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Men isolated

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

I'd like to hear from men. I want to know your inner feelings about anything that you feel isolated about. I'd like to know if you feel that the revolution towards equality of the sexes has gone too far to a point whereby you are feeling inferior to women or you feel women are being treated better in any way - just because you are a man.

Emotionally, are you feeling that you get enough support from females? Do you feel women are afraid to hug you to comfort you for any reason? like you'll take advantage of them? Do you have many female friends? Do you feel that women socialize better? What do YOU want socially?

Feel free, talk, let go of your restraints, take advantage of the anonymous environment to let yourself be heard. We can do this and be in error, that our presumptions are ill directed and unfair. It could be our own inapproachability for example that can sway women away from us when we need them most.

Are we misread? I know when I'm in conflict with someone I come across as a little aggressive or arguing in a normal male manner and that can portray someone that is not in need of support but is someone to avoid. NOTHING could be further from the truth.

So that's one gripe. I feel women don't pursue the friendship care far enough. Such limited care results in my feelings of isolation. I think I'm a "giver" apart from my supportive wife no woman supports me anywhere near the level I give to them. Is this an illusion? What do you think?

Two people. One a woman that enters a group, say a hobby group. She sits down and isn't feeling emotionally well. She is asked a question like "how is your day"? She burst into tears. The whole group of 10 ladies stand and hold her hand, hand on her shoulder, comforting and reassurance. She is not alone. They even ring her later and talk at length. The other person a middle aged male enters a motoring clubroom in his local town, his male friends restore cars and share drinks. He sits and realizes he was in no shape to attend. A guy asks him how his restoration is going. He is upset thinking about his car as due to his depression he hasn't been to his shed for weeks. He suddenly starts crying. The men, all of whom start to feel uncomfortable, mention a few things like" you'll get there don't worry". He is worried because he knows that half of the men there actually think he is a softy by crying, to stand clear of him because he has problems, to avoid him as it might upset their own happy day in the sun....

Tony WK

282 Replies 282

Elizabeth CP
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thanks Geoff, Your response illustrates why good communication is so important. Without it problems just fester. Recently things have been very difficult at home so both my husband & I are emotionally fragile. A couple of times my husband has complained about things I've done wrong. Of course it hurt particularly as he wasn't very tactful how he said it & of course I responded with my point of view more harshly than I should. In an ideal world we would both be more tactful & considerate in how we expressed our concerns but we are human!!!!

The result my husband was quiet for a while but later made a real effort to be nice to me to show he appreciated what I do for him. I stewed about his comments for some time but amongst that I recognised how he was feeling & made an effort to consider his needs & feelings. The process was unpleasant but it was far better getting things out in the open for both sides.

To anyone reading who thinks remaining silent & avoiding conflict is a good idea I ask you to think of the long term consequences. If one side or the other refuses to communicate the relationship is doomed in my opinion.

Hi Elizabeth, Geoff and Everyone!

Elizabeth...thankyou for your wisdom and clarity in your last two posts. Simple yet very effective

Elizabeth mentioned;

*If you are unhappy with something your partner tell them clearly what needs changing rather than assuming they know how you feel or thinking they should be able to read your body language.

*If you suspect your partner is upset about something ask them Don't wit for them to tell you directly.

*To anyone reading who thinks remaining silent & avoiding conflict is a good idea I ask you to think of the long term consequences. If one side or the other refuses to communicate the relationship is doomed in my opinion

I agree Elizabeth on what you have mentioned above. Common Courtesy and making the effort to communicate is crucial. Any relationship requires effort to grow. Being silent leans more towards self destructive IMO

What does everyone else think?

My kind thoughts

Paul

Hi Paul (and anyone reading),

I had to think on your last post. Until yesterday when my Aunt and Uncle visited us. I learnt something new about men and communication and conflict.

My Uncle (married into our family) is a bit on the outer at family functions. People speak down to him a lot which I can't stand because I like him. And they assume he is too stupid to pick up on the slights.

But as my Aunt was given a tour by hubby he stayed to speak with me. He told me he's been where I am. Down. Lost. Feeling like nothing you do is right. Feeling like a failure. Isolated. Alone. Not fitting in. Guilty. But his psych got him in a headlock (completely serious) and said I've had enough. You have to take care of YOU now.

Then he gave me a massive bear hug and said I'm telling you now forget the family and do what you must to look after YOU. And know if you need help or to talk we are here always.

We spoke for a while. My Aunt kept my kids and hubby busy... They'd obviously planned in advance. And he told me how he is well aware of what it feels like to not live up to the expectations in our family. That sometimes you just play dumb and do whatever works for YOU.

I saw a whole new dynamic between them as a couple dealing with conflict as a team.

And most special was for once it was the role of a man to counsel and talk. I appreciated it. It was so different to talking to a woman. He spoke openly. Bluntly. There were no tears or fuss. Just simple statements of fact. Noone is perfect. You matter. Forget the opinions of others and focus on you. Simple but meaningful.

It made me wonder... Are there others out there who have experienced men being open about their own experiences? Before this moment for me it had only ever happened online on the forums.

Hi Everyone

Hey Quercus and what a great post!....You mentioned how well your uncle communicated with you about how he felt....He is a legend

Unfortunately guys (not all) trip and fumble where communication is concerned

You mentioned re your uncle... "He told me he's been where I am. Down. Lost. Feeling like nothing you do is right. Feeling like a failure. Isolated. Alone. Not fitting in. Guilty. But his psych got him in a headlock (completely serious) and said I've had enough. You have to take care of YOU now"

I wish I had his smarts when I was in my 20's Quercus....It took me a long time to get anywhere near his level of saying how it is....

As Quercus said "Are there others out there who have experienced men being open about their own experiences?"

He sets an excellent example for all of us....great post

My Kind thoughts

Paul

Nat's experience with her uncle brought back a few memories. From my experience women are often more gentle & careful with what they say which can be helpful. In contrast men typically are more forthright & practical. They wait till they have something they feel is worth saying. Obviously this is a generalisation.

A couple of examples of men being very forthright.

  • Years ago I was struggling after losing my dad & becoming full time carer for mum on top of caring for 5 young children under 8. The youngest a very difficult baby. We'd moved into a new area to be able to accomodate my mum so didn't know neighbours. My brother told me I know you don't have much money & you are really struggling. You need a break. I know a nice place you can stay with lots of activities for the kids. I'll look after mum & pay for your weekend away!!! I did as I was told & had a lovely time with our family. My brother bought mum a phone she could keep on her wheelchair in a little pocket so she could ring for help so he didn't have to be there 24/7. This meant even afterwards I could have short breaks even for a few hours. At the time I needed someone who not only understood but was prepared to help.
  • Recently I felt inadequate after attending a funeral for a friend's son. I felt my attempt to express my feelings in a card was woefully inadequate. Walking home one day the friend drove past me & waved but then parked his car & walked back to thank me for my car. He opened up about the pain of losing his son and his feelings of powerlessness watching his son suffer for most of his life. (His son had become ill at age 5 at the time his mother died. This illness had made his life very difficult until he died at about 35. The conversation with my friend was good for him as he could open up about his feelings but it was good for me knowing my feeble attempt to write a card had helped him feel understood.

Hello everyone

Hi Elizabeth and thankyou for taking the time to provide heartfelt examples where men have reached out and communicated...I know that TonyWK would have also appreciated your kind input

Elizabeth mentioned feeling inadequate after attending a funeral for her friends son and her feelings she expressed in her card feeble. Elizabeth's friend drove past and opened up to her ....

"He opened up about the pain of losing his son and his feelings of powerlessness watching his son suffer for most of his life. (His son had become ill at age 5 at the time his mother died. This illness had made
his life very difficult until he died at about 35) The conversation with my friend was good for him as he could open up about his feelings
"

That is beyond tragic Elizabeth...Very sincere thanks for sharing how your friend communicated with you

I wish I was as strong as your friend.

I always feel awfully inadequate when writing a card....I think the majority of us do as well....sometimes there are no words....

My kind thoughts always

Paul

Hey Everyone, and sincere thanks to TonyWK for creating the excellent thread topic

As a male....do you feel isolated in your life and feel like you are invalid? Whether its at work or our private lives we can sometimes feel isolated...or worse

Women are always welcome to reply too (like the understanding posts above) about their experiences where men feel isolated for any reason

TonyWK didnt write this thread topic with negative thoughts about women. He was only asking about men being isolated and hearing their thoughts

Any posts/thoughts are welcome!

Paul

AndyR
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Being new around here I just discovered this. I'd like to contribute my thoughts but I'm sitting wondering over one question:

"Is it safe for me as a gay man to share my views and perspective?"

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Dear AndyR,

Absolutely!!!If you go back a page (page 6) to a post on 3 May, I asked this very question to the thread creator, Tony WK, and his response is basically yes please.

Please feel very safe and welcome😊 your input is valued and invited.

🌻birdy

Quercus
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

That's a curious thought Andy 😊

Whether you're a gay man, a heterosexual man, asexual man or a bisexual man... Does it matter?

Doesn't change that you are a man and have views we'd love to hear.

If it is a matter of safety... The forums are gentle and non judgemental and the moderators keep the trolls at bay. So please feel safe to share.