I don't know whether to get any sort of immediate or professional support.

[Yellow-Thorn78]

Yesterday, a person who I trauma dumped on told me to seek out professional support.

They recommended me direct websites to where I can talk about the issues I've had in high school; for the more erratic thoughts that I've taken on during the COVID lockdowns with my grandpa passing away from heart issues, people speaking towards me in condescending or dismissive ways and a girl who pretended to make sexual advances over the phone despite me saying before then revealing that it was all a joke. The only issue I've had is that this has all happened to me four years ago. While I would like to talk about it directly, I don't yet possess adequate social skills, emotional intelligence nor life experience to talk about it in a way that can feel productive towards me. I did so once, but my parents didn't like how negative my mindset was from doing it. I've also been changing slowly; having wanted to take on jobs at home, work and university that to a great extent have supported me to have a greater emotional depth. I've returned to running/soccer, and I've slowly been embracing new activities like going to art galleries. 

The issues I need to work on that I came to in the end after I began to calm down after trauma dumping is that while I need to be more conscientious about how I say what's the problem, learn how to hear myself and others more, be honest and speak out the moment someone hurts; the greater feeling that keeps eating me inside is that I don't feel seen by others or I am not wanted by others unless it is beneficial for them. That even though people can and should high road me if I become too aggressive or toxic; it's the thought that no one wants to "call a spade a spade" and be more brutally honest towards themselves and the people around them that make them feel phony. It's sort of like Holden Caufield when he calls others "phonies"; though this time I've seen and heard more people directly lie and mistreat others. For me to believe that I can be healthier is to hold stop trying to be a good person and holding others to same idyllic version of themselves and instead find my center or middle ground, be more consistent and build myself up from. That happened less the last time I saw a professional.