I have known of the website for quite a while and finally got the nerve
to post my own story in order to see if their is others running the same
performance day in and day out. I am in my early 40's, married nearly 20
years and have 3 children. I pur...
View more
I have known of the website for quite a while and finally got the nerve
to post my own story in order to see if their is others running the same
performance day in and day out. I am in my early 40's, married nearly 20
years and have 3 children. I pursued an education in order to better my
life and familes and have a fairly successful career in government, lets
say development. Through the timelines I have had several breakdowns, in
which I eventually sought help from a GP and was on medication for 12
months with therapy (depression and anxiety). It was good to talk at
therapy, however it did not really close any doors in my mind and
medication made me feel vacant which is not a good idea when your in a
public position that borders on tony stark style performances. I did not
divulge my illness to my family (except my wife) or employer due to the
stigma. It is unfortuate but the choice was to maintain a career and an
image that I had worked at for years. To meet me you would think that I
was outgoing, chatting and have a laugh, however I can maintain that
composer during an episode when on the inside I would be a mess with
tears running inside instead of out and go to peices in the car on the
way home when no one was around. My experience with the illness has been
living with a horrible inner voice, in which you learn as time goes
along to identify when it will appear and how to control it. It is not
unlike the term used by Winston Churchill ie living with a black
dog...it is always their its just working hard everyday to keep it at
bay/happy. How the depression came about is not easy to pin down,
however I was raised in a disfunctional middle class family where my
mother was an alcoholic. Jeckle and Hyde type. As I grew up I had
problems with anger and empathy that resolved themselves, in which I
formed a persona of the comic. A school teacher remarked once that I
would not eventuate to much and my class mates thought I would be a
comedian. This changed when I was a young man from finding love, losing
love and entering a dark destructive world of alcohol and drugs. That
ended after a few years and love was found again, in which I completely
divulged myself in that environment and also concentrated on creating a
new me. Professional, charismatic, helpful, good conversationalist etc.
Running a performance with a prominent career made the wheels fall off a
few times, however each time this was suffering in silence. The stigma
of mental illness can destroy careers, especially a public
servant/consultant as you can be held up like a knight at times. A mask
was formed over the years, cracks appeared from time to time, however I
also became a good actor/commelian. As mentioned, I haven't shared my
illness with my parents, however I think they know deep down. They are
elderly now so I do not see reason to present such a thing. My sister is
an ageing drug addict who fried her brain along time ago and my brother
I think has demons as well, however he presents the mans, mans persona.
My inlaws think depression is crap even though they are both walking
basket cases who need help (don't get me wrong I am very fond of them).
My wife is an angel. She is aware of my illness and how I live with what
would at times looks like two personalities. She keeps me in check (we
are opposites). Those that live with the illness are aware of what I say
when an episode appears ie you drive to work in tears every second day
from self doubt voices running through your head or anxiety from being
overwhelmed by to many tasks and responsibilities. However, the show
must go on, you clean yourself up, tell your mind to stop it and you are
great at what you do why else would you get asked to do it etc. Create
positive re-inforcement. The downside to the illness for me is the
distraction it creates. It is selfish as you end up living at times in
your own void/world and you are not even aware half the time that it is
happening. You shut yourself off from people and you find everyday
conversions boring. One thing I have noticed over the years though is
you can spot a fellow suffer easily as similiar characteristics become
evident, especially for those that operate like an actor. I had a boss
in a place I worked many years ago who was a sufferer and he was in a
very high level position and he was an actor. He confided in me which is
unusal for an executive level boss to do as he identified that I was as
well and he made me aware how he survived. Down side was he abused
alcohol which ended up destroying him as he would not get help due to
the stigma. It still saddens me today when I think back as he was a
lovely man. I had a friend approach me several years ago when they
identified that they were a suffer and I gave them advice on how I
survived. I did make them aware of the stigma for my reasons not to air
my story outside of my home. He made all his firends aware of his
illness and employer which has made him lose most of those so called old
friends and his employer systematically found a means to get him made
redundant. We still maintain a strong bond which I must say is one of
the best you can have as it has the blokey flavour and also confidence
which most men struggle with. The mask works for me, it is not perfect,
it may even be unhealthy, however you have to remember their is a
purpose. I put up the good fight daily from remembering what would be
left behind if I was gone, and that is not fair and very selfish. I am
of the mindset that this is a work in progress, like a painting that
could take 20 years to finish. I am finding that my mind is having to
now refocus on the little things as they have been missing for years ie
smell the flowers, listen better to my children and give time out to
myself ie play golf, exercise and join a club in order to meet and get
involved with a vocation that can give meaning. Its not everything, but
it is enough for now. I hope this provides some normality to others in
their routines. ie your not alone.
A Bouquet for Pearls - share your appreciation for other members
