Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

I was told the biopsy results will take about a week, but I suspect slightly longer given Christmas. I’m quite confident the results will be benign. I think the doctor who ordered it did so out of precaution. I think they often prefer to rule something out completely.

Apparently ravens and crows from around the world can sometimes have white feathers due to what is called leucism - a lack of melanin in part of the plumage. This is the second time I’ve seen it and it was just a few feathers. They truly are intelligent and amazing birds. I know in many cultures they are viewed as a trickster archetype because of their clever mischief. Croix, that’s so interesting about the Tower of London ravens. Paws, with your love of ravens I imagine you might enjoy the Beafeater’s job of looking after them. I think I would like a job where I get to form a relationship with birds or other animals like that.

Croix, that’s an amazing experience to have seen the snow white hawk. It does indeed seem like a sign. I have had quite a few experiences where a creature of some kind has felt like a loved one who’s passed or a messenger. It’s a special experience.

Paws, it was lovely you visited your neighbour and gave her company when her memory was in decline. It sounds like she remained quite positive, enjoying visitors. My elderly friend seems to drift in and out of lucidity, sometimes becoming confused but later being sharp as a tack again. I was struck by the humour among the residents and how they manage their day with a sense of fun and mischief. It seems to be a good place as far as nursing homes go. I was told one lady there is 102!

Thank you, I really do feel positive. Croix, that’s very much the case that I can feel my psyche repairing. At the moment everything seems in flow. If I think of something I need and walk into a shop I find it right away, such as a nice card for a relative I’m visiting tomorrow or some props I wanted to find for some still life photography ideas. It’s like I have the thought and there it is. I feel like by forming clear boundaries and prioritising myself for a change, everything now just seems to work and be in a flow state.

Paws, I’m glad you aren’t right near the current big fires and that the one that’s been burning a few weeks is under control. Both Sunday and Monday here are forecast to be 41 now. It’s often on these very hot days that fires spring up. I’m leaving on Monday and thinking about stopping somewhere half way again. I’ll be on the lookout for any fire activity in such hot weather.

Paws, I hope you’re feeling better now after your couple of rough days. I hope the weather cools off a bit too. I hope you are both having a peaceful evening.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER & Croix,

Croix the ravens at the tower were one of the reasons it was on my must revisit list on all of my trips to the UK.  They were hard to spot as roamed freely. The history of why they were there was interesting, but I was more interested in how they were cared for & how that had changed over time, even between my first & last visit.

How wonderful to have had a white hawk appear & greet Mrs Croix when she arrived at her new home, it definitely was a lovely sign of welcome for her.

ER I wish I could say my old neighbour stayed positive throughout her decline, but unfortunately as it is with this disease over the years her lucidity decreased & her mood changes & confusion increased & became increasingly erratic.  Thankfully she remained a gentle soul as had been her nature for all the many years I knew her, I know of others whose personality changed completely.  

I'm glad you are spending a few days in town rather than rushing back, though I wish the weather was going to be nicer & more suited for you to be out in.

It's a complete change of pace weather wise here today, it is in the teens right now with a strong cool southerly.  The only days forecast to be hot over the coming week are Xmas day & Boxing day the rest hopefully will stay in the teens or low 20s.

After tossing all Thursday night without much sleep I decided to lay down for a nap at about 3pm yesterday & woke at 4am this morning.  I then managed to sleep until 10am.  I think between four & ten I must not have moved as I've gotten up to a stiff neck.  

Thankyou I have been feeling brighter as this past week has gone.  I dreamt about some old unresolved issues with my late sister on Wednesday night & was able to find some closure with them over Thursday (a big part of my tossing rather than sleeping Thursday night).  

ER I hope you manage to get out & about before the heat of the day kicks in during your stay.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws and Croix,

I’m glad you had that feeling of finding some closure in relation issues relating to your sister. I’ve often found there is a period of tumultuousness just before a new stage of acceptance, resolution or growth. It’s like our psyche is trying to sort it out and gets more frenetic just before things settle and a new balance is achieved. I hope you feel a bit better for the closure and more at peace.

The weather in Victoria certainly has big extremes at the moment. I was reading about the possibility of snow on the alps followed by fire risk conditions, with basically cold and hot fronts coming through. I’m enjoying the cool of the morning at the moment here before it heats up. I just made a cooked breakfast and I’m now drinking coffee while looking out to beautiful trees. The place I’m staying is absolutely lovely. It’s a detached room/unit next to the house of a really lovely family. As it’s surrounded by trees and I have the windows open all night it’s like sleeping in and waking up to a forest.

Paws, I feel for the decline of your friend and I do have concerns for my elderly friend in care as I have seen the confusion developing in her at times. Overall she seems happy but I think when lucidity goes and everything becomes confusing for them it can be distressing for both the person themselves and those around them. But I think if they have people with a steady, calming presence around them it helps. That core feeling of being loved and safe is the most important thing. I’m sure you were a wonderful support to your friend. 

Yesterday I spent time with my friend and her little girl and mother and also a bit of time with fluffy cat. It was lovely to see them. The day before I caught up with an aunty which was also lovely. She is not a blood relative but is the former wife of one of my dad’s brothers. She is so understanding towards me and I cannot even begin to put a value on that, just to be seen by another person. She realises I’m very much on my own and genuinely cares and I’m getting a bit tearful even writing this. She’s elderly now and in a retirement village where she will move to the nursing home section once her capacity to stay in her unit is no longer there. She gave me two warm hugs and said she loved me. My mum just could not express in those kinds of ways and instead looked to me to comfort her, so have someone express those things to me means so much.

Weirdly I’m almost enjoying the heat here. Perth heat is generally dry heat. It’s kind of reminding me of summer as an experience as these conditions don’t really happen on my town. For example, it’s 41 here today while it’s 25 in my town. I’m having memories come back from childhood of Perth summers. While up here I have driven through several suburbs I used to live in and really enjoyed the reminiscences of times past. I was driving through one of them at nightfall on Friday when I saw Santa on a bicycle 😂 He waved to me and I waved back.

Well I hope it’s a lovely day for you Paws and you too Croix.

Big hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

It sounds like you are having a lovely time in Perth.  I'm delighted you got loving hugs from your aunty & were able to hug her back.  Hugs like that are worth more than gold & I'm sure just what you needed right now.  Is your friends daughter old enough to be excited by Santa & xmas?  I can remember when my nieces & nephews were little how wonderful it was seeing xmas through their eyes.  

Where you are staying sounds beautiful.  I think I can understand you not minding the heat as much as you expected.  I find dry heat is so much more bearable than heat with even the slightest humidity. Though temps around 40 are way to high for me.   I must admit that my first thought about the Santa on the bicycle was "how hot would he be?" given the temperatures there, but I do think it a fun thing for someone to do, as it must have made a lot of people smile.

I brought my wildlife camera in & loaded the card into my computer.  477 photos over the 2 weeks, of which (not counting the ones with me refilling the bird bath) 39 had animals in them & of those 39, only 14 were of birds using the birdbath, the other 25 were of the neighbours cows & the feral cat from the forest.  My birdbath is set in a corner of my garden which I leave wild, near a small tree & with two self seeded reed plants beside the bath in a patch of native grasses I don't mow.  From the sequences of the pictures it seems whenever it got windy & the plants moved, the camera started taking pictures.  I'm glad I did this first test at the birdbath, it was a good way for me to get an initial idea of what is what with using it.  The wrens were little more than blobs, but the bigger birds were fine, the night photos of the cows weren't very clear & the time of day affected the quality with part light & shade conflicts.  I'm going to have to give some thought as to what location to try next.  

I hope you managed to get out & spend time in nature for your last day there.  Do be careful on your drive home, be aware there will be many more idiots on the roads, as the holiday madness overtakes people, especially those towing caravans without a clue how to do it safely.  

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

My friend’s little girl is about 20 months so probably not fully grasping Santa yet. But she had her photo with Santa today at the shopping centre. My friend told me she was quiet and shy with her hand in her mouth the whole time 🥰 I imagine it could be a little overwhelming.

Yes, I thought the same thing about the Santa on the bicycle though it was not nearly as hot then as it is tonight. My phone refused to charge earlier today because it said it was too hot. I spent some time in a shopping centre in the middle of the day and it was stifling when I came out. The max was 41.2 but it’s still 34.8 now at almost 8:30pm.

It’s good you’ve done the test run with the wildlife cam. It sounds like it was a good place to start and you’ll be able to experiment with different spots. You’ll be able to iron out any issues as you go along. I do hope you might see some interesting night marsupials. At sunset this evening I was at a coastal location and I was happy to see a Nankeen Night Heron, one of my favourite birds. They are great characters.

I haven’t been outside much today because it was just way too hot. I’ll probably head off fairly early in the morning as it’s another very hot day tomorrow. I think I might drive all the way home in a day and save myself the cost of stopping somewhere, unless I get super tired quickly. Yes, I’ll definitely take care on the roads. If I go early I may miss some of the busyness of people heading south.

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I hope your trip home wasn't too tiring & that home is a lot cooler than Perth.  You have mentioned the Nankeen Night Heron before, I'm glad you got to see one on this trip. 

I've been up all night after sleeping until late yesterday.  I wish I could say I used the time well, but I can't.  I will shortly be popping down to the general store to grab some milk as what I have won't last them being closed for the next two days.  I'm hoping that will give me the oomph to do something useful rather than just thinking about doing stuff, which is what I've done all night.  I think part of the problem is that along with this attempt of mine to declutter, I'm also trying to reorganise my space to make things easier to find & access.  So I've been pulling things out & sorting into piles of keep, donate throw, without getting one room finished so I can put the keep things away, which means my place is looking messier than ever, it is disheartening.  I also need to stop changing my mind about where I think things would best go.  Sorry about me being such a sooky la la, but I'm hoping saying it to someone else will help.

It is lovely here this morning.  I've had bands of that wonderful soft, misty rain coming over since before dawn.  It does give the world a magical feel with the early morning light just a soft glow.  I saw on the news that NSW & Tassie got a sprinkling of snow, it is cool here, but nowhere near that cool.  It is so quiet though, I've not heard or seen the usual early morning bird activity.  

I'm not looking forward to the next few days.  My area will go to high fire danger tomorrow, then severe fire danger for the two days after that.  I think I've mentioned before that not having Woofa has meant that I've been slack & not done my usual emergency preparedness, so I don't have anything ready to grab if I need to evacuate.  I've normally got things prepared well before this late in the month, as I would rather spend the time & effort getting ready & then not need it, than the reverse.  Perhaps if I think of it as my xmas gift to me I might get it done today.

Wishing you a lovely Xmas day,

Hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws,

I so understand about trying to sort stuff. Yes, things get messier initially and it really can feel disheartening when stuff is scattered everywhere. It can also create that paralysing feeling where you think about it but it is hard to act. I know very well what you mean! I think knowing that it will ultimately feel better once sorted can help and also just focussing on one small area. If you can see the difference you have made with one activity it can gradually start to feel all more achievable.

I’ve realised how much I need to embark on a similar process. Returning from Perth where I was so content with my single suitcase to all the stuff in my home, I realise I really don’t need most of it. But I’m also realising without a doubt now my home is making me sick. I was well while away with no coughing, post nasal drip etc. But from this morning those symptoms are back with a vengeance. There is undoubtedly a problem in my home with dampness, I expect a great deal of it hidden and very difficult and expensive to remediate. I’m sure I’ve developed mast cell activation syndrome which is known to create these reactions to dampness along with the reactions to food I’ve had. Even if I can remediate the issues in my home as best as possible, I feel the problem isn’t going to totally go away.

So I think I’m going to be doing the same as you Paws, sorting through stuff and getting rid of a lot of it. I think I’m going to be forced to try and fast track the process for the sake of my health and moving on from here in my case. There are pluses to being here, such as it is so much cooler than Perth. But I really do feel isolated here too.

This morning I’ve been able to confirm that the little furry being I saw before leaving is indeed a quenda (bandicoot). I think it’s a baby and that’s why I wondered if it was a rat before I left. But it came right up to my screen door today and was sniffing at it and I think would have come in if it was open. It is definitely the longer nose of a bandicoot and has the hoppy gait of a bandicoot. It looks like it’s grown already since I last saw it and the longer snout is more pronounced. It’s been delightfully discovering many things to eat in my garden and is just a few metres from me now in the garden bed. I’m sitting outside to get some respite from my home and my respiratory system is happier out here.

Take care in the next few days Paws and I hope all stays ok regarding any fire activity. I understand what you are saying in relation to Woofa. It’s like when we feel responsible to another we feel able to do the protective measures such as fire preparedness, but don’t necessarily feel able to make the same effort for ourselves. I know it can feel hard to do, but maybe think of yourself as another Woofa, a being you want to protect and keep safe. I am starting for the first time in my life to value myself after only being able to value others before. It really does open up a new world of possibility and capacity within yourself to do things. Anyway, I think you are profoundly worth the effort and care Paws and I want you to be ok 🤗

Wishing you a lovely Christmas tomorrow too!

Hugs,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

How gorgeous is having a baby bandicoot in your yard & it staying there even though you are outside too.  You must have a well balanced garden if there is food for the local wildlife without you putting out human food for them.  

It does sound a certainty that it is your home making you ill if you had no symptoms while away & yet they kick right back in as soon as you are home again.  As you have already been thinking about moving due to your feelings of disconnection & loneliness, if I was in your boots I would forget about trying to fix your home & instead focus on moving to somewhere better suited to your needs.  

It did sound like you found some places in Perth that were near to wetlands & other wildlife areas.  The heat is an issue, but todays air cons are cheaper to run than the older versions, plus if it has a small garden you could plant a small tree or shrub to shade your house in summer.  The thing to remember is that wherever you choose, you don't have to stay there forever if it doesn't work out.  

I do understand what you mean about realising you have things you don't need or use.  I got rid of so much stuff before moving here, yet I still have too much. 

Yes you are right focussing on one area at a time & getting it finished would be the sensible & rewarding way to get my house in order.  Unfortunately I have the same trait that my dad & one of my brothers had, where I get 80 to 90% of the way through something & move onto something else.  Like they did I have so many things almost, but not quite finished.  I have no idea why I find that final bit so hard to do.  

Well I mustn't have been good this year as Santa didn't grant my xmas wish, which was for me to wake up xmas morning & find everything that needed doing inside & out all done & dusted.  Hmmm maybe I will have to try harder next year. 🤣🤣

Biggest of hugs & a big thank you for your support 

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Good morning and Merry Christmas Paws!

I’ve just been watching the baby bandicoot again this morning. If you look up “quenda” you will see the specific kind of bandicoot. It’s made numerous holes in my lawn now with its nose 😂 My fastidious lawnmower man won’t be impressed. I was just reading how quendas and other small marsupials are very important in reducing fires as they reduce fuel loads with all their churning through the dirt. They also really help the native trees by spreading fungi spores that help those trees. They seem to easily get used to people and I know people in Perth who live near bushland also have them in their garden. I was by a lake in Perth once and one came right up to me, snuffled about and sniffed my backpack.

I feel I do need to do repairs on my home to the things that have broken since I moved here. The garden definitely needs to be improved. I also want to sort through remaining boxes rather than lug them to the next location which I know will be smaller. I was listening yesterday to a podcast on mast cell activation syndrome. The doctor on it talked about the developing or worsening of it during perimenopause and especially with the use of hormone therapy. This is exactly what happened to me. Most doctors know nothing about this so it’s been so isolating working out what to do about it. I could probably tolerate staying here if I could get the mast cell issue under control. I read of a woman who remediated the mould issues in her flat but her mast cell activation syndrome persisted. It was then actually work on healing her nervous system that finally about 90% healed her. But I do feel I need to move on from here I think even if I do manage to heal the mast cell reactivity. Both certain foods and moulds are known significant triggers, as are hormonal changes and stress.

I think that may be quite a common phenomenon of starting something and not quite finishing it. I had a housemate who was very much like that. It is interesting your dad and brother were the same. I do feel like these patterns often run in families. I have chronic difficulty getting started on something but once I do I tend to persevere to a high level and have a hard time making myself stop. So I tend to push myself quite hard and I think that’s why I procrastinate getting started, because I’ll know I’ll have difficulty stopping and wear myself out. I have very high perseverance levels but conversely a lot of inertia as well. I think this is also partly the seesawing between hyperfocus and scatteredness in adhd. Quite literally it is how my brain chemicals behave, kind of all or nothing.

Well I hope you have a relaxing day Paws. Darn, Santa not sorting everything so it’s all done and dusted 🤣 Well don’t worry about that sorting today unless you want to do it. Enjoy the day in whatever ways you like. It’s another cool, cloudy day here today. I munched on some Christmas ham already today for breakfast, and yesterday too 😋

Festive hugs to you and thank you for all your support too,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello ER,

I did google the Quenda, they are cute.  I saw on the WA Dept. of biodiversity site that Quenda are a priority animal & they ask that people who have one in their garden fill out a fauna report form online.  

Well I managed to do a couple of hours of decluttering & sorting yesterday of all the stuff that had accumulated in my dining room.  Everything that shouldn't be there has been taken out & either thrown away, added to the donate pile or sorted into piles in my lounge by what room they need to go to.  I'm not going to put the piles away yet as I'm determined to finish the dining room before getting side tracked in another room.  So I just need to deep clean the dining room & empty the junk drawers on the buffet & it will be done.  My aim now is to have it & the kitchen done by New Year.

As difficult as it is being someone like me who struggles to finish tasks, I would think it must be so much more difficult to be like you & have no brakes enabling you to pace yourself.  No wonder you procrastinate starting.  One suggestion on the decluttering page I've been following is for people who need to pace themselves to select a time limit & have a timer/alarm clock set to let you know when to stop.  Probably not something that would work for everybody, but perhaps worth a try.

Going through your boxes etc & clearing them out before you move is a great idea.  Does your town have charity shops you can donate to, or do you need to go to neighbouring towns?  The nearest charity shops to me are in big town.

The more you talk about the health issues you are dealing with, the more I concur that it would be best for you  to move away.  Yes the mould & damp would be major contributing factors, but you are right that the emotional stresses of feeling isolated & lonely must also play a big part in your poor health there.  

I didn't buy any Christmas foods to treat myself with this year as I didn't go into big town.  I have to go to the chemist there in the next few days, so I will nip into Woolies & grab some ham or pork (or both), some potatoes to make potato salad & some macadamia nuts.  I do miss the Big Sister Plum Puddings they no longer sell.  Are there any foods you only treat yourself to at this time of year?

I hope it stays cool enough for you to be happily outdoors.

Hugs

Paws