Someone who wants enjoy life again - Anxiety and depression

[mddx]

Hi all,

Not sure who to start to this, but here it goes

I am a working professional with higher degree education and currently working 8-5 job. I have been avoiding the signs of depression and anxiety for years. Last year after a break up from a long relationship, I have decided to focus on the issue at hand as I realized that I am full of negativity, anger, and sadness all the time. It ended up me being home all the time apart from work and necessities. My random day offs have started to raise and my performance at work also got affected.

My family (consists of my Mother) has no idea as she lives overseas (back in my home country) by herself and last thing I'd want is to worry her. Considering I am the only child and has to support my family (therefore, career break is not an option), it also pressures me a lot because I can't help myself but think the worst case scenario of losing my job because of one reason or another. Another effect of it is that I cannot talk to my family about my condition.

A while back, I have started seeing a psychologist and started to take medication as advised by GP. Unfortunately, first 3 meds either had side effects or did not work well for me. During a financially tight period, I have stopped going to the psychologist and the GP with the total disappointment of not being able to show any permanent signs of improvement. Due to physical injuries and a desk job, I have gained weight, lost my hair due to bad genetics and constant state of stress, and eventually I have lost my confidence in myself

After 9 months of trying, currently I am on no med nor seeing a psychologist. I still catch the glimpses of joy time to time like a feeling you cannot hold onto, but it is no secret that I have forgotten to smile and enjoy life. As most of you, I feel like I am not the hero of my own story but watch others while I feel like I do not belong and have nothing to say to anyone.

My hope is to get back my mental health to live a peaceful life.

[smallwolf]

mddx,

Hello and welcome to beyond blue.

It sounds from your post that you are isolated now, compounded by depression and anxiety. I know that medication can be a bit hit and miss. I had to change medications because of associated side-effects with one medication. Because I am just another user like you, I am hesitant to tell you what you should do. So I hope you wont mind if I ask a few questions...

In the time that you were seeing a psychologist, were you give any or many tip and tricks for managing anxiety and depression? For example, information on grounding exercises, or mindfulness.

You also said that you stopped going to a psychologist during a financially tight period. Is that still the case now? And while you were seeing the psychologist under an mental health plan?

I can understand you not wanting to tell your Mum about what you are going through. But the funny thing is when I saw my GP about anxiety and depression one of the things she asked was whether there was any history of mental illness in the family.. And the only way I was actually able to answer that question was by talking to my own parents. Yes they will worry, but you are also in control of what they know or how much they know. There are certain things that I will tell my psych but not family.

I would assume that you are also looking for tips and tricks to help get through those moments in time when stresses rear their ugly head?

And how did you feel after writing the post?

There are some positives to take from your post also... there was a time you recognised you needed help and looked out for it. There are some people I know that deny they have any problem. But the thing I hope you get from this post, is that you are not alone in the journey. I hope that you will find the people here helpful, and I know they will support you at this time.

Maybe, just maybe, you could look at out post this way... the start of a new journey. A journey in restoring your mental health, and to live a peaceful life? Can I be a companion on this journey?

Tim

PS. Please dont feel pressured to answer any or all questions. It is just my way of opening up a discussion.

PPS. If I might ask also.. where are you from? And how long have you been here? These are only off topic questions. Things I might ask if we were talking face to face.

[blondguy]

Hello Mddx

Thankyou for being a part of Beyond Blue and posting with us !

I understand where you are coming from as my anxiety started in 1983 when I was 23 and I generally ignored it and only had superficial counseling every six months.....which never really worked......until my anxiety exacerbated

This is a awful place to be in for sure. I have been in a senior corporate role for years and never understood that that the more frequent the counseling the better our well being

The financials are always a pain Mddx...I understand. May I ask you about the frequency of your counseling as it took me 2 decades of denial to realize that I required weekly/fortnightly or monthly to heal effectively

Do you have a small support network (a friend or two) that you can have a vent to?

I really hope you can post back when convenient Mddx. The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post.

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[mddx]

Hi Blondguy,

Thanks for your reply,

It was weekly when I started and reduced to fortnightly. However, I do agree that I prefer to go the counselling every week as I believe that what works for me. Otherwise, it is so easy to slip back depression mentality and life style.

Well, I only have friends in Aus, but not family. I can sure vent on occasions, but I am known to overthink things (such as being overly considered which actually puts unnecessary stress onto me) and hate to be a bother to others with my own problems.

[mddx]

Hi Smallwolf,

I actually have moved into a new apartment with my friends who exercise, have a positive outlook on life. I actually started feel better with their vibe and attitudes towards life. Feeling less isolated lately, but I cannot deny that social interactions day after day with this pace (which I am not used to) tires me out quickly but I can see my social stamina is getting better. I would assume it is just like exercise or asking a girl out, it gets easier and more comfortable the longer or more you do it. 🙂

I am Turkish, and came to Sydney about 10 years ago by myself while knowing no one in Sydney with very little English speaking capabilities. Spent about 4 years for learning English and completing my Masters while working full time in a take away store with (7pm-7am shifts), after that years passed by trying to get a job then, building a career and so on.

I also do not mind the questions as it is hard for anybody to advise anything without knowing a little bit of the other person's life.

I was advised to focus on my eating and sleeping habits to begin with, and those accompanied by exercise no matter how little it is. My issues with these always have been the motivation to do so. One day, I feel so energized and ready to start a new chapter and the rest of the week or 2 weeks I just do not feel worthy for some reason.

My financials is still same right now, but they were actually ok without these medical expenses as when I spent money I was not considering this at all.

Regarding family situation, it is a little more complicated for me. My parents are divorced (happened abou 5-6 years ago, I was told later on what happened) and I am not in contact with my father. Therefore, my mom lives alone and treat me like her only reason to live (talk about pressure). She has several health issues including but not limited to blood pressure, a heart condition which is not serious at the moment, 2 different bone diseases. You can imagine that her mood and mental health also plays tremendous role on how she feels every single day. I am 31 years old, and she still would not sleep till I come when she was visiting me here for a while.

[mddx]

Continues below

Not exactly, sure what I am looking for here. Maybe seeing that I am not alone would give me strength, or just to talk to people who'd understand when I feel so down. My friends are cool and nice, but I am sure we all know that they most of the time cannot comprehend why i cannot do certain things that comes simple to them, or why would I wanna spend the weekend at home most of the time, and to be honest some of them dont even believe I have depression and anxiety issues as I do not like to show weakness to others. Most of the time, I feel the heaviness or tiredness of putting my mask on for too long.

I might add this though, as I mentioned since I have moved into the new place, I am feeling better and have started to make changes in my life such as currently trying a out new diet and hopping would help with my mood and bad eating habits.

[blondguy]

Hi Maddx

Thankyou so much for posting back and being a part of the forum family too 🙂

Its really good that you are feeling a bit better and good on you. Its nice that you have some cool friends too. When you had the anxiety feelings how severe were they? (if its okay to ask of course)

You are a very proactive and intelligent person Maddx. Your mum should be so very proud of you!

I hope you can stick around the forums and let us know how you are going 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[mddx]

Hi Paul,

Things have been very and up and down. It was my birthday last Friday and I kinda spent it alone with a drink and a smoke. Was not really pleasant time. I guess, no matter how depressed I am, I still expect good things to happen on a special day like this and they simply don't.

Not feeling great, but not feeling terrible either. The thing is that these mood swings are extremely tiring and especially for someone like me who values consistency. Well, I used to value because it became quite tiring. I feel like there is a bomb in my chest ready to go off at anytime.

the answer to your question is when my anxiety is severe, I mostly do not even get out of bed, do not pick up phone calls, nor do I reply messages. If people or friends pushes me to talk or do something hard, I get quite aggressive. I naturally have a sharp tongue (not sure if this was phrase from English or my own language but the meaning is what I say might be the truth but I phrase it too straight forward that people think that I do not care, and sorts), with depression it gets very hurtful and my way of stopping it to avoid any contact with people. So that I do not need to constantly worry about what I say.

Sorry my reply is kinda all around the place with no structure as you can see I am someone who pays attention to very small details and that drives me crazy when at times like this, I cannot gather my thoughts with a organized manner.

[blondguy]

Hey Mddx

You have nothing to apologize for about your reply/post Mddx. When we are overthinking (me included) it can be difficult to concentrate let alone structure a post here. The forums take on board how people are feeling and your input is not only appreciated yet respected too

More importantly...HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you for last Friday 🙂 I hope you had a reasonably okay day

Having the ups and downs of depression/anxiety is like a rollercoaster ride....It can be hard work for us when we have a 'tired mind' which then makes everything so much harder (answering a phone call....avoiding certain situations)

I hope you treated yourself on your birthday 🙂

You deserve it

My kind thoughts

Paul