Early Sobriety, Anxiety and Depression even worst!!

[Lizzyloulou]

Hi

I’m 32 years old and grew up in a household where my two younger brothers were idolised by my dad as they were good at sports and I was put down for being an academic and shy or not having any confidence and was told I was fat

I was also bullied at school and always felt like an outsider

My mum always had my back. still does

I remember from a young age feeling awkward, nervous, not good enough ect. Fast forward to my teenage years and I quickly gained a liking for alcohol as it was the only thing that made me feel normal and that I could talk to people and come out of my shell.

Ive abused alcohol since the age of 15, always drinking more than others at parties ect. Using it to relieve social anxiety. Started everyday drinking from 16/17 onwards. Got into a relationship at 18 with a man 20 years older than me with 4 kids and was with him for 12 years, 9 years solid then the other 3 were on and off. We’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

when I left him at 27 my drinking escalated and I seemed to cross some invisible line where there was no turning back to normal drinking.

I ended up drinking anywhere between 2-4 bottles a day for the next 5 years besides the times I’ve been in inpatient rehab, which has been 4 x over the last 5 years.

im 40 days sober today but I feel nearly worst then what I did mentally and emotionally then when I was drinking. Physically I feel better I’m not vomiting every morning and then waiting for the bottleshop to open.

My negative self talk/beliefs are horrible. I haven’t got a job, I have social anxiety, I have GAD, I worry about absolutely everything. I really want to finish with the alcohol this time but I’m having extreme anxiety about even leaving my house, thinking all the what ifs. I’ve never even had a job interview in my life as I worked for my ex.

i have no motivation, I’ve been reading lots of self help books and I am spiritually minded. I try to keep faith that I will somehow start to feel good about myself but I feel like I live in constant fear of life and since I’ve stopped drinking I don’t have a crutch to allow me to escape my thoughts or myself.

i am proud of myself for making it this far.

I want some friends, I don’t want to feel alone. But I’m scared to try new things on my own. I’ve done it before in the past but I’ve lost it atm. Also I have a massive fear about running into people I know in public and that’s always on my mind when I do leave my house and raises my anxiety as well.

Can anyone relate?

[Lizzyloulou]

Thanks Rosy1,

I definitely agree that binge drinking is a huge issue, especially in Australia. It’s nearly expected of teens to start out abusing alcohol. I was an everyday drinker then I would have episodes of bingeing for 4-5 days then pull up then the merry go round would continue

How are you managing now?

[Lizzyloulou]

Hi Mummakins,

thank you for your reply.

A massive congratulations on being 10 years sober!

I honestly know that alcohol has no place in my life but in all honesty I’m struggling doing life without a horrible coping tool.

I always have a level of anxiety going on in my body, I’ve been depressed and have been isolating from the world.

I want friends and to be social but then I’m scared to get outside of my comfort zone and do it.

My mind is my biggest problem. There’s constant negative mind chatter - for example, how am I ever going to meet someone with my mental health issues, being an introvert as well as a non drinker, i have no friends, I’m going to be alone, what if I never get a job, I don’t fit in in normal society, blah blah blah. My head doesn’t shut up. I guess it’s had a cork in it literally for 17 years.

Im looking into hypnosis

I was even looking into shock therapy I was getting that desperate and feeling like I was going mad literally within my own mind.

Ive started meditation, morning and night and that’s really been helping me relax. I just feel like I have no motivation or purpose to life and it scares me. I know at the end of the day only I can make these things happen.

Sorry for the ramble, I lost and just looking for answers.

If anyone can relate or share something that has helped them on their journey I would be very grateful 🙏