Your "other side" you might not know you have?

[white knight]

I've written a manuscript I hope to get published one day. It is a true account of my time between 1977 and 1980 as a prison officer in the notorious Pentridge Gaol.

Surviving in a gaol as a sensitive 21yo man was simply not possible.So automatically I developed "another side", a man that fitted into that black uniform much easier, one that got on well with other officers and was able to carry out my duties like any other officer. I knicknamed him "Anthony" Knock off time and Tony would return.

It occured to me this morning, what if you were in a trade/profession like call centres or sales and you had to carry out your work when in a depressed or anxious state? A publican, a shop assistant.How could you survive? Surely you'd develop a similar persona to enable you to remain in your job? I'd like to hear from anyone that has.

Back to the gaol. I can recall internal arguments between Anthony and myself. One time there was a tragic event and I was in charge of that tier. Anthony yelled at me to 'disappear' as he knew I couldnt handle the real life drama. I did. I stood upon the upper tier with tears welling as Anthony went through the process of handling it all. A few years later within 6 months of each other I was present when a person had heart failure. Again Anthony came to the rescue, instantly carrying our CPR and thankfully they lived. To be frank, had Anthony not existed I dont think I could have handled those situations.

So, those with mental illness, do you have another side? Is there another side that you are unaware of ...a mask worn daily? And the BIG question- can you utilise that mask to your advantage to fit into society and the workplace?

I know in my last job (I'm retired) when I boarded my car in the morning my mask was put on immediately and taken off when I arrived home. No one that I had contact with during the day realised the real Tony. This was after 90 jobs spanning 40 years. 85 of those jobs I left because Anthony wasnt allowed to exist...I got rid of him in 1980 when I left the gaol job. I didnt like Anthony, he was sometimes nasty, manipulative and confronting....yeh no wonder he fitted into the gaol workplace.

Now that I'm retired I dont need Anthony anyway. But in any workplace he would be handy.

Can you don that mask to be another person at work returning to your normal self at will? I'd be interested if you can. Whether it takes a toll on you and whether your outer phony shield breaks down at work exposing your true self.

[Pixie15]

Hi Tony,

I don't think it is unusual to have different personas for different situations. We might unmask ourselves to different degrees for different people. Probably not useful if you are not aware you are doing it. But for example if you are a school teacher during the day you can not expect to go home and be exactly the same person to your own children.

If you are still concerned about the Anthony person and what he may have been required to do have a look on YouTube for the Zimbardo Prison Experiment. We are all influenced and constrained by the social environment. Apparently the prison environment is one of the most difficult.

Grateful. 

[HA1]

Hi

Grateful is of course right in saying that we adapt our personas to fit the circumstances, often in very small and temporary ways.  That is perceived to be the polite thing to do, otherwise one might not be able to function in society.  But in my view that is different to wearing a mask in the context that you describe, i.e. in order to fit a particular mould.

I guess you could say that I have been a walking contradiction.  I have worn masks that hide what I really feel and think, but have donned the disguise in part to fit in, or a particular need at a particular time, or to achieve professional outcomes that would be not a natural fit with my core persona (albeit a persona suffering from some mental health issues).  In some cases, I have eventually walked away from each of these chapters of my life, typically cutting myself away completely from that chapter and those associated with that chapter of my life.  I never look back.  I then move on to start afresh with new needs and purpose.  I guess, on  reflection, had I just been me, I would not have experienced what I have, and achieved what I have. I could not have done it by myself, I had to change who I was.  It was always tiring.

Now that I am formally of severe ill health, I can relax - booze free and pressure free.  Just my illness.

I see a correlation with this thread that you have started Tony, and the question I have been asking on a different thread about what there is at the end of the tunnel? Who will I be and how will I have changed when I come out?  Because now I am putting on a different type of mask (fuelled by medication) that achieves a similar outcome to what I have done successfully myself over my lifetime.  It changes who I am.  [I hasten to add, that I may well be a healthier me at the end, but nonetheless.]

OK I have had a rant, and won't bore you with any more of my thoughts.  But it feels good in a way to have made this connection.  Thanks for the post Tony.

K