Life of an accomplished actor (wearing the mask)

[jeffersen]

I have known of the website for quite a while and finally got the nerve to post my own story in order to see if their is others running the same performance day in and day out. I am in my early 40's, married nearly 20 years and have 3 children.  I pursued an education in order to better my life and familes and have a fairly successful career in government, lets say development. 

Through the timelines I have had several breakdowns, in which I eventually sought help from a GP and was on medication for 12 months with therapy (depression and anxiety).  It was good to talk at therapy, however it did not really close any doors in my mind and medication made me feel vacant which is not a good idea when your in a public position that borders on tony stark style performances.  I did not divulge my illness to my family (except my wife) or employer due to the stigma.  It is unfortuate but the choice was to maintain a career and an image that I had worked at for years. To meet me you would think that I was outgoing, chatting and have a laugh, however I can maintain that composer during an episode when on the inside I would be a mess with tears running inside instead of out and go to peices in the car on the way home when no one was around.

My experience with the illness has been living with a horrible inner voice, in which you learn as time goes along to identify when it will appear and how to control it.  It is not unlike the term used by Winston Churchill ie living with a black dog...it is always their its just working hard everyday to keep it at bay/happy. 

How the depression came about is not easy to pin down, however I was raised in a disfunctional middle class family where my mother was an alcoholic.  Jeckle and Hyde type.  As I grew up I had problems with anger and empathy that resolved themselves, in which I formed a persona of the comic.  A school teacher remarked once that I would not eventuate to much and my class mates thought I would be a comedian.  This changed when I was a young man from finding love, losing love and entering a dark destructive world of alcohol and drugs.  That ended after a few years and love was found again, in which I completely divulged myself in that environment and also concentrated on creating a new me.  Professional, charismatic, helpful, good conversationalist etc.  Running a performance with a prominent career made the wheels fall off a few times, however each time this was suffering in silence.  The stigma of mental illness can destroy careers, especially a public servant/consultant as you can be held up like a knight at times.  A mask was formed over the years, cracks appeared from time to time, however I also became a good actor/commelian.  

As mentioned, I haven't shared my illness with my parents, however I think they know deep down.  They are elderly now so I do not see reason to present such a thing.  My sister is an ageing drug addict who fried her brain along time ago and my brother I think has demons as well, however he presents the mans, mans persona.  My inlaws think depression is crap even though they are both walking basket cases who need help (don't get me wrong I am very fond of them).  My wife is an angel.  She is aware of my illness and how I live with what would at times looks like two personalities.  She keeps me in check (we are opposites).  Those that live with the illness are aware of what I say when an episode appears ie you drive to work in tears every second day from self doubt voices running through your head or anxiety from being overwhelmed by to many tasks and responsibilities.  However, the show must go on, you clean yourself up, tell your mind to stop it and you are great at what you do why else would you get asked to do it etc. Create positive re-inforcement. 

The downside to the illness for me is the distraction it creates.  It is selfish as you end up living  at times in your own void/world and you are not even aware half the time that it is happening.  You shut yourself off from people and you find everyday conversions boring.  One thing I have noticed over the years though is you can spot a fellow suffer easily as similiar characteristics become evident, especially for those that operate like an actor.  I had a boss in a place I worked many years ago who was a sufferer and he was in a very high level position and he was an actor.  He confided in me which is unusal for an executive level boss to do as he identified that I was as well and he made me aware how he survived.  Down side was he abused alcohol which ended up destroying him as he would not get help due to the stigma.  It still saddens me today when I think back as he was a lovely man.    

I had a friend approach me several years ago when they identified that they were a suffer and I gave them advice on how I survived.  I did make them aware of the stigma for my reasons not to air my story outside of my home.  He made all his firends aware of his illness and employer which has made him lose most of those so called old friends and his employer systematically found a means to get him made redundant.  We still maintain a strong bond which I must say is one of the best you can have as it has the blokey flavour and also confidence which most men struggle with.

The mask works for me, it is not perfect, it may even be unhealthy, however you have to remember their is a purpose. I put up the good fight daily from remembering what would be left behind if I was gone, and that is not fair and very selfish.

I am of the mindset that this is a work in progress, like a painting that could take 20 years to finish.  I am finding that my mind is having to now refocus on the little things as they have been missing for years ie smell the flowers, listen better to my children and give time out to myself ie play golf, exercise and join a club in order to meet and get involved with a vocation that can give meaning.

Its not everything, but it is enough for now.

I hope this provides some normality to others in their routines. ie your not alone.

[Beetle]

hi Jefferson

Wow what a post. When I first saw your post I thought: oops too much text cant get through this. But u write splendidly and I really appreciated your honesty with yourself and the description of wearing the mask.

I was also wearing the mask for years but i was not even aware of wearing it! It took me all of my strength to keep up my performance and after perhaps more than 10 years or since childhood i complete broke down and confided to my GP that something is not right..

I was diagnosed with GAD and MDD and on meds now. I am also working in a very responsible position as a health care professional. My decisions basically can mean life or death for my patients. So i have to function and i have to know when to seek help and when to take a break.YOu can only screw up a patients life once.....

Thank god the meds help, and if i play by the rules ( e.g no or only minimal alcohol, rest, sleep and exercise) I actually can now live without the mask. This gave me more energy to engage with people around me and also gave me the strength to radiate more empathy.

Stigma is huge in health care and i haven't told my boss. I haven't told my family since the would not understand at all. Pointless to tell them. Only some of my good friends know. I hope this stays that way. being too honest can bite u in the back. So i am like you- be careful whom you tell the truth and confide in!

I agree that the mask can keep you functioning for a long time. For me it was unhealthy. My body told me that loud and clear and i basically crashed physically and mentally. How do you find the strength to keep the mask up for so many years???? that's such an exhausting exercise! I am impressed....but also worried about you.

Please post again how you are going

Beetle

[jeffersen]

Thankyou for your acknowledgement, it is greatly appreciated. I am keeping up the good fight & maintaining the distraction to stay positive.  Reading your response I can see you have been working hard at keeping the black dog at bay, which is good to hear.  I find maintaining social and active participation routines, no matter how hard it may be at times to be present is the best way to remain stable.  Surround yourself regulary with positive, active and interesting people is ideal and give yourself personal time to escape ie sport, walking, appreciating landscapes, nature etc does provide relief and peace. This for me reduces the pressure of wearing the mask.  It can be hard at times to find as people by nature can be ignorant or blind to others views, and some are more self indulged then others. Narcissistic personalities can be the most difficult. I have a father in law who is chronic and undiagnosed. In his mind the doctor is wrong and had his expertise questioned as the father in law new better. It made my problem look workable in comparison to his.  Workplaces can be obvious places as well as difficult personalities and egos can be trying at times.  Good friends that you trust are important and relationships that are cherished serve you well.  Thankyou again and if you need advice or just want to share your thoughts, or bounce off let me know. Oh, i was reading a forum entry earlier about a women whose husband has been sufferering for many years where she mentioned that his childhood was very troubling (alcoholic father and narcisistic mother). This seems to be a common thread with people suffering from depression. He was pretty bad and advice from the forum was to seek hospitalisation.  It is good to hear that forum readers / participants were providing sound,

caring input.

[geoff]

dear Jefferson, I'm sorry that I missed your post but I saw it on page 2 as I always check any posts that have not been replied to.

It's an interesting post indeed and a good reply from Beetle, and what I would like to add is that yes I wore the mask for years, but there were times when I may have lost ( in theory) this protection so what happens then, either we stay at home or we try so hard to be able to pretend to smile, but as soon as we do this our face cracks, giving away that there maybe something wrong,so we go to the bathroom and apply some plaster filler on and try to fill up the cracks, but this lasts only temporarily, so we then have to go.

It is true that with parents who were alcoholics also had depression, but back in those days it was taboo to even admit that you had depression, because you would be dragged off in a white suit and locked away, and probably never to be seen again.

Once you have had depression and been able to overcome it, you can tell whether or not someone is suffering from this illness, because if and when you talk to them their mask is on, but as soon as they leave their mask falls off, but it's a continual act as they walk along the footpath, on it goes, then off it goes. Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi Jeffersen,

Yes, Geoff, a very interesting post.  I'm 58yo. For 35 years I felt horrible that I had uncontrolled emotions. Then I began to harness such feelings in my poetry. Now, 300 poems later, I have fully embraced such feelings. I dont know if this helps you Jeffersen, but many show biz people have the black dog, their "other side".  now feel sorry for anyone that doesnt have another side....

MY OWN CLOWN

I have a mentor

a clown I hold in my hand

when I express my joy

he's a colourful one man band

And when he's sad

I see him through a blur

sitting sadly a mope

of course we both were

One day one to forget

I watched his arms begging

in circles walking

and emotionally level pegging

I said to him-

"why do you copy me clown?

as he sat and looked - he replied

"I copy you when you're up,

and I copy you when you're down"

I stared closer at his face

and got a shock to see

his face was so familiar

it was a mirror image of me.....

[Hyperion]

Hi Jefferson,

I began reading your post because of the actor title, so many times I have felt I'm an actor, a fraud who pretends to be somehow he is not. It is so strange you say the same thing. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. There were so many things you wrote in your post that resonate with me. The crying in the car, the keeping it together one day at a time, I could go on. The black dog is a new one to me, I always believed it referred to alcohol. I see my depression as a shadow always following me, I try not to acknowledge it and pretend it isn't there, but it finds me and makes me look, getting in my way.

As you say, others wouldn't even guess. Charming, witty, intelligent, thoughtful, helpful, honesty, creative. All words that others have used to describe me. Honestly, I feel I've missed my calling I could have been a fantastic actor!

I'm going through a bad patch myself at the moment. Unemployed for over a year, I keep sending out those CVs only to have them knocked back - too experienced/not experienced enough. I'm a graphic designer and fear it is a young man's game now, no one wants an almost 50 year old graphic designer. I used to think my work was pretty good, now I just think it is crap and that is what holds me back. What could I possibly have to offer anyone? That is how I feel - what good am I to anyone?

I've let everyone down, my kids, my wife. I have no parents, they died when I was very young so I can't turn to them for a kind word or even a hug. My brother has pretty much disowned me, he claims otherwise but the truth is he hardly speaks to me. I suspect he has his own hang ups about our childhood. As for friends, there are none. Yep, I'm not making it up, no one to talk to outside of my wife. I've been seeing a doctor but that is becoming harder as I can't afford the fees even with the rebates.

So I understand all too well how you feel because I feel the same way. I envy you having something to go to and feel useful. I also envy that you have someone to talk to. I wake up in the morning and my fist thought is - damn made it through another night, when will this nightmare end? I go around the house trying to be busy and I'm pretty good at pretending to do that too. I've gone back to study and am doing well but I ask myself 'what is the point?'

What is the point? I feel there is not much for me and wonder if I'm doing more harm than good to my kids? Is a broken dad better than an absent one?

[white knight]

Dear Hyperion,

I'll be a little blunt here.  One step from carrying out my plan of self destruction in 1996 and then I whispered to myself "a part time dad is better than no dad at all"

These were the words that "saved" me. I left that household and my then wife's cruel ways and made the biggest decision of my life....to dedicate the rest of my life to them and their welfare, even though I no longer lived in the family home.

In times of feeling so low we must gather all our strength to devote ourselves to those we love. And not to do anything that will lead to their lifelong suffering.

Fast track 10 years from where you are now. your kids would be grown up and yo might have a totally different lifestyle. Give life a chance to sort itself out.

Many of us wear masks.  It's sad really. I've craved to be like so many of my friends without masks, but they still might have one and not show? Over the years my mask has been lifted to reveal the poet, the sensitive guy, the depressant and the donor. But it doesnt mean smooth sailing. Many friends reject such diverse personalities because they are unpredictable.  Their problem yes but it means there is a constant stream of friends coming and going from my life. Try another- trash that other one etc. A few have lasted the distance but most dont. This isnt good but one must bare it. For my mask and the faces it hides is me and I am determined to remain ...me.

[Hyperion]

HI White Knight,

nice thoughts indeed. I'm afraid its so dark I can't see out. Growing up without a dad, I know the pain one feels so I can't do that to my kids but I do feel bleak and lost and alone. I can't see the future beyond what I see now and I have to say it is almost unbearable. I don't know what to do, I have nothing to steer towards, no goal, nothing to occupy my mind and give me purpose. I can't even say I'm providing for my family because I'm not working and can't find a job. What is left? A hollow shell, that takes up space and isn't useful.

[geoff]

dear Hyperion and WK, firstly WK that poem you have posted about the clown, whow is really brilliant and hell it resonates so much for all of us struggling with depression.

Yes 'friends' come and go all the time and for several reasons, they don't know what to do, or they don't want to help us because it's infringes on their own time, or perhaps it may cost money for them, such as phone calls, petrol etc.,, or they may feel as though they could become depressed as well, because they could also be on a borderline themselves.

In depression there is no future, we can never see one, because we think that it would fail as well, or we would never be any good at it.

You have to accept that you aren't able to provide for your family at the moment, and even if you did have a job it wouldn't be for very long, because you aren't able to perform your duties.

We take this as a big 'come down', it always happens, but you have to understand that your first job is to get better, that's priority number one.

It's impossible to be forced into this, it would never work, and even if we pretend to be better it's only joshing ourselves. Geoff.

[Struggler]

Hi Hyperion

I feel I am hijacking Jefferson's thread but I really want to respond to Hyperion.  Also forgive me for intruding on this "Secret Men's Business" 😜. :=)

When I was eight my father disappeared and was never found.  My mother died when I was 15 partly due to not knowing her husband alive or dead all those years.  It happened so long ago and I am now a parent myself.  I decided to be a supportive parent so my children don't have to grow up without one parent, sometimes not doing a very good job though. If something happened to you, your children would grow up without a father also as you did.  Is it what you want for them too? Imagine how devastating they would be if you were not in this world anymore?  Having an unemployed father is better than no father, don't you agree?  So think about them too.  Sorry I have a reputation for being abrupt but I mean  well.  

As to lack of friends, duh, who cares!  How many people can say they have genuine friends? Not many.  Most so called friends are fair weather friends.  When it comes to the crunch, they vaporise, gone, kaput.  My experience taught me not to rely on friends for support.  As far as I am concerned, I have only one real friend, that is ME.  Besides I dropped what friends I had because they bored me. I could never open up to them about my struggle with depression.  They are boring, shallow and annoying, waste of time, period.

I became unemployed recently and I am 59!  With your youth, you have better chance finding a job than I.  Young man, it is hard when you have children and a wife.  You feel you lost your manhood.  In this day and age, men are still considered the main bread winner.  So it really hurts when a man can't provide for his family financially.  

As Geoff said you have to first get yourself well before finding a job.  Because in your present condition it is too difficult to hold down a job.  I am speaking from experience.  

Do post often here when you are trying to get well.  Lots of men here are supporting your endeavour, oh, of course women too.  It is just that this thread appears in men's section and women miss out, too scared to enter the men's domain, just kidding.

Please let us know how you are getting along.

Struggler