I’ve already been doing that with other parts of myself. I think the perseverance behaviour is deep in my nervous system and may be tied to my traumatic birth, having to strive to survive and then striving for human contact after that but no one was there. I went straight to a humidicrib and then later home with a mum who couldn’t bond with me. So I just sort of stayed in that striving state, feeling like I constantly have to make effort, with no respite or soothing. It is really the story of how my life has played out.

Gosh, that’s no good having the phone and internet out again, especially when there are some concerns with fire activity. It probably didn’t help with it being smoky either while not having access to the emergency notifications. I’m glad you have the cool change though. I do hope some rain comes through. It would be great if some rain went through and subdued the Grampians fires.

I’m struggling a lot with major daytime sleepiness and slept for hours this afternoon. That is becoming usual for me now, even when I’ve slept well at night. I’ve also really noticed how low I’ve sunk into depression after just a few days being back here. Emotional issues relating to my brother have really affected me since contact with him yesterday too. I was so well in the city and I wasn’t depressed. I realise that here I go days alone without meaningful human contact. I’ve really learned that I’m someone who profoundly needs human connection. While I’m also someone who very much needs and values my own space, I don’t do well when isolated and need regular human contact. I can feel the sense of wanting to find a partner again too. It feels like that is a hard thing to do living here though. Something in me is wanting to reach out and connect more and more which I think actually is a good sign. Something has shifted for me to feel that way, but I’m also battling the fatigue and exhaustion which feels so much worse here than when I’m away. 

Crackers with cheese and other toppings sounds like a good dinner to me. I’m all for simple dinners. If you get some of that nice Christmas ham that will go well on crackers. I made a ham, cucumber and capsicum sandwich for lunch today. I feel shattered with exhaustion again now and I still have my dishes to do. I think I have to force myself as I don’t want to see them there in the morning. I’ll see if I can find a good podcast to keep me going while doing them.

 I switched the TV on earlier and there was a program on SBS by Ardal O’Hanlon, an Irish actor I like. You might know him as Dougal from Father Ted, Thermoman from My Hero or one of the detectives from Death in Paradise. He’s a really likeable person and the program was on islands of Ireland. I missed the start but really enjoyed it, seeing the scenery, wildlife and ways of life of people on the islands. It’s continuing next week and is called the Emerald Isles with Ardal O’Hanlon.

Well off to my dishes - sigh. I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow with some cooling weather and hopefully some rain 🤞Sleep well 😴

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Well another day with no phone or internet from when I got up until 6:30pm.  With both yesterday & today nothing from Telstra to say there is a problem.  I'm wondering if the influx of tourists to the area during the daytime is overwhelming the capacity of the only Telstra tower that I can get a signal through.  If it keeps up I will be complaining.

Yay me... I can now see my kitchen benchtops instead of the clutter that was hiding them.  Though I kept up with my dishes over the past few months, I had let junk accumulate on the benchtops & get completely away from me, instead of putting it where it belonged.  It is motivating seeing progress.

Depression is tiring, so I'm not surprised to hear you are needing to sleep more as your mood worsens.  It sounds like your sleeping pattern is echoing what mine has been like these past few months.  Humans are on the whole social creatures, so I think you are right that your developing a strong urge to be with people is a step in the right direction for you.  You always sound so much brighter when on your visits with your friend & even with fluffy cat.   

Oh lass I wish I had something helpful so say in support of you struggling after the contact with your brother.  Know I am sitting with you in spirit, having a cuppa & keeping you company.

I hope your energy levels let you get out in nature so you can recharge & refresh your spirit.

Big gentle 🐻 hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I think it would be very legitimate to query Telstra regarding yet another day without internet and phone. It can feel vulnerable not having contact with the outside world. On your next visit to big town you could ask about it at the Telstra shop. Though they may not know as I remember when I was with Telstra that the different sections don’t necessarily know what the other is doing. What they may do at the shop is give you a phone there and dial the right section and allow you to converse with that section in the store. At least that way you may get some answers, or otherwise you can try calling them from home ( if the phone is working).

That’s fantastic you are seeing your kitchen bench tops! It’s great when you can see progress. I find flat surfaces such as my dining table quickly get filled with objects. I only cleared mine a couple of weeks ago and it’s filled up again 🙈

The depression has really set in for me so I made myself go to my equivalent of big town today to try to snap out of it. I treated myself to lunch at a cafe and had to laugh internally when “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now” by The Smiths was playing in there. Seeing a little girl set her fluffy toy kangaroo with joey next to her while eating was very cute, I expect a Christmas present. After saying to someone on another thread I’d overcome my op shop addiction, I found myself going into one 🙈 This was a further attempt to cheer myself up and I did find two nice tops that I bought. The lady at the counter gave me a discount which I didn’t ask for. Maybe I looked depressed though I was feeling better I thought at this point. I said thank you so much to her and left feeling better.

But it was the end of my visit to the supermarket where I just sunk right down again. I was sure I was buying a regular green cucumber when the checkout machine told me it was a Lebanese cucumber. It locked and I couldn’t proceed. I asked the assistant who told me it is a Lebanese cucumber. I said I’m sure that’s not what the sign said and it really looked like a regular cucumber, but maybe he was right. So it went through  as a Lebanese cucumber. It’s so ridiculous, but that was enough to tip me back into depression and I’m realising my hormones have just plummeted again. It’s like you become totally non-rational. In the last couple of days I’ve just felt like I’m going to collapse on the ground and sob uncontrollably. It’s ridiculous. Even though there are triggers, and the situation with my brother was a more major one, the depression is so severe. I only hope that when I’m finally in menopause this rollercoaster will stop. I’ve talked on an app to other women going through this and they describe similar uncontrollable emotions and feel like they’re going crazy. The hormone medication really helped but caused severe histamine issues. I may be able to reintroduce one of the hormones which counters rather than increases histamine levels but the hormone specialist didn’t provide the prescription as she advised she would, so I’d have to chase it up. I’m so exhausted from trying to solve these things. I can understand why some women just stop leaving the house when going through this and kind of shut themselves away.

But what I do know is I love people and do need human contact much more often than I get in this town. The neighbouring town is much better because it’s bigger and I feel more part of humanity. Even though I feel like a liability at the moment, I think it may be good for me to get out of my town every second day and boost my collapsed hormones and neurochemicals any way I can. Thank you so much for your kind support and being with me in spirit Paws.

I do hope all is well with your phone and internet tomorrow. I wonder if it is related to the weather, the demand or something relating to resources with the fires going on. I have no idea what could be affecting what exactly. I do think these things are a bit more inconsistent in regional areas. For example, occasionally on Telehealth with my psych the connection drops out at my end and she has to call me again or vice versa. I’m pretty sure it’s my end that’s usually the issue.

Well trying to decide whether to go to my favourite ocean spot for sunset. I’ll probably sob there 😢🤣 I’m trying to see the funny side of it. That is an improvement on a few months ago when the funny side was impossible. Wishing you a lovely, peaceful evening Paws and well done again on the tidying progress! You are inspiring me to get stuck into it here.

Big hugs to you too 🤗

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

Oh lass you do sound so terribly low.  Beasty (depression) has certainly got it's claws in you, which is why little things like the cucumber can leave you sliding even further down.  Feeling like you might fall to the ground & sob isn't ridiculous, it is a genuine response to being depressed & it is ok to let yourself have a good cry.  

Hang onto those helpful thoughts you are having despite beasty.  Getting yourself out & being around other people is a great idea.  Doing little things can feel just as impossible as big things when we're down, so clearing things off your table, even if it is only one or two items as a start, is a step in the positive direction. 

Just as sharing our struggles with people who understand can be helpful, so can being able to say "i did this". Any achievement, however small is important.  My clearing the kitchen bench top wouldn't seem worth mentioning to a lot of people, but as I've been struggling, for me it is a big thing & I feel safe mentioning it here as I know people will get it.  

My phone & internet were down again today.  I'm accustomed to them dropping out regularly & having limited bandwidth, but not having either for such long periods is a bit much.  I will try to go to the Telstra shop next week.  No clearing done so far today, but I dis do a load of washing, so something at least.

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

Yes, I totally get the challenge of something like clearing a bench top. It can be hard to convey certain daily struggles to those not dealing with depression and fatigue. I am shattered tonight and something definitely isn’t right. The depression was extreme this morning and I resolved to call Lifeline. But then, as is routinely happening now, I just fell asleep for hours. I brought in my washing after waking up and then went for a walk. But the walk was really too much and then the effort to make dinner was extremely difficult after that. All I want to do now is go straight back to sleep but I don’t want to leave my dishes otherwise that will get on top of me tomorrow.

The more I’m learning, everything I’m dealing with is connected - the mast cell activation syndrome, hormonal issues and the pathophysiology of the liver disease. I’m just not getting adequate medical help and so I think a return to the naturopath is the only option. When I first arrived here in 2022 within a few weeks I could barely lift my body. I would often have to go back to bed at 9am, sleep solidly until 6pm, drag myself up to make dinner and then collapse in bed again. It was the microbiome testing and supplementation from the naturopath that turned this around and also balanced my liver readings. I had to stop all my supplements in October because of the histamine intolerance but I think I can restart some of them and actually keep them down. I think the microbiome is a key component in everything that’s happening. There are major issues with what hormone receptors are doing in the liver, the interaction of hormone receptors and mast cells, and the microbiome. I’m piecing it together myself through research and it’s making sense of lifelong health issues I’ve had.

Thank you for your support and encouragement. I know you’ve had similar challenges with your body just going down. It’s hard to know what to do when depression gets really, really bad isn’t it. I was a different person just a few days ago in the city. Clearly positive social contact helps me a lot. But I think I’m reacting to things in my home plus my hormones crashed again. I’m determined to beat beasty!

That really isn’t good about the phone and internet. If there’s an ongoing issue you’d think they would at least notify you. I have occasionally had a message from my provider when they’ve been doing work on the local phone towers, indicating there might be some downtime. But it’s not really good you have no info about what’s happening. I’m wondering if they are stretched because of the fire issues in Victoria?

It’s nice you got your washing done today. I was glad to get mine done too. I think we should be proud of every achievement we make!

I’m going to make a coffee now. It might give me the strength to do my dishes and certainly won’t keep me awake. May you have a good day tomorrow Paws (or today already where you are!).

Sending gentle hugs,

ER