So easy to say for some. Some people that say that to us chronic worriers just dont know what its like to not possess the capability to shrug things off when the need arises.
I found a similar challenge after 11 years of emotional abuse at the hands of my first wife. Once seperated I spent 5 minutes daily in front of a mirror "you are a good person, you deserve a good life with a loving partner" etc. It worked. Confidence can grow and progress made from teaching ourselves what others might teach us.
As a 40yo I had a small list of personal challenges one of which was to accept that somethings in life arent curable so why beat myself up about things I cant change? I began the journey of accomplishing "water off a ducks back" and it wasnt easy.
As usual to rid my mind of topics, conversations that tormented my mind I'd have to distract myself. Distraction not only focusses your mind on other things, it dispenses time and time heals.
Also telling myself over and over "I cant change that, I cant control that, I am not responsible for that"...
A good example of the success of this challenging area of life that eluded me has been my youngest daughter now 24yo. She has returned to my life several times and on each occasion treated me poorly. The above techniques have worked. Aging helps too, it becomes easier.
I accepted with my daughter that her toxicity was inherited from her mother and there is a limit to my ability to change that. I'm not responsible for everything. I went through a period that I'd wanted to reject her if she came knocking. Then I realised if I made her welcome, talked but remained firm with my views, after she left my home the act of "water off a ducks back" would be easier. The guilt non existant, in myself satisfied I've given her a chance...I've continued to be a father. This is regardless of what the outcome will be.
Punishing yourself is imprisoning yourself over issues that harm you ten fold more than the initial event. To teach yourself to let go of topics of torment you need to lay a foundation of thoughts, mental discipline that were missed in your younger years for whatever reason. Compensating for that capability is not being able to just develop the ability "normal" people have to shrug problems off. We need to use other means at our disposal to achieve a level of peace. Distraction, repetition of lessons learned, reminders of what is beyond your control and maintaining a compassion so guilt doesnt fester.
Tony WK
