Do you forgive?

[Guest_1055]

Feeling hesitant about writing this and little scared of what people will think about me, a fear of being rejected I think. Well here goes.

Just today I have been thinking about forgiveness, forgiving the people who hurt us, let us down, or bring us pain in any other way. And I think forgiving actually helps us.

So what I aim to do, as a strategy to get rid of bitterness from within me is to:

1. Grap an apple or a potato from the kitchen.

2. I am off to see what I have got, yeah I have an apple that is going soft.

3. Write on the apple or whatever you have chosen " I forgive you" and draw a smiley face, that is what I did, and it is looking right back at me now.

4. Think of that person that has hurt you, and say I forgive you....... for hurting me.

5. And then I will go to the ocean, because I live near there. Walk down to the waves, and use all my physical strength and throw the apple as far as a can. "Just let in go"

Note:  If anyone tries this strategy from beyond blue, and I come across an apple on the beach. I will toss it back in for you.

Not sure of the outcome of this strategy yet, but I will keep you posted if you would like.

Also if you are not near an ocean, maybe you could choose a paddock.

OK going to post this now, still scared of what people will think of me."Rejection"

[Simona]

Hello Shelley anne

I am ok now. Mainly because I'm home from holiday and finally been able to have shower and brush teeth.

How are you?    Have you been anywhere for a 'break'?  

As to your question about feeling less hurt/free after having forgiven:

I need to clarify that when someone offends me/'hurts' me it's not that heartbreaking hurt I feel.  There are no tears.  What I feel is point blank rage. So do I feel less anger/venom?    Yes.  Because i don't rest until the matter has been dealt with and justice served.  

Because despite whatever ill treatment the one thing has remained steadfast:  my self esteem : nothing rocks it.  I never allowed myself to be broken down.    The idea of hating oneself i cannot fathom.  It's like giving in to all your haters and saying: " Come one , come all, allow me to be your human doormat, your toilet bowl"

And if you hate yourself enough they will come. Because that's how people work. There are victims and there are survivors.  I like to call myself the latter. 

However I'm not like this with my children.  They are; after all, my own flesh and blood.   And above all; they are children so therefore innocent of those cruel manipulative games 'adults' play.  I don't need to allow them into my heart because they were born there

[Simona]

To elaborate on my most recent post:    And so as they are born into my heart they live there.  They are the exceptions.

My stance on forgiving lovers who disrespected/physically hurt me is ingrained deeply.   I'm abit of a maniac like that.  I have in the past been forced to kiss and make up albeit prematurely and so have resentfully spooned 2 teaspoons of salt into their coffee instead of sugar.  But still served it up with a smile.  

Forgiving my high school tormentors -  I did after I retaliated to being man-handled/pinned to walls.  When someone is down they are easy to forgive.  He was suddenly small and silent like a curled up centipede. No-one could have seen it coming but I forgave him that day and he never touched me again

[Guest_1055]

Hello Simona

That is a very nice feeling having clean teeth, where did you go on holidays? I went down to visit some relatives who live in Sydney, but I only went for the day.

I was reading how you were tormented at school, I'm sorry. It makes me sad to know you had these experiences. People can be so evil and cruel. I hate all this evil, it causes so much pain, hurt and sorrow. And I am know realising that I am actually thankful that I grew up in a very safe and sheltered way.

How many children do you have anyway?

With love

Shelley xx

[Scotchfinger]

A very important topic.

I read the story of Anita Cobby  (awful rape/murder in the eightees in Sydney). I read how her father forgave the ones responsible. (after much soul searching of course). When I see that forgiveness is possible for such a wicked crime, I feel humbled and small. I need to let go of my petty grievances and grudges. I want to die a peaceful death and that means forgiving everyone.

But I totally understand if some people can't forgive when they were victims of horrible abuse.

[Simona]

Hey there Shelley- anne  : )

 We went down to the surf coast - stayed a few nights at one of those family friendly holiday parks in a cabin (note: closet) with no air conditioning.    Bunk beds.  Aha - an argument began about sleeping quarters and i found myself trying to sleep in the middle bunk.  

I hurt my head again pretty bad but this time i wasn't even angry. I just forgot where i was and went to sit up. I imagine this is what it feels like to be buried alive.

But anyway; i got to swim in the ocean ( rather just cautiously knelt in the shallow surf incase of shark because you just never know) and i really enjoyed climbing up and down on those wooden steps that led down to the beach.

Thank-you for your caring regarding the bullying.   All over done with gone now . Mind you at the time, i was the only girl in an entire class of boys (my science class).  I had a routine: go into girls toilet and basically burst into tears, then wash my face then clench both fists and look into mirror repeating words i cannot mention here.  It was my way of pulling myself together

It's a shame really i quit halfway through Yr 11 and ran from home only to hit the street. I loved science and further down the track was the only girl studying Electronics at Tafe.  Circuit boards - fascinating and i had steady hands for the soldering gun but wanted fast money. I had the skills but not the brains at 17

ps: 3 is the magic No 

Love,

Simona   

[Durras]

Hi scothfinger,

 Mmmm my favourite bikie too. It  is true that at the end of the day we must be able to forgive or maybe must is the wrong word to use thou I do use it lightly as I know it is sooo hard to do so.

Your words hit me with dying peacefully knowing that we have forgiven and no longer hold any grudges, I think with that the person we have to forgive most of all is ourselves as we are always being hard on ourselves, finding the faults or flaws within, listening to the negative talk/voices in our minds and doubting ourselves to often or to much.

For example being a smoker not a day goes by that I keep thinking which cigarette will it be that causes the cancer etc. and that should be enough for me to quit but it is so hard especially with my depression and anxiety, But what I am saying here too is if I was on my death bed then what grudges would I have or regrets?

1 That I didn't quit sooner and apologising to my daughter.

2 That I wish I had done more with forgiving those around me instead of leaving it to late or so late.

This is a reason for me to think now YES we must forgive those around us but most of all to ourselves first.

My next question is why is it so hard, why can't we just stop all the voices in our minds, the negativity and the toll we place on ourselves why is it so hard? Why can't we just snap out of it as I am sure a lot of us use that sentence frequently.

Thanks for your post Scotchfinger, it has really made me think and think hard with questions I must put onto myself for my own healing.

Durras

X

[Scotchfinger]

Durras

The thanks should go to you (post on other thread as well) for being so frank and open about your own situation. I'm also jobless at the moment, aged 58 and prospects are pessimistic.(or is it me that is pessimistic?) Ican't seem to see light at the end of the tunnel yet. So I think I'm guilty of quitting a full-time job in 2014, when I didn't need to. Just one of my many sins in life.

[Guest_1055]

It has been a few years since I started this thread on forgiveness. I know forgiving other people  helps me somehow. Like a freeing sensation within me happens when I choose to forgive. If I choose not too, then I feel bitter, miserable and not free at all.

Last week I spent some time going back in my memory. Each time I felt hurt by someone in my life ( instances that happened and that naturally came to my thoughts) I could see it all in my memory. Like a small movie in my memory. Some of this memories I still felt hurt in. So I admitted I felt hurt. Saying "I hurt" And then I forgave the person saying " I forgive you for hurting me, I forgive you"

Then I asked God to forgive me for being offended and hurt in every situation. The hurt in every situation for me was emotional type hurt. This part of forgiveness is new to me. It was suggested to me. I don't fully understand the reasoning for this bit, maybe I will later on.

And because I was a little girl in some of these memories I gave myself a loving hug. The grown women me to the little girl me. I held me as I felt hurt, silent tears rolled down my cheeks. And I heard the grown up me say " it was an accident, you didn't mean to, it will be ok"  The grown up me wiped gently away the tears . And spoke so loving, quite and kind to me. My heart felt soothed. The grown up me loved the little me, she cared and she noticed me. She saw the pain in my heart. She helped me.

That is all I can write now. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

That is so beautiful and healing, your adult self going to your child self and caring for, supporting and loving her. I really feel like we can revise the hurts of the past this way. It somehow happens at certain moments when we are ready and the conditions are right. Like certain things fall into place. Sometimes there’s just a lot of struggle beforehand!

 I relate very much to the power of forgiveness to lift burdens off us. Certainly bitterness keeps us in a restrictive damaging place that is not good for us. When we forgive our heart opens instead of constricts, and that changes our whole way of being and feeling. It’s so much better for our health on many levels.

Sometimes I feel like forgiving is also letting go, or that letting go is a step in the process. Yesterday while I was lying on a bench by the river I had a lot of healing happen. As part of that people from my past came to me and I had healing memories of them rather than painful ones. This happened with them all except one family member. He kind of appeared and then faded and disappeared from my consciousness. It’s like I couldn’t find something healing with him so I just let go instead. Perhaps that’s a form of acceptance. I’m probably still working on forgiveness with him, so perhaps a first step is acceptance of how things were and then letting it go. And then maybe forgiveness follows when it’s ready?

It definitely seems like an organic process that we have to really feel for it to be real. I think that’s true to all aspects of healing. That’s why it’s so meaningful that you could really feel and experience that healing of your child self.

 I haven’t read right through this whole thread, but thank you for reviving this topic as I feel it’s really important for people who have hurts from the past and are trying to work through them. I also feel like kindness heals. So when someone in the present is kind to us it helps increase our ability to let go of past hurts and heal and forgive.

[quirkywords]

She’ll 

thanks for update. Your words are really helpful.

I find I can’t forgive myself if others won’t forgive me. I a. working on it.