Do You Like Yourself? Your Thoughts are Welcome!

[blondguy]

Hello Everybody and new posters especially:-)

I have had anxiety since 1983 and depression from 1997. There is always someone that says 'You have to Love Yourself' before recovery. When people are suffering from anxiety/depression this may be the last 'advice' they really need. This is only my experience when I am 'advised to love myself' to rebuild my life. I have heard the following from people that cant 'love themselves' which is fair enough as I am a person that cant either. Your thoughts will help me and others learn from your point of view. I can only be 'gentle' to myself to heal...not love.

• Why should I love myself if I dont in the first place?
• I am in a dark place, how can I love myself?
• I dont deserve to love myself
• I am depressed...How can I love myself?
• I have mega anxiety attacks..what is there to love about myself?
• I hate myself and what I stand for...why should I?
• I love my partner more...I will care about myself 'later'

When people have depression/anxiety/denial they dont need to be counseled with ' love yourself'. Thats a huge ask.

I dont need to climb Mt Everest by trying to love myself when I cant. It can be an unrealistic and even silly target to achieve having depression

I just prefer to be 'gentle' to myself. Same results and way less stress 🙂 Your thoughts/opinions are more than welcome

Thankyou so much

Paul

[Guest_1584]

Yeah sorry is something that should only be said with mutual respect and when warranted imo.

Being probably an overly empathetic person in younger days l'd always saying sorry even if it wasn't my fault. Even just to put whatever it was to bed with no hard feelings. But yeah , learnt along the way most people just aren't good hearted enough to take that in mutually good faith. Soooo, l rarely say sorry these days and if l read them as one of those they won't be getting one even if it was my fault. A good person that would do they same on the other hand , they'll def' get an apology if things were in any part my fault.

rx

[mmMekitty]

Yes, I've said 'sorry' when I have done nothing to be sorry for.

When 'sorry' is a shortcut to saying how what we have heard, or something which has happened has me feeling sad for the fact of the event or words telling of an event - that's one kind of sorry. It can express our sympathy in a single word.

I've heard 'sorry' spoken with so much insincerity, it makes me angry. Or at least, confused, wondering what they are sorry for.

Some people say 'sorry' for so much so often, the word can loose it's actual meaning, & mean that maybe people have taken on board so much guilt or blame themselves, for so much that is not their fault,

I had said 'sorry' for something once, to my PDr & he asked me what I was saying sorry for? I find that a useful question, when I automatically begin to say 'sorry'. For me, it's like a warding off of anger, trying to keep the person from beginning to yell at me, as if, I say 'sorry' right away, they can't get mad at me & then insist I say sorry for whatever it was... just like when I was a little kid.

...still thinking... so much, thank you everyone. This is what I like. 😺

mmMekitty

[Amelia02]

Hamsolo01: the subconscious is so important, agree. Your conscious mind can decide whatever but it is your subconscious mind that will actually do anything. And they diverge for many. That’s the rub.
When you’re learning assertiveness from being unassertive you may be doing all the right things “on paper” but your subconscious needs to catch up.
Re things in your subconscious, I am of the belief you need to examine things there that are causing problems for you to be able to fix them and move on. CBT has a totally different approach but speaking for myself that doesn’t work for me. To me CBT is like treating the symptoms instead of the cause. I would think that would be like constantly trying to follow a diet/ arbitrary external instructions and be very difficult to sustain.

Grandy: agree self compassion is important.

Missep123: that saying sorry thing all the time has been a problem for me too! I found it especially a problem at work because I just would automatically say it to smooth away any discomfort - usually because I didn’t want others to feel bad about a mistake they’d made (very v rarely was it actually my fault, not meaning to big myself up here). In the workplace I found this went especially badly. Some just take advantage and dump blame on you as they believe it will run, others just from hearing the constant sorrys from you just genuinely start to believe you’re the usual suspect fault maker. Very bad results.

I like lots of people here am working on my assertiveness. I think it is a really really common problem. I looked for a thread specifically about dealing with this but couldn’t find one. If anyone knows of one please give a shout out for the details.

[Amelia02]

Randomx and mmMekitty - Sorry to hear you’ve struggled with this problem too! But I am glad to know others know what I’m talking about! I would get in to a perverted torment in my head about why when I don’t make mistakes but try to always help others do I get dumped on 10x?!?!

randomx - I have been very very empathetic too, always trying to ensure that other’s feelings are ok, before my own even. It’s perverted. Never works out well. You have to take care of yourself before you can care for others.

I remember reading in Pete Walker’s CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving - he had the same problem with saying sorry automatically too much. He said he realised how bad it was when he caught himself saying sorry to a chair he bumped into! I thinks he calls it fawning - something to do similar to how you describe it mmMekitty - to preemptively stave off any abuse that might come down on you.

Man I want to beat this unassertiveness thing!!!

[mmMekitty]

Amelia, why not start a new thread yourself? I haven't noticed any specific thread about assertiveness.

It would fit right in with this 'Staying Well' category we're in now.

*

When I am able to be assertive & state what I want & need , without embelishments, I do feel better about myself. The good feeling in myself does ten to be diminished when the person/people I'm talking to don't hear what I have said, or acknowledge my wants & needs as of worth. i.e, when I feel ignored or dismissed. That's harder to deal with.

mmMekitty

[Guest_1584]

Hi Amelia.

Welllllll, that was a long time ago before l knew better but as l was saying, hasn't been an issue for yrs now though. Sorry needs respect , or it's worthless and wasted. Try and think of it like that.

[HamSolo01]

I have been doing some more thinking and I believe there are things about myself that I do not like. Maybe not myself generally, but just things.

IT comes out at times and I think it can be hard to counteract.

[Learn to Fly]

Dearest Grandy,

So sorry to hear you were put through this. I know what you are talking about. Most of us could probably relate and dig out similar situations when you only find your voice long after the confrontation is over. You know you tried to avoid confrontation and do the right thing but you start to ask yourself if this truly was the right thing to do.
From my perspective, I am often so taken aback by someone else’s sadden rudeness that I will just cop it but then regret not having been more assertive. I love the fact that kids these days are told from the very early age that small assertiveness by simply saying “stop it, I don’t like it.” I hope it’ll strengthen those who really need it.

Sending loads of kind wishes your way. You are one big heart, always having such warm and beautiful words for others. You don’t deserve to be treated and feel this way.

Warmest regards to you.

[Ggrand]

Hello Everyone,

Learn to Fly, Thank you so much for understanding me...and how hard it is to be assertive at that particular time.....it really means a lot to me....

Thank you for your kind wishes...

Hugs everyone...

Grandy..

[missep123]

We hear you and your feelings are completely valid!!!