Fast tracking problems - anti dwelling- identifying the moment

[white knight]

I have, through natural processes, chased methods of how I can more quickly overcome roadblocks in my life. This is fundamentally due to having had a stressed life eg long relationships failing and the grief processes along with them. Over time I've grown less tolerant of that grief and become more desperate to leap frog them onto happier times. This is why I'm sharing this with you as it has saved me from much hurt.

The scenario- A long term relationship begins to fail. You've tried counselling and changes, nothing works. Your partner says they no longer are in love with you. Your natural strategy is save the relationship but you've already tried doing that with counselling... what extra counselling will you both need that would reverse this falling out of love development? Sometimes a partner will hold on forever waiting until all their issues vanish, they rarely ever do. When is the time to be realistic? Well that is subjective but as a rule of thumb there are signs that pop up regularly that tell you it can be saved or cant be saved. Eg both declaring love for each other and acknowledging outside stresses are to blame is a "can be saved" moment. A "I'm not in love with you now" is a "cant be saved" moment. Those phrases may be comments that are regretful and expressing that could go from cant be saved to reconsidering if it can be saved, but this isnt common.

I had a "cant be saved" moment in a past relationship. My partner over many years had manipulated our finances to become the number one controller of our money. I was on an allowance. By this time I wasnt happy about it and felt my easy going demeanour resulted in being taken advantage of. I was earning 3 times her salary but always treat us to equal. Then a lifelong passion arrived- to purchase a special vehicle. That car would be owned by our company so it was a tax incentive... or we pay extra tax, so it was also clever to buy. She was not a car person so rejected the idea. At one point in our discussions she made a statement- "you can have the car but you have to save for it out of your allowance". I worked it out to take 42 years. That night we talked and that moment it "cant be saved" came "well start saving". I've discussed "passions" in other threads but a passion is a burning desire and those without a passion dont have that feeling and cant relate. It was over.

So, making quick decisions saves us from more hurt and dragging out issues- nip it in the bud!. Your thoughts?

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Hi there Tony, hoped you might not know about this spot and l can return the favor bc it's really something.

Free camp at Carpenter Rocks sa.  Just stumbled across it a few days ago as l've been down SA for awhile, was getting too hot up the Murray.

V cute but small ok , town, gorgeous coast though and a great camp ground. Very cruisey and not even overloaded this time of yr .

Cheers

rx

[white knight]

Yes, I know it, camp ground about 40 acres. Small shop there. Very peaceful. 

We liked Kingston SA but Robe didnt have free camps so not our thing. Penola has a camp next to the cemetery, very nice, no ghosts.

Still working on my machine. Last year was a beauty for us and this year will be as good. Very happy.

TonyWK

[randomxx]

Wondering how the machine was going. Nice to hear some happiness is going around too, could use soma that stuff. Last yr wasn't much chop for me l'm afraid, hoping this ones a bit better.

Is that a free camp at Kingston near the pier there ? Although if that was it , it was absolutely crazy packed to the hilt so l wouldn't have stayed anyway but never the less. Robe was literally clogged too couldn't even drive through it. Unfortunately got down here holiday time peak but couldn't be helped. Never been over this way though or heard much about it but l reckon it's a really nice part of the country, l was very surprised. The Sth Australians are onto it though aren't they hey.

Really like this little Carpenter Rocks area and the coast here too and it's surprisingly unpacked too,  unlike the rest atm, been a real relief coming across it.

rx

[randomxx]

Ps, no ghosts would be a bonus right.

Was just wondering , but with how to put it is another thing but yourself being a far more written man than myself hopefully you get what l'm getting at. Could end up a rant in trying so scuse if is.

Happiness though Tony , such an incredible thing you've said there and tbh a really beautiful and encouraging thing to hear too, for someone in my spot these days. Especially with the ups and downs you've had through life it's just so damn cool that you can turn around now and at this stage and age, and feel those things

Sorry got a call l'll come back or l'll lose this if i put it on hold

[randomxx]

Ha, she's shopping while she's calling , hate that so l'm back.

Anyway yeah , at this stage late 50s, l just wanna be happy really. l've done so many things myself too , some of it's literally been like a movie , long long story. But then came a divorce and the hardest time of my life, eventually though near 9 yrs over at where l moved to to be with my d . We always said we'd stay if we still liked it later when she'd grown up , or maybe move then or whatever.

So we've decided to move she wants to get out into life and do her thing for awhile and l just wanna settle but somewhere else. Finish work , well l have now, and just be done.

But now with gf ex not working out, ldk. l've always been married or in a relationship but now here l am. So l suppose the moving somewhere else looks like it'll be solo and maybe life to , who knows l guess.

ln many ways l've felt so blessed but maybe love has used up all it's chances now, don't know but l sort of feel without that l'll be just existing but maybe that is the way it goes.

To feel how your feeling though , to be able to say what you've said, live it feel it, would though be so nice and really it's all l want from here now.

l suppose though maybe l need to be prepared for things going either way

l've heard many stories of people re'finding love later in life many even far far older than my age now, whether it happens again for me though who knows.

But much thinking lately and about things from here now, and of just wanting to just be happy in whatever the form. Just how do we go about it though apart from my plans

l know the area l wanna move to and it works great for my d too, been designing my house, not that it's any great mansion or anything far from actually, l only want compact and simple and nice. Getting rid of my cabin and all other complications and stressors, l only want simplify and minimal. But that's about all there is to it really.

Some happiness would be a nice bonus too though, any thoughts ?

rx

[white knight]

Rx

Everyone's version of happiness varies but knowing myself very well now happiness includes-

• Financial comfort
• A caring partner.. in love a bonus but compatibility essential
• I remarried at 55yo. That's good but if my wife and I hadn't pursued each other I would have female friends not a partner. She's special but the risk of another failed relationship would be unbearable. 
• I need a toy. It's been model airplanes, old cars now another trike and has to be unique. 
• I can't bare the thought of living like everyone else.
• Removal of politics in my thoughts. They're all as bad as each other... promises promises
• Removal of toxic people.
• Variety- a typical day can include- cooking, tinkering, dog walks, but also have an interest in fashion... I might one day design and make a dress for my wife!
• Caravanning
• Beyondblue. The champion role fits in with my need to help others.

So all of the above are finally in place and my mental health has stabilised. 

If I was in your situation I'd camp near the town I want to settle and find a new girlfriend. They're out there...

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Thanks v much Tony much appreciated . Yaknow, , l have brothers married yrs and have known a few people in all kinds of lives and views , but not really anyone that kinda fits mine . This is why l've talked to you bc although we're probably very different people in many ways but you've also had huge ups and downs and changes and so have l. Most of mine don't fit anyone else l know they've had totally different lives to me but so although say ours are different things, there's also many similarities even if at the same time also different.

But yeah l guess so and funny you suggest that about where l wanna move to bc l figured l might do just that actually when l finish the cabin off. Just gotta fix it up to sell that off too. The tenants moving out supposedly next few wks, might head back stay there a bit finish that off then yeah , head over to the new area even if in a van for awhile.

Ha , maybe l should eh , shop for a woman too as well as a property, got a nice ring to it eh.

Funny about interests too.

l came in up on the Murry one day, left the kayak sitting there, looked up 10 mins later and it was gone. When the levels half reasonable you really wanna bring any boats or toys up onto the bank properly don't you eh , so my yak sailed of into the sunset on it's very own Murray trip. Asked a few of the speed boats if they'd seen it , they laughed it'll be 20k away by now could be anywhere. So gonna need a new one of those for starters. But yeah there's other stuff too , l've always had things going on or been into different things.  So l'm glad to hear it helps a lot bc sometimes l've thought enough already butttt, maybr not.

Your not wrong about politics though or toxic either, that is for sure , plus a few other things l just won't bother going there with anymore, it all really does help doesn't it. Especially when you watch other people still torturing themselves with it all right , but nope not for me.

Anyway, thanks again for that Tony, lots of food for thought.

All the best.

rx

[randomxx]

Certainly hear you on that another relationship risk though too.

Have thought much about that since my marriage and to even go there in any form with gf ex now was a huge thing for me. Women are so damn brave when it comes to trying again though and jumping in , she understood but it was also just ahhh, so if we don;t work out what can we do , partly her cultural ways in that too. But it wasn't as cut and dry for me no way, so l never was fully in and kind of blocked and in self preservation mode with her all through. There were just things, and now as it's turned out thank God l was or this would've been effecting me far far worse and would've been the last for sure.

rx

[randomxx]

Taking leafs out of the original idea of this thread itself and things we've all talked about through it earlier.

l must admit l have kept reverting back to gf now ex and the thoughts of us and what if's and the maybe this maybe that.

We still call and message all the time but l've let it go bc l don't mind the company right now l must admit and neither does she.But it's probably not healthy l'd guess at the end of the day. l have backed away a few times but she's usually just called out of the blue later on and maybe l should've been stronger, still making up my mind on that one. Not easy though especially with the way we just talk so easily, pretty well the same as we always have , we get along so damn well on the phone and messaging and often the same together too, think so alike feel so the same about huge things in life. lt's often like we're one person or as she says soul yet she's from the other side of the world.

Admittedly though in person her MH things are also far far more real and evident. Far far harder to deal with, that's the thing.

l keep trying to remind myself of all that. She's a good woman , a v v rare one , with a beautiful heart, but she kind of just accepts and gives into herself and MH, instead of trying to control and repair it that's the problem. Says she can't, there's nothing she can do it is what it is and all the meds have either just made her even worse or changed her whole self or haven't done anything much at all so she's given up on them too.

Same with counseling and shrinks 6 or 7 yrs of those and she still comes home in the same ways swearing about how useless it all is.

l could've worked with it , helped a bit , except how can you do that when she still thinks it's all just doomed and she's unhelpable and so you end up just drained  over and over but it just goes on as if you've done nothing.

Only yesterday she's going on yet again of how it's just hereditary her mums 80 and has been the same all her life , her brother , this and that and this and that and there's nothing she can do it'll only all get worse for her she's just doomed.

We've had that convo 100 times and she's so very different to her family though and especially her mum , she's totally different , but she just blocks it all and won't hear of it.

Reading back l realize we've talked about it all in other ways but the same too here.

Bc it's like you've said all through Tony , unfortunately it still basically comes back and down to well what will you do about it now then, what do you want, will/can anything change but the trouble is the answers even more than ever still the same and she's doomed and that's that. Mind you , a lot of the time and even she admits, she does just talk shyt too gets all self pitying but even tells me l should just take it with a grain of salt.

Being 1400k apart though coupled with the problems of me staying at hers bc the sort of set up it is there , it's near impossible to even just see ea other now in person to just be and just see. Well l've been kind of thinking maybe we just should and we could still work something out but again coming back to things we talked about here- shouldn't that want come from her now ?

l mean she dumps us saying how doomed she is - l can't bring myself to suggest it bc l think it should come from her too seems as she was always coming out with the same shyt.

Butttt, with all the talking we've done since and seems as we're still around and feelings are v obviously still there, we probably should just see ea other and just see.

But ldk , as l say , can't bring myself to even suggest it. Mind you , she has been v interested in me moving lately and the new place and all that.

l wouldn't go as far as to call it a give it one more go thing bc she could be anything in person atm once again - not to say that she wouldn't be loving she would be but the anxiety and necroticness, pity party, could be worse than ever.

But l have thought it could help either way and if it was no go there'd finally be some closure and so hopefully some acceptance .

Scuse the rant, not sure how much sense any of it will make it's just that l must admit , any moving on has been a bit on the confusing side of late. Still in touch cert doesn't help but l just haven't been able to decide on letting it fully go or when l have she calls. Bugger knows when l'm trying to sign off.

rx

[white knight]

Rx

The question is- do you have anything to lose?. Emotionally, financially, confusion etc

When I dated my wife 14 years ago she broke it off. A few days passed, she rang to chat. I told her I'm after my soul mate or nobody. "Breaking it off is fine, it means we aren't possible soul mates". We'll we immediately got back together. 

I'm not a believer of relationships by compromise. Too much compromise and you're living on hope, often exploding her good points and ignoring her bad points... a relationship oftolerane rather than a relationship of natural continuous ease.

TonyWK