Fast tracking problems - anti dwelling- identifying the moment

[white knight]

I have, through natural processes, chased methods of how I can more quickly overcome roadblocks in my life. This is fundamentally due to having had a stressed life eg long relationships failing and the grief processes along with them. Over time I've grown less tolerant of that grief and become more desperate to leap frog them onto happier times. This is why I'm sharing this with you as it has saved me from much hurt.

The scenario- A long term relationship begins to fail. You've tried counselling and changes, nothing works. Your partner says they no longer are in love with you. Your natural strategy is save the relationship but you've already tried doing that with counselling... what extra counselling will you both need that would reverse this falling out of love development? Sometimes a partner will hold on forever waiting until all their issues vanish, they rarely ever do. When is the time to be realistic? Well that is subjective but as a rule of thumb there are signs that pop up regularly that tell you it can be saved or cant be saved. Eg both declaring love for each other and acknowledging outside stresses are to blame is a "can be saved" moment. A "I'm not in love with you now" is a "cant be saved" moment. Those phrases may be comments that are regretful and expressing that could go from cant be saved to reconsidering if it can be saved, but this isnt common.

I had a "cant be saved" moment in a past relationship. My partner over many years had manipulated our finances to become the number one controller of our money. I was on an allowance. By this time I wasnt happy about it and felt my easy going demeanour resulted in being taken advantage of. I was earning 3 times her salary but always treat us to equal. Then a lifelong passion arrived- to purchase a special vehicle. That car would be owned by our company so it was a tax incentive... or we pay extra tax, so it was also clever to buy. She was not a car person so rejected the idea. At one point in our discussions she made a statement- "you can have the car but you have to save for it out of your allowance". I worked it out to take 42 years. That night we talked and that moment it "cant be saved" came "well start saving". I've discussed "passions" in other threads but a passion is a burning desire and those without a passion dont have that feeling and cant relate. It was over.

So, making quick decisions saves us from more hurt and dragging out issues- nip it in the bud!. Your thoughts?

TonyWK

[white knight]

Rx, my last post... I go away and think a bit then want to add a few things. 

I had an aunty (dec) that I was close to

 She lived in Newcastle so we didn't see her much but when I got my 1st car I visited her. I asked her about her partner, if she fell in love. Both aged around 65yo and together a few years.

"In love ha! (She said), not at all, but he ticks most of the decent boxes and he needs looking after, he's never boiled an egg or operated a washing machine"

So, there is an example of how imo many older couples cohabitate for mutual benefit.  In their view falling in love if for when you were young, seeking a soul mate was too hard work and unlikely to succeed. So being realistic they seek out how to make life better than being alone.

The question is, is that person compatible as a good friend living under the same roof?

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Thanks for that T always appreciated.

But yeah just on the aunt thing yeah , hear that a bit as people get older. don;t you

Gf ex was far far more we both got v lucky l felt bc we weren;t that age but l just felt a real second shot of love after both divorcing was just lucky , lucky for anyone any age, lucky to find it once in life l say many never do let alone a second time.

Not to mention especially me being the weird bugger that l am too though yet someone so alike that also lives exactly the same on top of it again, hell of an ask alone tbh but she fits all that like a glove too mostly. One of the things l'd always loved about us and do really miss, just our living and weird gelling ways.

Your w broke it off eh back when, was she just panicking and sabotaged or ?

But yeah l suppose your right too and l have wondered that with gf now too maybe we just weren't all that after all then.

Mind you, we'd had some fights and l'd broken every peace pipe rule in the book.

That's big big points on compromising though and although l don't expect perfect there is a line l know. ln her case on one hand we're so alike in so many ways but just coping with her in other ways are pretty big things, just all her troubles you know , and the ways that they bring with her. lt's just not stuff you'd normally even be dealing with. l have wondered about that side of things for sure and broke it of once bc of them tbh myself. Should l have been more patient and this and that , more excepting, for sure in some of it l def' should've been. But l feel in others she could've bent a little too.

You know on your question and in what do l have to lose, the time T is my biggest thing, even above emotionally but ofc that is huge too. More time though on us , if it didn;t work out it;s been 6 yrs it's just something we can't get back can we and life ain't getting longer so, yaknow.

Just talking to my brother tonight they've lived 3hrs apart 28yrs broken up 10 times and much much more but yet here they still are. They've out survived me and my ex w and they;re still together but not only they actually seem quite happy. Gf and l had 10x more to work with than they have yet they out survived us too. Bloody depressing.

[white knight]

Rx

Yeh we only dated 3 weeks or so. She broke it off bc we'd known each other 25 years and she was afraid we'd lose our mateship. Years earlier a 7 year relationship on and off countless times she was indecisive. So gave her 12 months to make up her mind, I walked out 12 months to the day. 

A very good relationship shouldn't take this amount of thought. I've noticed over many years those with mental health issues often are lacking the ability to make their mind up, they seem suspended and that is sometimes permanent,  while the partner waits and waits. 

Like pulling teeth

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Yet here you guys are and look at you now eh , better than any mateship, well , for a man and a woman anyway right. Yaknow, wouldn't have thought that could work but there ya go .

Our sitch , yeah , it's been complicated she was in an incomprehensible situation when we first met due to the ex, poor thing and for 3yrs into it and we had to be a state apart all through that but then since too.

Mind you , she would've moved down to mine and committed 5 times over l was the hold up. Finally that all got settled in court but it all really took it's toll on her hence her state now, she went through so much and has still been under all sorts of other pressures since.

She was much different earlier .

But the courts later set her up in her place now and so the LD predicament and so not being able to see ea other like a normal couple or be together long enough at any one time for things to just play out naturally unfortunately.  There'd be none of this if we could've.

l wish.

[white knight]

rx

Commonly called "baggage". A couple get together but one or both has ongoing issues with their ex, be it property, trauma like revenge, children, child support etc. Or personal stuff like mental or physical health problems.  All these while trying to love each other. After a few years of such struggling each individual feels they're getting a raw deal as those issues don't get resolved.

It takes a strong committed love for 2 people to make it through long term

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Yeah for sure and we did too , not too many could've gotten through what we did and what she did , l was really so proud of us both tbh. We both had our serious struggles with it mainly me bc of her situation, but we still got through it.

l saw that as a real testament to us as a whole, it was rough we both went a bit crazy at times but we got through it.

Too me the weirdest thing was that she couldn't see it that way or understand the cause and effects but in theory things should be v different from then on, all that was over now.  Craziest time to quit on it l've thought.

No way my brother and his lady would still be together if not for her persistence

[randomxx]

lt's probably time l did a T and put some time limit on it , her.

Did you tell her you'd give her 12 mths or just kept it in mind and to yourself ?

l forget that detail sorry know you mentioned it somewhere.

[white knight]

Metaphors I use to make sense of some confusing situations (eg search thread - "depression,  a ship on the high seas")

So, I once lived 90 minutes from work and after a while it became arduous in my old Zephyr. So began to dream up ways to make it easier. I considered more comfortable cars with bucket seats, then a v8 on LPG for ease of cruising... then I realised- it would still mean I sat in the car for 90 minutes!

Same with 4wd vehicles. They have a purpose. Grab the most ideal car for comfort and power, if it isn't 4wd... it won't get you far in muddy conditions.

So in respect to relationships, you can watch a lady pass by, imagine living with her etc. She is- attractive,  great personality, playful, cares a lot but she is an alcoholic or gambler or is a cheater. It only takes one major flaw... a flaw that becomes unpassible.

My last 3 long term had the flaws- 1. Indecisive 2. Narcissistic 3. Closet alcoholic, terrible step mum. 

My now wife of 14 years has no major flaws. There are no deal breakers.

I still have the basic belief one should never go backwards... as an old man once told me

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Will do thx for that as always.

You didn't enjoy the driving eh ? l've driven that and more for work at times back when l had jobs, l really liked the driving, but l love driving so, and l see your point.

Dk if she'd still be 90mins, if she could get back to her old self and with some tlc from me, could get back down to 5mins was my thinking- or dreaming.

Do see your point next to and flaws. Hers l was always wary of from day one, it was more just a feeling back then bc l didn't even know her but my feelings are usually right. With her l always worried she wouldn't stick out any hard times but she'd also had what looked like a bit of a track record too- made me even more wary. And l'd call this now that flaw too tbh, exacty what l'd always worried about, sensed with her. That's a huge thing in any marriage isn't is, persistence and some intelligence in working it out

l've never liked backwards either though and admittedly back with her would be just that , that worries me too. 

l could say l've had 3 relationships myself too actually. Apart from a few gf's back teens and early 20s .

First real one was a creation girl , she had that persistence, man she was a tough nut. But she was also as moody as hell and v on off, drove me crazy. She was worse than me back then, and the worst communicater l ever knew to this day, we fought a lot too.

6yrs and l couldn't go through her ways anymore and got out.

2 yrs later met ex w. Man the first 10yrs of us were the best 10yrs of my life. it was so natural comfortable easy, yet never boring still exiting still stimulating none of the stuff with the gf b4 even existed and she was the best communicater l ever knew. She was 7yrs younger than her yet 30yrs more mature. We had a huge life and also made some crook choices, 15-16yrs, it was really taking it's toll and changes in us both, later on 22yrs all up, unfortunately  things just weren't the same anymore.

Then l spent 4yrs on my own getting myself together and focusing on getting my d through too and being the best dad l could.

Then l met someone, most incredible chemistry l'd ever had, even more than ex w back when- But we also fought like hell and it imploded b4 long..

Right then l met gf now she was a lot like ex w in many ways and we just gelled, she was also really understanding and patient about the timing for me and me just needing a bit of time. But there was all her stuff too and also some of her cultural ways were a bit hard to deal with too l found, also caused some troubles. On that though l do blame myself should've been more patient and understanding with all that wasn't easy though a lot of it was so opposite to our ways.

bUt anyway, so here things are now.

lf gf didn't have all her troubles over all though and l also saw this from day one with her too , it could've easily have been like things originally were with ex w, which were just the best and most happiest of times. And we had them too , a lot of them , but her pressures and things going on were always there too and often she was just a mess, couldn't blame her either.

But anyway .

[randomxx]

l dunno. Hoped things could be different now bc her stuff and it was huge stuff is all settled, she's actually in a good situation now it's more just her anxiety getting the better of her these days. We were also actually so much like ex w and l really, on better days so that was a big thing too and showed our true potential.

We've also kind of melted into ea others cultural ways over the yrs to and landed in the middle somehwere these days. That croation gf was born here but gf had only been here 6yrs.

So ldk, l have thought things would be very different now, except although she is free of all that stress now and the rest, but her mh is worse sooo, maybe not.