"Water off a ducks back"

[white knight]

So easy to say for some. Some people that say that to us chronic worriers just dont know what its like to not possess the capability to shrug things off when the need arises.

I found a similar challenge after 11 years of emotional abuse at the hands of my first wife. Once seperated I spent 5 minutes daily in front of a mirror "you are a good person, you deserve a good life with a loving partner" etc. It worked. Confidence can grow and progress made from teaching ourselves what others might teach us.

As a 40yo I had a small list of personal challenges one of which was to accept that somethings in life arent curable so why beat myself up about things I cant change? I began the journey of accomplishing "water off a ducks back" and it wasnt easy.

As usual to rid my mind of topics, conversations that tormented my mind I'd have to distract myself. Distraction not only focusses your mind on other things, it dispenses time and time heals.

Also telling myself over and over "I cant change that, I cant control that, I am not responsible for that"...

A good example of the success of this challenging area of life that eluded me has been my youngest daughter now 24yo. She has returned to my life several times and on each occasion treated me poorly. The above techniques have worked. Aging helps too, it becomes easier.

I accepted with my daughter that her toxicity was inherited from her mother and there is a limit to my ability to change that. I'm not responsible for everything. I went through a period that I'd wanted to reject her if she came knocking. Then I realised if I made her welcome, talked but remained firm with my views, after she left my home the act of "water off a ducks back" would be easier. The guilt non existant, in myself satisfied I've given her a chance...I've continued to be a father. This is regardless of what the outcome will be.

Punishing yourself is imprisoning yourself over issues that harm you ten fold more than the initial event. To teach yourself to let go of topics of torment you need to lay a foundation of thoughts, mental discipline that were missed in your younger years for whatever reason. Compensating for that capability is not being able to just develop the ability "normal" people have to shrug problems off. We need to use other means at our disposal to achieve a level of peace. Distraction, repetition of lessons learned, reminders of what is beyond your control and maintaining a compassion so guilt doesnt fester.

Tony WK

[Guest_3712]

Hey Velvet,

That is very astute of you - I really like it a lot. Yes I think those that say ," couldn't care less " really don't because what others think don't matter to them, but that is different to , "water off a ducks back". To me that implies you have built up a armour of sorts where you don't let negative comments penetrate.

Aw , geez I think I've lost my train of thought and have no idea where I was going. Oh well, I lost my mind last week so its probably there , wherever that is.

Hey good one Tony , 'You quack me up too "

Stressless

[white knight]

Quack quack

v

"Emotional resilience. No idea. In my life it seems those who care less are more self absorbed and those who do care see the bigger picture"

Very good.

Tony WK

[velvetfaerie]

*** preens duck feathers ***

quack

[MsPurple]

Moon and Tony I do still struggle with 'water off a ducks back' but I think it's one of those things you have to constantly work at. And it will become easier at times.

[demonblaster]

Hey all 🙂 Knight.. " Water off a ducks back.....you quack me up...." ... that quacked me up too thanks for that 🙂

I think the way to deal with being sensitive and hell yeah hurting often & easily, pretty average aye is gaining confidence that gives us a shield.
If we Like ourselves, finding our good points we've got em & improving on bads is the way
Our low self esteem lowers our armour

[white knight]

Hi demon blaster

Yes I agree. I'm a big believer in distraction. Many of us dwell on comments, worry about what we interpret as being criticism. We cannot change others to cater for such sensitivity, we have to do the hard yards to grapple with our own problem.

Finding ways to radically change from sensitive person to non sensitive person is, in my view, impossible. I've tried and it never worked although some progress towards less sensitivity has been made with aging....in my case.

Therefote, we have to seek out immediate techniques when we are offended.

Distraction, change of environment, changing the conversation topic, returning a question to the offender (not to change them but to help you feel less hurt)...all are ways to alleviate our easily offended sensitive minds.

Yes we get offended easily. But we wont progress without remedy of the effects. We cant stop the steam train of hurtful comments but we can turn a switch so that train goes down the rail track away from us.

Tony WK

[CMF]

'Water off a ducks back'. Wow that's a hard one for me, really hard but I'd like to try it.

it can take years for me to let things go.

love you his topic, I will re read it all when I have time.

cmf x

[CMF]

Correction love this topic, not love you his topic.

my iPad has a mind of its own.

[demonblaster]

Hi all 🙂 White yeah I've realised over time too we can't as you said change others, we can't stop them saying stuff but we can change with work how we react

I believe we can get on top of depression (hard work & time for sure, I think it's working out how to control our emotions, sooo powerful)
Low self esteem is consistent with depression I"m assuming because it's power over us uses anything that pulls us down. I've had enough with pain, (BP Bipolar) Working on getting the wrong option out of choices, then the only ways up and I'm determined to get there, like myself, confidence, (built reasonable amount over time, long way to go)

Yes it is a good thread 🙂 I rave about this site, and really liking that there's so many trying to work out how to slay the beast, the support, caring, understanding, you champions wow, the mods, manager, everyone makes this place sooo good. So grateful

CMF oh yeah hear ya about yrs to let stuff go, I can't, this forgive and forget, foreign language, I can move on but why should they be forgiven sorry but nah if it's a direct intent esp when ya don't set out to hurt others. Bites
You know I'm just starting to realise that it's understandable to remember if we've been hurt it contributes to our personalities, how we are with people furthur on for many. No one wants pain, well maybe some 🙂
It's depression bringing it up, makes us hurt over and over, well I'm talking from BP point of view but since that parts still depression on different levels I'd think it's safe to say.

I'm kinda in recovery from a doozy BP (Bipolar) down. Psych asked why leaving's an option again, cause for yrs I'd taken it outta equation for couple reasons no matter how low and it goes really deep.
I burst into tears telling her exactly that, it digs up EVERY single hurt.Engulfs.
Know exactly what you're talking about 🙂

Thanks for interesting convo and listening good peeps 🙂

[white knight]

Hi CMF yes I got you. 🙂

Demonblaster, I dont think most of us will be able to be cured of depression. I have bp2, depression and dysthymia. Hence why I'm always looking for ways to alleviate the symptoms.

Tony WK