Caring for your 'well' partner

[white knight]

Sounds basic but I hope my comments here dont step on any feelings. The objective is to help and honesty should not be compromised.

Severe mental illness can be so debilitating that the sufferer needs 100% care from their partner often at times to the point whereby the ill can resemble an emotional "sponge". Absorbing every comment their ears come across. Being sensitive to every comment and often they are 100% absorbed within themselves ...to just survive, just to keep living. What effect must this have on their partner?

Family and friends not living with the ill have constant respite. They can even distance themselves at will. IF they are not feeling 100% themselves then they can cut contact for a few days and "go shopping" ? They have the choice of space. Not so the partner. I can picture it now. The partner leaves in the morning for work at 7am, trundles through bus and trains to the city to work in a big city office, tolerates all the gossip and infighting there then trundles home again. Finally gets home at 7pm knowing all along his battles for the day are only just beginning. He/she walks in the door, no hug, he/she asks how was your day and is met with glassy eyes and no reply. Finally after making a drink his/her partner finally talks and out comes the same comments about the past that the worker has heard all too often before.

It's a sad story and many carers/partners endure this sad sad life. Of course I am not levelling fault here in any way. That is what is sad about it....there is no fault !!.

In the case above let us presume you are the one with the depressive illness. What to do to avoid a very unhappy partner that ultimately is caring for you every day? They need care to. They need you.

Here are my suggestions (easiest to most difficult) for you to try with all your might, to implement on a regular daily practice:

1/ Greet.  If you can walk to the toilet when in need then you can walk to the door to greet your partner. You dont have to talk, just hug.

2/ Ask how was their day? For that one answer focus and listen.

3/ When your partner asks you how you are going be honest and clear. If you are consumed by the past or your hurt that he/she has heard so many times before then a comment like "I went back there again today so am not feeling ok" is better.

4/ Plan a small evening event. eg Ask your partner what TV show they would like to watch

Providing as normal a home life as possible can be your greatest gift to your carer helping them to keep caring

[JessF]

You know, I ruined a marriage but not doing these things. I was particularly bad at number 2 - I never asked, and I would often find myself drifting off when he answered. Depression can be such a selfish illness, and you're right, we don't think about the impact it has on our partners. 

[white knight]

Hi JessF,

Sorry to hear that. Writing such a thread is guess work. I dont know either way if my thread is on track or not. Your reply is most welcomed.

[HA1]

PART 1:

Today I noted (realised) that my carer appeared tired and (from my ill perspective) disinterested in my talking about my illness.  I am sure that was not the case, but it got me thinking.  Thinking about how hard it must be to put up with me and my baggage; “you are here, yet you are not here – where are you?”; having to be dragged out of my sanctuary if she wants to go out to lunch or dinner, or heaven forbid a social function, her having to watch this ill person shuffle around in a daze, etc, etc.  I asked myself, how can I make things easier for my carer, and thus also make life as ‘normal’ as possible.  Then I remembered that I had seen a thread on this forum on something similar – and found it!    Thanks for raising this issue WK.  I agree with you that it is a very difficult question to discuss in a way that will gather a consistent response because, for one, everyone is different, with different circumstances – yet we are all distinctly similar in our ‘symptoms’.  I think it is a case of throwing some ideas around (as you have done) and hope that someone can take something away to make things easier for them and their carer.  My input follows in PART 2 of this post.

K

[HA1]

PART 2:

So here is my input:    

1. Talk to your carer.  Talk to them about issues other than your illness.  Try and remember what things interest them and dive in.  Your carer will understand that you are making an effort – for it will come as a complete surprise the first time!  After a while it does become easier.  Have I done as I preach?  Hmm, a little bit.  I have always been a quiet one, but working hard on joining in. 

2. If your carer is your partner, do things together, even little things.  Go for walks in quiet/serene areas and take in whatever is happening now.  Make things you see a conversation – awkward at first, but after a while it, again, gets easier.  This is one thing that I have managed to do well so far. If you do even little things together it is a form a communication. And that is so important for your carer. 

3. Recall the recent “R U OK” day?  [Speaking of which, sadly no one asked me that on the day – I ended up calling family members and asking (innocently) R U Ok … “yes I’m fine, why? Was typically the response”, haha]  Your carer is constantly worried about you, watching over you and wondering.  Do the same for your carer.  A simple R U Ok once a day is easy.  I have taken to doing that and its nice – but be prepared to listen.

4.  Try and go away together.  Any small getaway from the normal day to day routine is good for both the ill and the carer.  We now go for a daily walk, or a drive quite frequently, together.  

5. Make sure your carer, has a break from you as frequently as you are able to make it so.  I encourage my carer to leave the house and catch up with girlfriends, just for the day, or for a few days; or alternatively sometimes I will jump in my car and go away for a few days to the countryside and stay with siblings or parents.  The beauty with this sort of arrangement, for me is that I can have those oh so important quiet moments just to myself to re-charge my batteries.  Bliss!!!

6. As one who suffers social anxiety in a big way, I find it hard (impossible) to enjoy social gatherings.  But my carer is a social butterfly, so I have started trying in small doses.  Makes me happy to see her happy when I am talking to others.  

These are some of the things that I am doing, or trying to do, and I hope it works even a little. I am still working on doing something that will take that look of worry from my carers face when she says “you are here, but not here”.  Have not yet found the magic little something .  

[white knight]

Hi AOK,

Nothing pleases me more than the feedback you've given. You've benefitted by putting ideas into place and you've refined it.

Yes, our carers may well be ok but it doesnt matter, its the thought of asking that counts.

Great. You've made my day!

[Little_Rascal]

Thanks for this post 🙂 I  am plagued by guilt every day because of this!!! And AOK you're a legend, im sure your girl appreciates the effort you make 🙂 

I make a huge effort to make my fella feel appreciated, and since the diagnosis he doesn't seem so confused and personally offended by my reactions.  I lash out at him a bit because I am constantly angry, he pulls me up and tells me im taking my head issues out on him, then tries to calm me by suggesting I go cuddle the ferrets or go to the gym or call a gf. But, he's adopted, and plagued by all the abandonment issues I suppose that come with it, so when we fight or he reacts to me over reacting, he feels like he should never have existed.  He's mentioned this 3 times in our 2.5 year relationship, and about 2 weeks ago I had a bad day and snapped at him for not going to the butchers to get dinner after I had spent the whole day cleaning preparing for the week.  He retracted and just asked for me not to keep asking of he was ok because I had my own stuff to deal with, i told him just I because I can't handle my own head doesn't mean I can't be there for him, he refused to talk, his eyes were glasst like he was about to cry for the next few hours, I couldn't say I love you because I could see it caused him more pain, and it was hard forbhim to reply, I couldn't even touch him, my heart broke so I  went and cried out n the shower. He hated that his mood made me feel bad, but I hated that my actions and fight feed his feelings of ruining everyone's lives

He's often asked if he should leave me as he feels he triggers my bad moods, not the case! Just living and having a business together means he sees the worst, and I have no chance to fall apart in private. 

[geoff]

dear Tony (WK), some good replies to add to your fascinating post.

i was going to say that my situation was different, maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but I dreaded the thought of my 2 sons and my wife (ex) coming home, I loved them all, but it meant that I had to put on my mask, always trying to pretend that there was nothing wrong, like hell there wasn't, I was so depressed, no different than all of you, I just wanted to be by myself, day and night, because I needed the grog, which I had to hide.

I tried to get involved in the boys football training at home, just by teaching them to kick with their 'off' leg, which was their left foot pretending that I was enjoying myself.

I had to cook the dinner which I didn't really mind doing, because the boys were off doing their own thing, and the ex was at work, so I could drink, and that's why I was called an alcoholic, or labelled as such.

Eventually it got to the point were I wasn't looking forward for my wife going home, because she was always trying to get me to do things, which I didn't want to do because I had no strength, no enjoyment what's so ever.

On the weekends I was asked to go with them to the AFL footy, but I just wanted to be by myself, or somewhere else, but this meant that I couldn't drink, and if by chance I did go, (early in my depression) I was told that I didn't need to have a drink, which meant that my anxiety level increased.

When she moved into the other room to sleep, I tried once again to put on my mask, but it didn't work, so down hill all the way. Geoff.

[Little_Rascal]

I'm so sorry to hear that Geoff, I hope things have gotten a little easier. Because I'm young its a bit easier to brush off my drinking habits, but I understand where you're coming from.

I get so worried when the day comes were "ready to have kids I feel I will be a terrible parent because of my mood swings and irritability

[white knight]

Hi Geoff,

As they say "life is full of regrets". As we, the mentally ill, can attest, we live and have lived at extremes of behaviour. There is no fault. We have done our best. And we have sought treatment. But our extreme acts have ground in some guilt. It isnt easy overcoming that aspect of our thinking.

Feral Cas, you will never have that feeling of being "ready" for children. But garanteed, it comes to you naturally.  Worry is non productive. Let nature do some of the hard yards.