Life of an accomplished actor (wearing the mask)

[jeffersen]

I have known of the website for quite a while and finally got the nerve to post my own story in order to see if their is others running the same performance day in and day out. I am in my early 40's, married nearly 20 years and have 3 children.  I pursued an education in order to better my life and familes and have a fairly successful career in government, lets say development. 

Through the timelines I have had several breakdowns, in which I eventually sought help from a GP and was on medication for 12 months with therapy (depression and anxiety).  It was good to talk at therapy, however it did not really close any doors in my mind and medication made me feel vacant which is not a good idea when your in a public position that borders on tony stark style performances.  I did not divulge my illness to my family (except my wife) or employer due to the stigma.  It is unfortuate but the choice was to maintain a career and an image that I had worked at for years. To meet me you would think that I was outgoing, chatting and have a laugh, however I can maintain that composer during an episode when on the inside I would be a mess with tears running inside instead of out and go to peices in the car on the way home when no one was around.

My experience with the illness has been living with a horrible inner voice, in which you learn as time goes along to identify when it will appear and how to control it.  It is not unlike the term used by Winston Churchill ie living with a black dog...it is always their its just working hard everyday to keep it at bay/happy. 

How the depression came about is not easy to pin down, however I was raised in a disfunctional middle class family where my mother was an alcoholic.  Jeckle and Hyde type.  As I grew up I had problems with anger and empathy that resolved themselves, in which I formed a persona of the comic.  A school teacher remarked once that I would not eventuate to much and my class mates thought I would be a comedian.  This changed when I was a young man from finding love, losing love and entering a dark destructive world of alcohol and drugs.  That ended after a few years and love was found again, in which I completely divulged myself in that environment and also concentrated on creating a new me.  Professional, charismatic, helpful, good conversationalist etc.  Running a performance with a prominent career made the wheels fall off a few times, however each time this was suffering in silence.  The stigma of mental illness can destroy careers, especially a public servant/consultant as you can be held up like a knight at times.  A mask was formed over the years, cracks appeared from time to time, however I also became a good actor/commelian.  

As mentioned, I haven't shared my illness with my parents, however I think they know deep down.  They are elderly now so I do not see reason to present such a thing.  My sister is an ageing drug addict who fried her brain along time ago and my brother I think has demons as well, however he presents the mans, mans persona.  My inlaws think depression is crap even though they are both walking basket cases who need help (don't get me wrong I am very fond of them).  My wife is an angel.  She is aware of my illness and how I live with what would at times looks like two personalities.  She keeps me in check (we are opposites).  Those that live with the illness are aware of what I say when an episode appears ie you drive to work in tears every second day from self doubt voices running through your head or anxiety from being overwhelmed by to many tasks and responsibilities.  However, the show must go on, you clean yourself up, tell your mind to stop it and you are great at what you do why else would you get asked to do it etc. Create positive re-inforcement. 

The downside to the illness for me is the distraction it creates.  It is selfish as you end up living  at times in your own void/world and you are not even aware half the time that it is happening.  You shut yourself off from people and you find everyday conversions boring.  One thing I have noticed over the years though is you can spot a fellow suffer easily as similiar characteristics become evident, especially for those that operate like an actor.  I had a boss in a place I worked many years ago who was a sufferer and he was in a very high level position and he was an actor.  He confided in me which is unusal for an executive level boss to do as he identified that I was as well and he made me aware how he survived.  Down side was he abused alcohol which ended up destroying him as he would not get help due to the stigma.  It still saddens me today when I think back as he was a lovely man.    

I had a friend approach me several years ago when they identified that they were a suffer and I gave them advice on how I survived.  I did make them aware of the stigma for my reasons not to air my story outside of my home.  He made all his firends aware of his illness and employer which has made him lose most of those so called old friends and his employer systematically found a means to get him made redundant.  We still maintain a strong bond which I must say is one of the best you can have as it has the blokey flavour and also confidence which most men struggle with.

The mask works for me, it is not perfect, it may even be unhealthy, however you have to remember their is a purpose. I put up the good fight daily from remembering what would be left behind if I was gone, and that is not fair and very selfish.

I am of the mindset that this is a work in progress, like a painting that could take 20 years to finish.  I am finding that my mind is having to now refocus on the little things as they have been missing for years ie smell the flowers, listen better to my children and give time out to myself ie play golf, exercise and join a club in order to meet and get involved with a vocation that can give meaning.

Its not everything, but it is enough for now.

I hope this provides some normality to others in their routines. ie your not alone.

[Hyperion]

Hi Jeffersen,

just checking in to see how you are going. Hope all is ok.

[jeffersen]

Apologises for not responding earlier, life has been good and very busy. I am well from practising the creation of events that provide meaning and happiness.  Family holiday overseas, doing things with the family and the occasional golf game.  I find by maintaining activity it provides distraction that keeps the black dog at bay.  I know when he is near ie following me which is when i am under pressure, stressed, overdoing it or over committing myself. Self doubt is the black dogs food.  Create the distraction no matter how mundane it might feel at times. 

Remember those moments of happiness ie childrens smile, hearing them say your name for the first time etc. This can bring you back or create a spark when a negative event is happening. Create a domino effect where you control the first event which triggers further events.  From your post i can see you are an educated talented man.  Be the creater, the artist, the actor that you are to take control. This will bring happiness eventually even though it will be like climbing a mountain at first. Remember mountains are just stepped over by giants. 

It is good to hear that you are challenging yourself with study.  Expand upon skills is a good idea and i would even seek work experience with companies etc for free in order to expand a cv. Sometimes this can led to a new job and new associates.  More associates the better, you never know a friend could be made from this initative.  All the best and keep up the good fight. Jeffersen.

[jeffersen]

Bettle, just touching base to see how you are travelling as it has been a while between posts.  Jeffersen