Fast tracking problems - anti dwelling- identifying the moment

[white knight]

I have, through natural processes, chased methods of how I can more quickly overcome roadblocks in my life. This is fundamentally due to having had a stressed life eg long relationships failing and the grief processes along with them. Over time I've grown less tolerant of that grief and become more desperate to leap frog them onto happier times. This is why I'm sharing this with you as it has saved me from much hurt.

The scenario- A long term relationship begins to fail. You've tried counselling and changes, nothing works. Your partner says they no longer are in love with you. Your natural strategy is save the relationship but you've already tried doing that with counselling... what extra counselling will you both need that would reverse this falling out of love development? Sometimes a partner will hold on forever waiting until all their issues vanish, they rarely ever do. When is the time to be realistic? Well that is subjective but as a rule of thumb there are signs that pop up regularly that tell you it can be saved or cant be saved. Eg both declaring love for each other and acknowledging outside stresses are to blame is a "can be saved" moment. A "I'm not in love with you now" is a "cant be saved" moment. Those phrases may be comments that are regretful and expressing that could go from cant be saved to reconsidering if it can be saved, but this isnt common.

I had a "cant be saved" moment in a past relationship. My partner over many years had manipulated our finances to become the number one controller of our money. I was on an allowance. By this time I wasnt happy about it and felt my easy going demeanour resulted in being taken advantage of. I was earning 3 times her salary but always treat us to equal. Then a lifelong passion arrived- to purchase a special vehicle. That car would be owned by our company so it was a tax incentive... or we pay extra tax, so it was also clever to buy. She was not a car person so rejected the idea. At one point in our discussions she made a statement- "you can have the car but you have to save for it out of your allowance". I worked it out to take 42 years. That night we talked and that moment it "cant be saved" came "well start saving". I've discussed "passions" in other threads but a passion is a burning desire and those without a passion dont have that feeling and cant relate. It was over.

So, making quick decisions saves us from more hurt and dragging out issues- nip it in the bud!. Your thoughts?

TonyWK

[white knight]

Rx

Your posts I enjoy reading because I identify when you dwell, and with respect, it reminds me if my 1st wife mother if my kids, a v.lazy cruel person that after struggling 11 years made my one and only attempt. I left one week later. After 3 months alone in a caravan park I dropped off my young daughters on a Sunday night and spoke to a caravan neighbour in the c.park.

I was considering returning but he said those words "never go backwards"... I told him the only motivation was that my loss of my full time fatherhood was too much to bare. He stared at me "you've answered your own question. " (eg you not only go backwards but you don't return to a cruel woman because you miss the kids).. And so began my direction in minimalising dwelling. It was hard, 40 years I'd been either dwelling or listening to dwelling. My now estranged mother would talk for hours to a neighbour then I'd hear her expecting her to come home only to realise she went to another neighbour to repeat what she told the other one. Then major upsets like inheritance conflict she's go over the same topics every breakfast. Repeat, repeat. 

When my brother took his life at 26yo (left a note) she spun stories to everyone about how he died, all stories except the real one and expected us to lie like she was. 4 months of that was just too much, I exploded. I would lie no more. Two relatives in 2018 in QLD we visited and they had believed my brother slipped and hit his head! So for 40 years they believed a lie.

So, you'd understand why I took on the challenge of -anti dwelling. To become decisive took new rules, study on how to "move on" and most importantly for me- research why my mother was the way she was. The latter was found in the book - walking on eggshells by Dr Christine Lawson.

TonyWK 

[randomxx]

Thanks for that T as always.

But yeah have seen right through you've done so much thought and work and changes through life, corrections and whys. But you know what, that's why l see where your with in just life and your w now and all of it since, just so damn inspiring.

Me l've always believed and have found with myself in reality too it's paid off many times through life, that if we do the right thing by ourselves, our true selves, then life can fall into the places it's meant to and work it's magic in the direction it's meant to be.

Only problem is even if we are strong enough to be that way as best we can, sometimes the lines are a bit blurry though and that's when it gets tricky.

And so you reckon l'm just dwelling on gf but should be going forward instead ha, yep, l've asked myself about that too a few dozen times lately- it's been one of those blurry moment lines though that's been the problem.

Ya know what though, l think it'll all pan itself out anyway with my trip atm and just in time.  This has been some beautiful time to just have a damn good rest and to clear my head and of all things life.

Matter of fact, l'm starting to wonder why people even bother buying a bloody house especially these days tbh.

Thre's a lot of older couples floating about in vans isn't there. Often wonder if that's their life too or are they just on a holiday, they do often seem so very content l know that much and l can see why too.

rx