"Water off a ducks back"

[white knight]

So easy to say for some. Some people that say that to us chronic worriers just dont know what its like to not possess the capability to shrug things off when the need arises.

I found a similar challenge after 11 years of emotional abuse at the hands of my first wife. Once seperated I spent 5 minutes daily in front of a mirror "you are a good person, you deserve a good life with a loving partner" etc. It worked. Confidence can grow and progress made from teaching ourselves what others might teach us.

As a 40yo I had a small list of personal challenges one of which was to accept that somethings in life arent curable so why beat myself up about things I cant change? I began the journey of accomplishing "water off a ducks back" and it wasnt easy.

As usual to rid my mind of topics, conversations that tormented my mind I'd have to distract myself. Distraction not only focusses your mind on other things, it dispenses time and time heals.

Also telling myself over and over "I cant change that, I cant control that, I am not responsible for that"...

A good example of the success of this challenging area of life that eluded me has been my youngest daughter now 24yo. She has returned to my life several times and on each occasion treated me poorly. The above techniques have worked. Aging helps too, it becomes easier.

I accepted with my daughter that her toxicity was inherited from her mother and there is a limit to my ability to change that. I'm not responsible for everything. I went through a period that I'd wanted to reject her if she came knocking. Then I realised if I made her welcome, talked but remained firm with my views, after she left my home the act of "water off a ducks back" would be easier. The guilt non existant, in myself satisfied I've given her a chance...I've continued to be a father. This is regardless of what the outcome will be.

Punishing yourself is imprisoning yourself over issues that harm you ten fold more than the initial event. To teach yourself to let go of topics of torment you need to lay a foundation of thoughts, mental discipline that were missed in your younger years for whatever reason. Compensating for that capability is not being able to just develop the ability "normal" people have to shrug problems off. We need to use other means at our disposal to achieve a level of peace. Distraction, repetition of lessons learned, reminders of what is beyond your control and maintaining a compassion so guilt doesnt fester.

Tony WK

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Tony WK,

I love how you share your thoughts, insight and advice 🙂 Very generous of you, and no doubt, it helps so many. Credit to you...thank you for your generosity.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[MsPurple]

Hi Tony WK

I do love this saying. It reminds me of Jinx Monsoon the drag queen from RuPaul's drag race. She was the under dog of the season and ended up winning. This saying reminds me, that yes something may happen that is not ideal, but let it wash over you and learn from it.

I also do the mirror thing and tell myself something I like about myself. It helps me with self confidence

MP

[demonblaster]

Kudos Knight

You've overcome major long term attacks at self esteem, sorry you went through that rot. What is it with people that they have to run others down to make themselves feel better. It's them with the problems that turn into ours they say, I far from have gotten to the point of applying that knowledge, but you have and I'm going to read again & again what you said cause you've found strength and worked it out.
Seriously well done budz.

Like what MsPurple said too about learning from it, am sure that's one of the reasons we're here is to learn in all ways. And the each day in the mirror what they like about themselves, that's good, gunna do that too.

Thanks for that thread and wisdom, it's going to help and Hopefully others too

Take good care Knight and all 🙂

[white knight]

Thankyou all

Its satisfying to get your comments.

Considering my first wife emotionally abused me for 11 years that led to me having to escape my family home and become a part time dad, learning "water off a ducks back " wasnt easy.

But it goes to show, it takes time, persistence, changes of environment and employment maybe to achieve a clearer mindset....to be able to leave the rocks alone...or put them in a bag and toss them in the river.

Tony WK

[Guest_128]

That's it you are moving in here!

Later

[white knight]

Gee later, that the first proposal a lady has ever given me.

Can I take some time to think about it?

Tony WK

[Guest_128]

Bs

[Guest_3712]

Hi Tony,

Oh boy this is a hard one for me . I have taken my time replying here because I wanted to absorb your words .

Firstly I want to say how sorry I am that you've had this abuse in your life and then in the next breath congratulate you for developing strategies to help overcome the fallout.

I am so SENSITIVE! I'm sure every side glance , innocent comment is a judgment. I take everything personally and assume the worse.

Distraction is also a tactic of mine, and I try to keep busy to deflect any negative 'nellie's' or my own internal dialogue.

Or is it my excuse for not tackling my issues head on .

Yikes!

Thanks for exercising my brain- again!

Stressless

[white knight]

Hi stressless

Thankyou for being honest. I know what being over sensitive is like. I've lived with it all my life. But there is a flip side to it.

Being over sensitive gives you the quality of consideration, to think how it is for others, to "walk a mile in their shoes". This under valued awareness is rare in a world full of selfish attitudes.

Google

Topic: depression and sensitivity a connection?- beyondblue

When I get upset, usually from something someone has said, I get a tingle in my brain like a switch. As a male I want to cry but cannot (when young I would). I'd guess if I was female I would cry. So Im also guessing that by not crying it builds up and overflows whereas a female would release more regularly. Neither is better than the other but this consistent upset means we cannot just enjoy life like everyone else.

In my thread Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue it outlines why we withdraw from society or groups or forums...to take stock, reassess, get over what upset us then re-emerge. ..until the next time. And each time we do that we grow a thin layer of extra resilience until we are older and we've played a bit of catch up towards normality with such sensitivity .

You Stressless, have regrouped and rebounded after our little disagreement to commence your "circle of friends" that has taken off faster than any other thread Ive seen in my 4 years here.

Such a success would not have happened had you remained aloof and sad. I'm really proud of you for that. You are an incredible person.

Congratulations. One day I might contribute when in the right frame of mind.

Cheers my friend.

TonyWK