Be Yourself but who am I?

[quirkywords]

I have often been told to just be myself but then I am encouraged to be softer, think less, eat less, worry less, relax more , exercise more, be more confident, less timid, less cautious, more adventurous,less selfish, stop being a people pleaser, be happier, be kinder , ask less questions and the list goes on.

I find this confusing if I am to be myself why must I change?

The other problem is who am I, which self should I be: the introvert, the extrovert, the cautious, the risk-taker, the overthinker, the fast talker, the quiet one, the indecisive one, the spontaneous one, the carefree one, the worried one, the selfish one, the altruistic one, and much more.

Thse two words be yourself seem so easy for many people but not for me as it fills me with many questions.

I will limit myself to two questions .

Can you be yourself without changing?

Is it possible to change/improve a part of yourself and still be yourself?

Quirky

[Guest_128]

No probs,

He is still here,he was the quiet goody that never did anything wrong,and I loved him and treated him like I was the big sister,I even got into fisty fights for him when people would pick on him. I was the black sheep of course. He used to say I'm fat and your dumb,and thats how it turned out. Then he meet his wife.

I bet your counting down the days,you poor thing.

Later

[quirkywords]

Later in my family everyone thinks they are the black sheep.

Luciagabriells you seem like a wise soul in a young body.

Quirky

[lucagabriella]

Later, I have always believed in life that there is always something you are good at that others are not. In a similar fashion, there are things you are not so great at, that others are good at. Obviously everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. This does not make you better or worse than anyone else.

Comparing yourself to anyone, especially your brother, is not always okay. I can bet my life there are things you can do that he cannot.
I have two younger siblings and I won't lie, I do compare myself to them, and I do often feel like I am the "black sheep", especially because the younger siblings are so close in age, I have always felt the odd one out. It can be natural, I suppose, to compare yourself to siblings, but it can also become a bad habit because it can cause feelings of resentment and bring rise feelings of anger. That is when these feelings are not okay.

Your brother has no right to make you feel like you are "too dumb" or "too fat" - no one does, and I am sorry that you have heard that. People often make judgements and passing comments about people, but it helps to learn and realize that people who are not you do not always understand fully what we are feeling (nor what they are saying), so they may not realize what they say in jest is actually very hurtful for the listener.

That's just my own thoughts, I'd like to hear what you have to say.

- lucagabriella

[Guest_128]

It really hurts me deep that I have no relationship with my brother. There has been to much go on since he met his wife, I understand that he has to be by her side. I accept that it is what it was.

Thanks for caring.

Later

[quirkywords]

Lucagabriella,

Your post to Later was so kind and caring. Don't say just your own thoughts they are most valid.

Later, I can relate to what you said about your brother and his loyalty to his wife. My brother told me years ago when I was struggling that anything I told hm he would have to tell his wife and so I stopped telling him anything. I understand than in a marriage one has no secrets but I thought I could confidentially tell him things without them being passed on to his wife. The point is it didn't really matter but that time when he said that I felt I could not trust him.

another question/thought

how do our relationships with our loved ones affect who we are and how we see ourselves and how others see us?

I like to think I get on with my brothers but we don't see each other much due to distance and we don't phone( well I phone them) and we email a bit. Does there have to be lots of contact in a relationship or is the quality important. I am sure if any of us were in trouble the other ones would be there for us and I suppose that's what counts.

I see myself as a people person and a communicator and the one who keeps in touch , or was that what I used to be. Now with my shop I am so busy that I am not the great communicator I once was.

I want to thanks everyone for your wonderful support yesterday and for all the support I have had on this thread .

Of course feel free to comment on anything ask questions, I just throw out questions because I have a head full of them.

Quirky

[Guest_3712]

Hi Perky Quirky,

Sorry that just came to me because even with lots of questions in your head you ae always up beat and well perky ! Sorry wont say it again .

Anyway family - Oh my ! don't get me started ! But as I have , here goes. Definitely quality over quantity . I much prefer to catch up with the one sis I still talk to infrequently, but when we do we can chat for hours over coffee on the phone. We still email and Instagram etc , but not lots of inane stuff- everyone is too busy these days.

Same for friends. I still keep in touch with 4 girls I started kinder with. Not often but at least twice a year . It is awesome, the years melt away and we are always there for each other. During my psych hospital stays they came to visit me , great distances in some cases my family - not at all.

I have a brother who I don't se due to distance but he has had MI so does get it and although we talk infrequently , its ok.

How my family relationships effect me - big time is the short answer. Parents without a doubt past and present.

Sibs not so much - Over the last few years, our relationship became so toxic I decided I was better not having them in my life - hard decision but I feel better for it. I have enough issues of my own without others inflicting their crap on me.

So now I choose who I surround myself with - much better.

Have a good one

Stressless

[lucagabriella]

Quirky - I like this question. There are different ways of approaching it, but this is my initial thought process on the question.

I think the people we surround ourselves with are a huge part of who we are.
For example, my dad is very knowledgeable and always has a different take on life - I love to hear his opinions of the world.
My mother is very loving and kind, and goes out of her way for everyone she loves.
Two things I value most in life is kindness and knowledge, and I think that is a direct reflection of my parents.

Similarly, I have had many different kinds of friends over the course of my life who have impacted me. Without my current best friend, I think my relationship with my parents (particularly my mother) would be very rocky. Seeing how close she was with her own mother encouraged for me to be a better daughter.
I have another friend who I am not as close with anymore, but still keep in regular contact with. She's fairly independent due to a lot of family issues she's had, and she can be pretty harsh and fair in her thinking. Sometimes I find, however, she can also be fairly judgemental, and often if I open up to her about certain things she is critical of it. I know it always makes me feel bad, so it is something I keep in mind whenever someone opens up to me, and I try to be as open minded as possible.

These are few examples, but I could think of so so many times in not only my life, but others too, where those around them influence who we are as people. I think it is human nature that we learn and are influenced by those around us. They can impact the way we feel and what we learn, and how we therefore treat others.

That is my own thoughts - I do know that while the people around us obviously have a very positive impact on us, they can also have the very opposite.

- lucagabriella

[lucagabriella]

Stressless, it is sad but sometimes we do need to cut out people who have a negative impact on our own well-being

[quirkywords]

Stressless,

It is funny in my whole life you are the first to call me perky!!

Alas in real life I am told to smile, told to cheer up and most used adjectives used to describe me are : sad, miserable, negative, tired, slow (they are the nice ones!!)

Thanks for answering my questions. You have demonstrated the complexities and outfalls. I like the way you navigate around different personalities.

Take care

Quirky

[quirkywords]

Lucagabriella

What wonderful parents you have and how well you describe them with love.

The following sentence of yours is one of the loveliest sentences I have read in the forum for a while.

"Two things I value most in life is kindness and knowledge, and I think that is a direct reflection of my parents."

If your parents have influenced the person you are on this forum , they have done a great job.

I really value all contributions here and feel free to bring up any topic or ask a question. As well ask asking questions I like answering questions as well.

Quirky