Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[Guest_1584]

Although there has been changes in me over the yrs that l'm quite pleased with as compared to younger yrs - there's also been stand stills and even backwards in other ways that tbh , l'm pretty damn disgusted with myself about.

These are serious things that effect the few people in my life l love and very dearly , yet l still mess up. Just about ready to give up on even still bothering to fix them tbh, but l can't do that bc of those people.. So unfortunately the few things l do seem to be doing better in these days, really don't carry much weight bc l'd swap any and all of them , just to get these other things right.

rx

[mmMekitty]

Hello Elizabeth CP, a pleasure to see you again. 😺

I don't suppose I will ever be free of the opinions of others or able to detach how I feel physically from how I feel psychologically.

It just occurred to me that in the extreme, I could become very self-absorbed & arrogant. & I wouldn't like that - not feeling as I do now.

I think it's highly unlikely I will ever become so into myself as that. I was laying 'what if'.

What I want is to not be so dependant upon the opinions of others. To be able to trust what I feel within myself. To not have pain, illness, altered body shape & ability determine how I feel about myself. & no social status or achievement either.

However, because I do respect the opinions & thoughts of some people, I don't want to ignore these... but I cannot & will not allow everyone's opinions to define me & how I feel about me. Just as I refuse to allow breast cancer & the changes I have had to accept to change how I feel about myself either.

Just musing about this: if I can literally 'like myself', & exploring what aspects of my feelings about myself are the results of what others think. The brief answer seems to be: a whole lot. & I don't like to be so dependant upon the opinions of others. Even the opinions of people I don't know & of people who've treated me badly have had an effect upon how I feel about myself.

Being consciously selective is a great idea. 😺

mmMekitty

[white knight]

Rx

"You're not in this world to live up to others expectations and you're own can be unreachable"

A balanced and good effort should be enough. I'm sure you know that.

Regards

TonyWK

[Amelia02]

Agree it is in “knowing” “being” assertive that the power lies. The behaviour eg what you say is just a symptom/ expression of it. I think people who genuinely are self assured and assertive find themselves less in situations where people try to dominate them so their assertiveness tools like what to say etc don’t have to be utilised.
I think changing from unassertive to assertive is a really hard stage as you aren’t 100% inherently assured of yourself yet and people (over assertive/ potential bullies) try it on. The person realises what is going on, knows they can’t stand for the bullying and stand up for themselves. And then it kicks off.
The thing is to get to knowing your power and repel bullying from the outset.

That is an interesting take on how gender skews things. I can maybe see what you’re saying. It is to some extent acknowledged that patriarchy exists and men have been aggressors so not wanting to be some kind of sexist caveman beast they step back in conflict with women. Perhaps there is some vestige of chivalry too. I do think anger in women is not accepted in society so much with them being characterised as shrews harridans if they do express objection though. Perhaps with men the direction of conflict could be violence and this is totally a no no so they step back there too. This is very back of the envelope philosophising…

[HamSolo01]

Good afternoon/good morning all wherever you are reading this from

I like the direction in which this converastion is going and I again would like to add some points

there is great quote from Carl Jung - "Until you make the unconscious conscious it will guide your life and you will call it fate". He was of the ultimate view that our emotions drive our unconscious mind. I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting and acting on this very principle of late and I feel I have lived 3 months in 3 weeks. Just through various experiences, realisations and even actualisations. Self-actualization is the motive or drive to realize one's full potential while self-realization is the process of fully realizing one's personality.

I have realised in the last few weeks of my life (the 3 months I feel) that both were lacking. Full potential was not realised and fully realising my personality taught me that i have much more to learn - If I can even say that i have fully realised my personality I do not know. All I know is that there are things in the unconscious realm of my being that need to be investigated or else there is a repetition (fate) occuring and THAT is why I end up not liking myself. For example i interview in jobs i actually care for and ruin the chance and hate myself for it. Then I realise I get depressed and avoid anything I care about again. So then a sense of urgency is introduced to sort out the "mess" that I've gotten into, I spiral into thought experiments about how i have no direction etc.

In the end I believe we are complex beings. Being at war with ourselves can yield results we really DO NOT want.

Vis a vie patriarchy - i definitely think I agree with this from Amelia02:

"It is to some extent acknowledged that patriarchy exists and men have been aggressors so not wanting to be some kind of sexist caveman beast they step back in conflict with women. Perhaps there is some vestige of chivalry too. I do think anger in women is not accepted in society so much with them being characterised as shrews harridans if they do express objection though. Perhaps with men the direction of conflict could be violence and this is totally a no no so they step back there too."

There is a much needed explanation of the differential between necessary conflict and unnecessary conflict between men and women and gender relations.

[HamSolo01]

Perhaps as we go through life in our 20s we are destined to make mistakes, have successes and challenge our deeper selves. None of us can avoid it. But we can avoid is looking back on that period of our life and thinking too much on it. I believe I do this a lot because of unresolved conflict within.

Until that is made conscious it will direct my life and I will call it fate

[Guest_1584]

Yeah with men we know this stuff so l've found mostly we tend to settle right down with age in that way, and yeah of course that's what l mean about knowing it could get ugly otherwise too. Not all , there's always someone, but most develop a sort of unspoken mutual respect l've found as we age and can't be bothered with any drama either. You also accept as you come to realize over time that everyone has different ideas and views and yours are yours. it's a nice thing l really like about being male.

Hi Tony and thanks for the thoughts. Nah never been one to bother living up to others whatever , l'm lucky like that These are my own things and expectations. But anyway yeah , we do what we can, we'll never get it all right will we.

rx

[Ggrand]

Hello everyone...

Hans, I think looking back constantly or when triggered is where all the self dislike comes from ...we need to accept what’s happened has happened, we cannot change it but learn from it....then we might feel differently towards ourself...be more compassionate and forgiving ourselves....which hopefully starts a little self like..

Self hate/dislike doesn’t eventuate from the future because we haven’t arrived their as yet...The dislike of ourselves that we feel towards ourselves today (the present)....Its all coming from the past...

If being unassertive or being conditioned your entire life to be another person’s doormat....then trying to learn assertiveness and then using it, with with all the bottled up fear inside...is like getting 100% on a maths test....when you don’t know the first thing about maths.....nearly impossible...

Kind thoughts everyone.

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

The assertiveness thing has been a large issue for me because, as Grandy says, I was raised that way, & then comes school, other families, other people in work places, who also contribute their own expectations, compounding the message, which told me I have no ownership in what I may say or do, no opinions of my own save for what someone else has decided, I must wait to be told... or be punished, ignored, denied, etc...

I've been working on this, on & off, for decades... wondering when I will ever learn this one lesson: I am myself & have my own thoughts, feelings & a right to have these, & furthermore, a right to voice these wants & needs I have.

It's so hard. We continue to make mistakes along the way, seeing more as we grow older, taking a wider view, life seeming ever more complex, until we look again at what we feel inside, who we are deep within, & for me, I think I'm still a child, who wants to be cared for & accepted, who wants people to notice & regard in a positive light. It seems so simple sometimes, too.

mmMekitty

[missep123]

Hi everyone,
I really related to what everyone wrote. I also find that I say sorry to everything! It's a habit of mine to always apologise for something rather than standing up for myself or using more assertive language. This is something that I want to implement in the workplace in future jobs.