Egg men

[white knight]

Ive met a lot of men in my life through mainly my work in areas like prisons, ADF, dog ranger, crowd control and investigations.I've seen the best in men and the worse.

So its understandable for me to pigeon hole men into good and bad, hardened and soft, violent (includes potentially violent) and anti violent, narcissistic and low ego, untrustworthy and faithful and so on.

It is apparent to me now at an older age that many women especially those with a violent past at the hands of men, that they are fearful of men in total. Yet clearly this is unrealistic. Just as it would be of men to label all women manipulative or dramatic.

Yet that what can happen with a mind under abuse and damaged. The traits, mannerisms, low voice, muscular frame of men could be a trigger for a victim.

I worked in security. I had over 80 workmates including 8 females. Clearly the colleagues I got along best with were the females as their ego wasnt present. The men with little ego would inflate it when other men arrived but due to my insight I could detect the yolk inside the egg. They werent as tough as they portrayed. It would be harder for a female to conclude this I'd suspect.

The contrasts dont end there. But my point is that the inner core of many egg men is soft, compassionate and kind. This knowledge can help you give, the benefit of the doubt with some conversations.

Equally so the inner female can be so different to the outer one.

What I find beneficial is to try to tap into that soft core. Dig deep enough and you'll strike marsh mellow. Once there dont stay long! Its not a comfort zone most men enjoy being in. We dont like to portray being a flower. The stigma is in the DNA. The male protector wont be gone for some time yet.

Thankfully females are expecting less and less of our masculinity and seeking qualities like loyalty and monogamous ways.

The shell of the egg is hard. Seek the soft side within by gentle techniques and...the benefit of the doubt.

Can you comment on your experience with the soft dide of men?

Associated threads (google)

Topic: boys and their toys, a woman annoyed- beyondblue

Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue

Topic: relationship strife? the peace pipe- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Just Sara]

Hey Tony...interesting thread topic;

I'm not sure exactly what you're getting at, though I suspect it's to do with identifying each man's softer side to help give a more rounded look at them?

As an abused woman on many occasions, I've learned there has to be balance when assessing if a man (or woman) is capable of violence or abuse.

Identifying their softer side is something I know plenty about, as it was one of my default programs to ignore a person's bad side. It was part of my childhood environment to get thru each day without going mad. He stayed, and stayed and everyone looked as though that was ok.

If I acknowledge his positive attributes, I don't have to deal with the 'other' side. It took many hrs of therapy to identify this in myself. Every man has his good self, though I must say, the late Charlie Manson is off that list in my book.

What I'm saying, is that women like myself need to acknowledge and recognise when a man shows signs of being an abuser, even in the slightest way. Women who haven't been abused, will run for the hills if they're treated with disrespect. But us poor abused softies, have to learn this trait.

I'm ultra sensitive to a man's 'gifts'. I see their brilliance, empathy, intelligence and charisma for instance, and often let them know. I trust this ability totally because I'm right more times than I'm wrong.

If I was told by someone to look out for 'him', I'd play it down by adding up all his good points. But...it only takes one hit to undo all the good. He could be like Mother Teresa and I'd still see his presence in my life as a cancer.

I don't know if I'm opposing your synopsis or agreeing with it tbh. I just know that only seeing a man's soft side can go horribly wrong.

Please discuss Tony if I'm off the mark.

Sez

[white knight]

Hi Sez,

Mmm, bit confusing isnt it? Lol

Im more trying to say that the non abusing nice guy, the traditional gentleman, father, uncle, neighbout that abhors violence can still come across as a hardened man, something for women and some men to feel frightened of when realistically many are soft underneath. This softness often is never tapped as somtw women dont know there is a soft centre. Its a treasure hunt.

Based on that I agree that for a female to - ". I just know that only seeing a man's soft side can go horribly wrong" ---for sure, thats a trap.

I had a name for my manuscript once called "grey men with smiling faces" it depicted my growing up trusting any man over 50yo with grey hair. If they gave me their approval by smiling I was on cloud 9. Knowing what I know now I was vulnerable. I can only imagine the risks for some.

Im concerned for abused young women or older that were abused when young. The men out there that condemns such treatment are ashamed of them, I cant stand them. I watch the news about the latest Hollywood creeps and so want to do something about it.

So ladies out there that have been abused. Many men are on your side. We might come under the male umbrella but they arent men. Predators dont deserve that tag.

Tony WK

[monkey_magic]

" So ladies out there that have been abused. Many men are on your side."

I love this, thankyou

[Just Sara]

Thanks heaps for clarifying that Tony;

You're right of course. There are good men out there hiding their softness. I knew an older gentleman a few yrs back (now deceased) who was a gentleman's gentleman. (to me) I loved him to tears as he represented a by-gone era of respect and gentleness for women. I felt safe and treasured by him.

One warm evening while we were chatting out the back of his home, he made a sexualised comment; for him anyway. It was slight and probably would've gone unnoticed by others, but my radar went 'ping!' and my guts churned.

I must disclose he was in the throws of Alzheimer's so the comment was probably from his youth. Even though, for me, I couldn't look at him the same after that. I had the fear bug.

I cried a fountain at his funeral but seemed the only one. He was from a time when toughness held ground with other men and the times. (war) I knew him as a gentle, loving, unwell and intelligent grandfather figure.

What this represents, is 'my' issue; it wasn't about him. I'm ultra sensitive to any slight that may show signs of, well, anything that may harm me. It doesn't say he or any man who talks with his libido is an abuser.

You've helped me to recognise Tony, my view that 'all' men are capable of harming a woman, is indeed marred by 'my' history, and not the truth. Thankyou...

You're one of the good guys; I'm honoured to know you.

Sez xo