Carrying our own cross

[white knight]

My ex brother in law told me many years ago "you JUST have to carrying your own cross"

That was during a period of dwelling on a serious back injury and struggling with anxiety and depression. He had chronic rheumatoid arthritis and although in much pain...never complained. Why the contrast?

Well we can assume some people have different pain thresholds. The other factor is we cant accept the major changes in our lives of such huge negatives.

When someone tells you to "carry your own cross" it can be hurtful but if we have the better attitude we should consider the possibility that they are right, that they have a point to make.

Having a back injury or any other injuries can effect every minute of your day, even simply sitting. So there is no escaping it. However if we continually moan about it, it can effect our relationships. Carrying our own cross means- realising other people have their own challenges in life, might be concealing them or if not, have a limited ability to withstand listening to others problems.

There is no better example than xmas lunch. All people expect that arriving for a family gathering, to catch up with friends and family is going to be happy. Its exciting and rewarding, quality time. The last thing anyone wants is to endure people complaining about anything.

The sadness we personally endure or the pain should be concealed unless asked IMO, once asked thank the person for asking, give a brief reply and change the subject maybe to their issues.

Such carrying of your own cross for some doesnt come naturally, as in my case. I had to learn that wearing a happy mask to conceal my problems/pain sounds unfair, fake etc but it is to allow for others to enjoy their time in a festive mood. People can be kind and considerate and still cant put up with too much of a depressing mood from someone.

Sadly but true, there is a time and a place for everything...even dumping onto others our illnesses. We should keep it minimal and allow others to enjoy their time.

Thats an opinion, do you agree?

Tony WK

[Sad_Mushroom]

Hi,

I remember about 20years ago when I first wanted to "out" myself for having MH issues. My friends etc were horrified by the ramifications. Not only for me but for my kids and their school etc.

Back then having an MH issue was a dirty bad thing.

I had a friend and she was doing OK but she always compared her issues to mine. If I was sad so was she. I would be sad because my meds were not working and work was a nightmare, she was sad because she didn't have a car to meet up with a guy she met online. I would end up driving her to meet the guy and babysitting her son while she went off on a date.

No matter my issues her cross was always heavier. She did this to others also.

She honestly believed she was carrying a cross. She didn't work so was always broke. She didn't drive so could not meet anyone she met online. She could not afford babysitters. SHE thought her cross was real. It was real. To her it was.

IN her defence she was a lovely lady and would help anyone she could. She had limited education and had no chance of getting a good job. She had never had a job so had no experience. She was raised by a mother who made out she was sick all the time, as the mother needed attention, so this lady was convinced she was too sick to work. She was raised to believe she was sick and dying. She was raised to be an actor and played it well.

I have a question: How many of the 'players' are carrying on a family tradition of acting like sick people, when indeed they are not sick at all?

SM

[white knight]

Hi SM

good point and question.

My wife has a friend, single 57yo, 3 adult kids. She rang us regularly for 12 months for many various illnesses. My wife took her 2 hours to the eye and ear hospital and return, numerous appointments. She had her license and a car but allegedly couldn't drive.

Eventually I suggested to my wife that we must look after ourselves emotionally and financially before we give to charity. In the end we took her to the local hospital and upon checking her promptly charged her $65. She was shocked but it was the only way they could make her stay away when there were other real cases.

Following a 2 month holiday we returned home. The next day this friend arrived. How are you? I ask. "Well, I've got a sore forearm from using the chainsaw and a neighbor thinks I'm a hypochondriac and....." This went on for around 10 minutes. Then I interjected "After 2 months away I think its better for you to ask how our holiday went...don't you think"?

She has moved to Adelaide. Now we get calls from her and every call commences with problems. Our friendship with her no longer exists. We are an earpiece. Now we've found out from others at a local club that every member of this sewing group has the same sort of relationship.

It sounds cruel but I am not in this world to pander to anyone that is one sided. My relationships are two sided and of "roughly" equal care and support. So in answer to your question I think it could be many things- family trait of attention seeking, insecurity, real mental health issues, past abuse, loneliness.

Tony WK

[Sad_Mushroom]

So Tony,

Do you think the "players" do it because physical ailments can be disproved by Doctors etc and MH issues cannot? All a player needs to know is a friend with a MH issue or how to google to read up to PLAY the game?

BTW all this question is not only for Tony. I would like to know what others think as this is "stealing" from us. These people "steal" from our pain and make it their own pain, then steal the help that should be ours.

Am I being too tough on these people?

SM

[white knight]

Hi sm

Re Am I being too tough on these people?

Great question. Thats the kind guilty person that these people take advantage of. We dont like hurting others. What if he/she does have a serious illness? OMG I'll feel so bad.

Perhaps there are boundaries or telltale signs. Eg our friend drove to the shops the day after my wife drove her to Melbourne the day before when she couldnt drive. Initially we believed her stories but many times later they didnt add up.

Frankly our illnesses were of more severity but these people are focussed on themselves. Nobody can be as sick as them. Its all about them.

Members welcome to comment.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone,

There have been some interesting points made here.

I feel there are some people in this world who believe they are here to be served and cared for by others and have no idea that is not the way other people think.

We can change our character and personality traits if we try, but if they suit us well, why would we? The squeaky wheel gets the most attention.

I know some people whom I think are down right nasty in the way they behave, will they change because I think they should? Do they think they need to change? NO.

The person who makes the most noise is attended to first. The one in front will be served first. The quiet person at the back may be ignored altogether.

Some people carry their cross with lights and horns going off for all to see and hear. Some carry theirs hidden under a thick coat so no one else can see it.

I hope I am the person who can see someone else's cross that is hidden and to offer them the help and support they may need.

Cheers all from Dools

[white knight]

Well said Mrs Dools

Theres a saying about "feeling sorry for oneself for having no socks until I saw a man with no feet."

Tony WK