Early Sobriety, Anxiety and Depression even worst!!

[Lizzyloulou]

Hi

I’m 32 years old and grew up in a household where my two younger brothers were idolised by my dad as they were good at sports and I was put down for being an academic and shy or not having any confidence and was told I was fat

I was also bullied at school and always felt like an outsider

My mum always had my back. still does

I remember from a young age feeling awkward, nervous, not good enough ect. Fast forward to my teenage years and I quickly gained a liking for alcohol as it was the only thing that made me feel normal and that I could talk to people and come out of my shell.

Ive abused alcohol since the age of 15, always drinking more than others at parties ect. Using it to relieve social anxiety. Started everyday drinking from 16/17 onwards. Got into a relationship at 18 with a man 20 years older than me with 4 kids and was with him for 12 years, 9 years solid then the other 3 were on and off. We’ve been broken up for 3 years now.

when I left him at 27 my drinking escalated and I seemed to cross some invisible line where there was no turning back to normal drinking.

I ended up drinking anywhere between 2-4 bottles a day for the next 5 years besides the times I’ve been in inpatient rehab, which has been 4 x over the last 5 years.

im 40 days sober today but I feel nearly worst then what I did mentally and emotionally then when I was drinking. Physically I feel better I’m not vomiting every morning and then waiting for the bottleshop to open.

My negative self talk/beliefs are horrible. I haven’t got a job, I have social anxiety, I have GAD, I worry about absolutely everything. I really want to finish with the alcohol this time but I’m having extreme anxiety about even leaving my house, thinking all the what ifs. I’ve never even had a job interview in my life as I worked for my ex.

i have no motivation, I’ve been reading lots of self help books and I am spiritually minded. I try to keep faith that I will somehow start to feel good about myself but I feel like I live in constant fear of life and since I’ve stopped drinking I don’t have a crutch to allow me to escape my thoughts or myself.

i am proud of myself for making it this far.

I want some friends, I don’t want to feel alone. But I’m scared to try new things on my own. I’ve done it before in the past but I’ve lost it atm. Also I have a massive fear about running into people I know in public and that’s always on my mind when I do leave my house and raises my anxiety as well.

Can anyone relate?

[Lonelydan]

Hi Lizzy, Welcome to the forums. Congratulations On 40 days sober after reading your post I’m so proud of you, that must’ve been so hard you’re stronger than you think. So your brothers chased after a ball and got your fathers attention while you’ve got your mothers. I would much prefer to be smarter than a ball chaser. It’s probably a good thing that relationships over. It’s gonna take some time to adjust after all those years of drinking so much, to see and think clearly the adjustment you’re going through is expected. Please don’t start again there’s no such thing as a successful alcoholic or drug addict. I think it’s important if you start a new relationship it’s best with someone your own age do you think this last relationship was a father figure. It’s time for self discovery Maybe just being focused on yourself being a little selfish nothing wrong with that. Put yourself first love yourself and only allow quality people in your life that you know that are good for you. Dan..

[Lizzyloulou]

Thanks for the reply Dan,

I really liked your reply it made me look at things that have happened in a different light and perspective.

I would much rather have mums attention then dads, he’s been a pretty poor excuse for a father. Made me feel really crap about myself and that makes me sad when I see the way one of my younger brothers treats his daughter, like a princess.

i definitely think the relationship with my ex was a father figure and child relationship. He chased me for a long time and I’ll never forget when he said that he’d take care of me, that sealed the deal for me.

I became like a mother or should I say sister/nanny to his kids. I formed a close bond with his 2 youngest. We still have contact now.

I agree, I can’t go back to the alcohol. I’ve onky just now had the epiphany that if I start drinking again that everything is still there. It’s just oil on water. I feel really strong this time, without the help of rehab. It makes it harder because your in cotton wool in there and not exposed to bottle shops or anywhere that serves alcohol which is practically everywhere when you go out for lunch or dinner.

Im feeling better today, I’ve had a cold so when I read my post yesterday it was definitely heavier than what im feeling today.

Im trying to stay positive that something will give and things will fall into place in my life. I know I need to put action into place as well tho, it won’t just fall into my lap, as nice as that would be lol

My self talk is the biggest thing I need to work on as that can exasperate my depression. If I get up first thing in the morning instead of laying in bed I feel better.

The thought of having a relationship overwhelms be but it is something I eventually want as i do want to have a child/children. That’s something my ex wouldn’t do. I think I’ve got a better chance of meeting someone being sober than if I keep drinking. Plus I was scared I was going to die eventually from all the damage I was doing to my organs. I’m sure my liver is extremely happy lol

besides me how r u? Tell me about urself. Thanks again for your reply, it made me not feel so alone and brightened my spirit 🌟 Liz

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Lizzyloulou,

Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for posting and reaching out. And, well done too for getting 40 days up of sobriety!!! That's awesome!

I must ask though, and would like to suggest; have you been to any AA meetings? I know that you said you have some significant anxiety, and it feels as though it's getting worse, but let me tell you, without the tranquilizing effects of alcohol, then yes, you will feel things a lot more. That is perfectly normal.

The thing is that I know if I had've tried to beat/overcome my own alcohol addiction on my own, I never would have made it. I have been sober, and going to regular frequent AA meetings for 22 years now, and I can tell you that being part of a 12-step fellowship is pretty much the best part of my life. It's like I've found my tribe; my alien mother ship!

I too drank from the age of 15 (to age 26) in order to feel 'normal' and to 'fit in'. I come from a great family where there was no abuse or violence, but I did have some trauma as a kid - sexual abuse by an uncle, and bushfires in which we were trapped in a burning building and we lost everything. It was awful. And when I saw that s couple of drinks that my parents had seemed to relax them, I got it into my head that booze was the answer to all my problems ........ but it certainly wasn't. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. I never thought someone like me would become an alcoholic. But then, I also never dreamed that sobriety would be so good! I was terrified too of going to meetings, thinking "What if someone sees me?" But then, as they said at AA, "Wouldn't you rather be seen doing something about a problem, than not? Better to be doing that, than being seen stumbling down the street or falling off a bar stool."

Going to AA and getting the help and support from others who understand and have been there, is truly amazing. If you would like to know more, go to www.aa.org.au ....

If you want to know where your next nearest meeting is, and you don't need to book in, you can just turn up, then go to www.aameetings.org.au .....

And if you would like to talk to an AA member, just call 1300 AA AA AA (or 1300 22 22 22) anytime.

And again, well done on your 40 days! Take care, and let me know how you go! Help and hope could be just around the corner. xo

[Lizzyloulou]

Hey Soberlicious,

thanks for your reply.

Yes I have been to lots of AA meetings. I have been in inpatient rehab 4 times over the last 5 years.

I never really took to AA as I didn’t like the idea of sharing ect and other certain things but I agree with what your saying about connecting and finding your tribe as I do feel quite alone and it would be nice to talk to someone that is going through the same things as me as people without the problem don’t get it and I don’t expect them to

I have looked up the list of local meetings in my area and just haven’t had the courage to go - as yet. My anxiety has just started settling down as you know the first 30 days are hard. I don’t know how I’ve done it.

I am thinking of going again, I know it can’t hurt. I always make plans the night before then the time comes then I chicken out.

i know with fear you just have to do it and the more often the easier it becomes.

Ive got a cold atm so I think when I’m better i will check a meeting out close to home then possibly venture out. 😊

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Lizzy,
When you say you don’t like the idea of sharing, I can’t help but notice that you’re actually already doing that on here! I know it’s in a different format, but nonetheless you are still sharing!
And I can promise you that if I knew you were attending a meeting near me, then I would suggest that we could meet up for a coffee, or in my case I like a frappe, before or after the meeting. One of my local meetings is right near McDonalds so we could/would meet there beforehand!
Maybe if you worked on building some friendships with other sober people then it will be easier to maintain and grow in your sobriety than trying to go it alone. After all, that’s exactly what the fellowship is there for; to connect with others in the same boat. AND to help reduce the likelihood/temptation of relapse when trying to go it alone. You don’t have to bare your soul. After all, healthy relationships of all kinds develop slowly.
And yes, as you said, “you just have to do it and the more often the easier it becomes” Practice practice practice is what makes something and/or someone become great.
Alcoholics Anonymous broken down is simply this (in an acronym): A Life Centred On Helping Others Live In Contented Sobriety. And we do it Anonymously. Or, put more simply, we help you and you help us. Even when you don’t know you’re helping!
And as for the ‘other things’ that you don’t like about AA or the fellowship; perhaps you could tell me more about those? Maybe I can help with that too? I don’t have all the answers for all the things, but I’m happy to help where I can.
Sobriety may not be easy, but it’s better than the alternative. Too many of the people that I drank with, didn’t even make it to 50.
Sorry, I know I sound quite serious about it all, but it IS a serious condition. And a very patient one at that.
Anyway, whatever it is that will work for you to grow and maintain your sobriety, please don’t stop searching until you have found it. I would hate to think of yet another person becoming a statistic of some sort. Recovery IS possible, and YOU ARE worth it. In the meantime, you can keep coming back here to Beyond Blue for as long as you like. Take care. I’ll be thinking of you. xo

[Lizzyloulou]

I think what put me off AA was just some of the old timers saying some really negative stuff. While I know there’s a lot of truth in what their saying it kind of put the fear of god into me.

i think I will try again with AA just to connect with people that are wanting to be sober & I need to feel connected because I’m feeling very disconnected from the world.

Im currently only working a couple of half days cleaning so I’m not getting enough socialisation and can feel myself withdrawing more.

Ill still go out on the weekends to markets ect with my mum but I’m definitely feeling lost and disconnected.

I was thinking of volunteering at an op shop to give me something to do and help me get out of my mind because at times it’s driving me insane and feeding me all these negative things about myself.

Its sad how were programmed to believe that nearly every social activity we do with friends has to involve alcohol then feels very foreign when we don’t drink.

I really want some motivation back.I think One of my main issues amongst many is my very poor self image. It’s something I need to work on. I know I deserve a better life then hiding behind a bottle to numb my feelings of unworthiness, boredom, lack in my life ect.

Also in regards to sharing, when you have to share in AA compared to writing in the forums on BB it’s bloody scary with a room full of people looking at u. I’ve done it a few times before & in rehab your forced to share.

Ok I’ll wrap this up

thanks anyone for reading ❤️

[Soberlicious96]

Yeah, I hear you. I used to hear an older sober member say that sharing in meetings can feel as though you're a raw naked little onion, standing in the middle of the MCG with 100,000 pairs of eyes looking at you. I get it. It's terrifying.

And yes, unfortunately there are those that will go on and on with their 'drunkalogue' and not talk enough about recovery and the beauty and benefits of the steps working in their lives. I must admit, even I get put off when I hear someone with 20 or 30 years get up and rabbit on about their drinking for 10 minutes, and then in the last minute or so of their share say "oh yeah, but it's all great now and I'm doing great now and thanks for listening!" It makes me think 'Really? but how do you GET to the great part?'

As for the volunteering in an opp shop or something, that's a great idea! I actually did that too in my early days! It was a little Red Cross Card and Gift shop and I loved it! Volunteer work is GREAT for your soul, and really can give you a feeling of purpose. I know that for me, it gave me a feeling of structure and usefulness.

The other thing I agree with is that yes, it can certainly be less confronting writing posts to an online forum, rather than standing in a roomful of people watching you. I love, love, LOVE that 'tool' of being able to write stuff out, rather than talk it out ...... sometimes. Not all the time. There are certainly times when I really need a face to face catch up. Although I also (these days) don't really mind standing up to talk in front of the group ..... mind you, I have been doing it for a long time now, so I guess I'm just used to it.

Anyway, I'm enjoying reading your posts. Talking with others about this stuff actually helps me too! Makes have that feeling of being useful and helpful ..... which is great, because when I drank, I felt useless and hopeless. So yeah, if you're happy to just keep this thread going for as long as you want, then I'm certainly happy to keep responding. Enjoy your Saturday night. Til next time. xo

[Mummakins]

Hi Lizzyloulou

Congratulations on you 40 + sobriety. That is something to celebrate.

I used to use alcohol to self medicate and once I had a drink I couldn’t stop. I decided I needed to stop after advice from my GP and psychologist.

I suffer from Major depression, Anxiety, OCD and PTSD - long term. My ex was controlling, manipulative and at work his nickname was the smiling assassin.

I was away at the time and was due to go back home, but decided to try to stop drinking. Anyway somehow I succeeded and stopped for 2 plus years.

What you say about society and needing alcohol to socialise is correct. Just look at the tv ads and tv shows.

My eldest son, when at Secondary school he was in a group who would get together and socialise but not drink. When they turned 18 they started having parties with alcohol. It struck me at the time ( I was 1 year sober) it was expected by society. These kids had a great time socialising with no alcohol why did they feel the need to introduce alcohol now.

society is conditioning them to drink.

I started drinking and smoking around 15. I quit smoking 26 years ago and drinking 10 years ago.

What has helped was the support I received and I got divorced.

Keep up up the good work. You can do it!!

[Rosy1]

I started abusing alcohol at an early age, I excused it as a normal part of being a teenager and then a University student. People often do not clearly see binge drinking as a form of alcohol abuse too, but it honestly is. I used a head injury after being hit by a car as a pedestrian as an excuse to give up alcohol cold turkey for a year - not sure who I was trying to fool more, myself or others!! I have been back to drinking and then given it up a few times. I have been completely alcohol free again since November last year. It definitely gets easier with time for me, but then a situation out of the blue something will crop up and I will end have a drink thinking it is not a big deal etc., however, for me it just is.

Well done for being 40+ days sober, it is a seriously huge feat. Be kind to yourself and keep trying, no matter what, you are seriously amazing for taking this truly enormous step!!