Staying well

"You are not being reasonable"!

replies: 15

Ever been told that? Being told that means it came from someone else right? Of course. And you scratch your head, that thing that holds all of your low self esteem, guilt and that non productive thing called worry. So what is reason? Or being reasona... View more

Ever been told that? Being told that means it came from someone else right? Of course. And you scratch your head, that thing that holds all of your low self esteem, guilt and that non productive thing called worry. So what is reason? Or being reasonable? Let's look at law to bring this into perspective. As a jury member in a trial, you'll each be asked to find the defendant guilty or not guilty. To come to a result you have to base your decision of guilt based upon "beyond reasonable doubt". That's it!. It is based on YOUR decision and the other 11 jurors collective findings of some point beyond reasonable doubt. So if you follow me on this, being reasonable is a point defined by the individual. Everyone has a different dividing line of what reasonable is. This point of reason can be a common area of conflict. Ever had an argument with a friend about your location as he/she holds the map upside down?. The conflict doesn't commence because the map isn't facing right way up, its because your friend is certain they are correct and because of that they refuse to (in your words to him/her) " BE REASONBLE"!!!! I AM RIGHT"!!! In their eyes they are being reasonable...after all they have listened to you tell them the map is the wrong way up and discounted it. You on the other hand find them to be totally unreasonable for not taking your claims seriously. So you argue. Then suddenly you look at the map...it wasn't upside down at all. In such a case it was you that wasn't reasonable by not confirming the map position. Can you see that in this instance, being reasonable is a personal view of a situation that likely if in conflict, is based on your own individual judgement. That example was to explain the complexities of human disagreements and why the claim of "you're not being reasonable" is used so often. Simply because you are not seeing a situation how someone else sees it. So in times of conflict by trying to be reasonable means not just giving in and agreeing with the other party, but attempting to see why they think that way. Then if you still believe you are correct stick to your beliefs. Don't allow others to rule your right to your own decision making. I.e don't be too submissive. However if you are proved wrong then apologise. That will mean you are fair and being fair is giving reason every chance of being present when it matters. Tony WK

Discussion: Taking it one day at a time.

replies: 12

I am certain that everyone has been given or given this advice themselves. I myself, find that sometimes I have to take things minute by minute. But, waking up this morning, I asked myself what the implications are of this particular mentality/concep... View more

I am certain that everyone has been given or given this advice themselves. I myself, find that sometimes I have to take things minute by minute. But, waking up this morning, I asked myself what the implications are of this particular mentality/concept? I am a dreamer, a thinker (some say over-thinker), a researcher and a risk-taker. These characteristics present in such a way that I dream big first, I plan pathways to get there (owing for contingencies), and if it involves immersing myself in a world I do not know, I will do it, and when I'm there, I'll adapt, I'll analyze myself and my plans and I will expect to succeed. Failure is okay also, it's life lesson, so I'm okay as long as I have tried to do what I wanted to do. This, is all in an ideal world. In actuality, I do all of this around and through my depression and anxiety. And if I do succeed, it felt like such a struggle to get there that I am relieved that I'm on the other side rather than enjoying my accomplishments. And if I fail...well... So, having been given this advice, and trying to implement it, I wonder if dreaming big and taking risks is pragmatic, because at the face of it, it seems to close me off. Hope for a day. Repeat the next. If you have a bad day, tomorrow might be better, brush it off. But, if you do dream big, one day of self indulgence of inactivity, which we all know can amount to 7 days or 10 days etc...counts against what I'm working for. 10 days of the lack of hope is enough to dissuade anyone of the feasibility of such dreams. Or, on the other side, what if I have a string of good days and still take it one day at a time? And I cannot enjoy it because I'm only focusing on the next day, and will only realize what has happened after the fact and possibly when I compare it to the bad days that have come up again. Please note, I haven't given up on my dreams but it seems like on one hand it isn't enough to get me out of a depressive state, there just isn't enough hope here or faith in myself and capabilities, and on the other hand this method is counterproductive to planning because days can go by as fast as blinking. Also, I'm all for dreams, I don't think anyone should give up on theirs, that's not what I'm trying to say. Is my thinking wrong? Did I explain myself well? Joelle

Finding inspiration online

replies: 2

Hi there!I'll be honest. I spend a lot of time on my computer. Currently on holidays and not sure what to do with myself, most of my free time is spent scrolling through facebook, or pinterest, or instagram...I enjoy visualising what I want my life t... View more

Hi there!I'll be honest. I spend a lot of time on my computer. Currently on holidays and not sure what to do with myself, most of my free time is spent scrolling through facebook, or pinterest, or instagram...I enjoy visualising what I want my life to be like, when I am physically and mentally healthier. I like to follow people who seem to live a very healthy lifestyle, and find it gives me the motivation to improve my own.Where do you get your inspiration from?

Charity begins at home

replies: 4

I don't know the statistics but percentage wise I'd guess those with any form of mental illness out number those without in terms if charity work. If so, shouldn't it be the other way around? The balancing of family life, work and all those other thi... View more

I don't know the statistics but percentage wise I'd guess those with any form of mental illness out number those without in terms if charity work. If so, shouldn't it be the other way around? The balancing of family life, work and all those other things, shopping, paying bills, home maintenance and so on is already a bigger struggle for us...add charity work to the mix and thy cup can runneth over. Why are we doing charity work? My theory is that as one new member of bb put it, "I am a givver" we get great pleasure from helping others. Why? Perhaps because we do mentally feel more compassionate, we could be more emotional or sympathetic. A problem is that some people are out there without mental struggles that take on a lot of activities be it for schools or clubs and once you are sighted and judged as not involving yourself much, they focus on you as a person they can dump responsibilities on. We are soft targets for this. And if you are like me in my past you won't be able to easily say "no thanks". Furthermore you'll feel guilty and offer explanations like " I have depression". That blank stare you get back might be one of sympathy but more likely its "oh, he is one if those...what do I do now?". Another trap is volunteering to help out on a roster or a time further ahead. How do you know you'll be OK on that given day? When I started posting in this forum very actively to help others I had to ensure all other aspects of my life was in order. My work here could not be to the cost of my stability or my daily chores. In fact it has been to the benefit to my life because I've learned from others about their symptoms. However, it is clear that the family balance particularly with young children is much harder. Team work between parents has to be fine tuned. Be very careful in how much you take on. Don't be afraid to say " I'm sorry maybe next time". If that refusal resulted in you obtaining a few hours rest/sleep then you are putting into action the 'charity begins at home' priority. One day you'll be certain you can take on a little charity work. It might be a time when your kids have left home, you are bored or you need that social interaction. That's good. Until then remember to look after your mental stress by limiting you away from home work at times that suit you. Its not being selfish, its allowing you to function without overloading your life. Tony WK

Your temperament

replies: 1

Some might say you're sensitive so you have a touchy temperament. Not so. Your temperament is a permanent fixture of your character. Sensitivity like anger, reservation, mood etc are by products....they are things we can improve on. I'd argue that ou... View more

Some might say you're sensitive so you have a touchy temperament. Not so. Your temperament is a permanent fixture of your character. Sensitivity like anger, reservation, mood etc are by products....they are things we can improve on. I'd argue that our temperament does alter as we age but by and large it is who we are. To improve ourselves as individuals we need to review our behaviour. But this can come at a cost if we are too radical with our expectations. We can change but not at the cost of our character nor at the intent of moving our temperament from its foundations. An example. We are parked at a caravan park. We have a great view of the ocean. No one should park between us and the ocean as its a no standing area. A large rig. Ute and long van arrived and blocked our view. A man alighted and walked away with a dog. How dare he park there!. Ten years ago I would have yelled out to move his van. A risk of conflict. My temperament hasn't changed. I'm just as angry now because that's my temperament but now my actions have changed. Firstly there is an element of "benefit of the doubt". Maybe the park operators gave them permission? So I approached the lady in the van. Turns out their van had a flat tyre. Her husband rather frail and elderly couldn't undo the wheel nuts and walked towards a nearby garage. I changed their wheel and upon his return he reparked beside us. We shared a drink and made new friends. Ten years ago I'd be totally embarrassed over my action of an aggressive approach. My prejudgement from my temperament has not changed but my thinking after the initial event occurred, has. Our sensitivity can be altered as can our thinking. Our wisdom can grow and we can introduce that benefit of the doubt ingredient to our persona. But, we should also remain aware of being rejected and have a bail out clause. If that Lady said " we'll park where we like" regardless of your soft chatty approach then the whole process of containing your natural temperament will take place. Your manner like your temperament, is you and you can't change and should never try to change your personality. You can keep your temperament intact but at the same time remain approachable, hospitable, fair and reasonable. Perhaps steam can come from your ears as you smile away... but its better than conflict. We can improve ourselves but our temperament can't be touched. Its valuable, its unique and its ...naturally and permanently you. Tony WK

PENFRIENDS cyber style!

replies: 9

Hi Everyone, I'm wondering how many of you had penfriends in the past or who may have written to family members or friends? At one stage I had over 50 penfriends from all over the world and loved reading about their lives, customs and daily happening... View more

Hi Everyone, I'm wondering how many of you had penfriends in the past or who may have written to family members or friends? At one stage I had over 50 penfriends from all over the world and loved reading about their lives, customs and daily happenings. A lot of these dear friends have moved on now one way or another. I'm still in touch with a guy whom I have been writing to since I was 10 years old, so that has been for just over 40 years! I also have four dear friends overseas whom I have been writing to for 30 years. Now we have the internet and the ability to send emails and keep in touch in so many ways I have not even been able to comprehend! Ha. Ha. A letter used to take 2 weeks to reach Europe and then if the person replied straight away, you would have to wait another two weeks for their letter to be returned! Now we can do it in almost an instant. Despite all of this modern technology, people are still lonely and feel alone. I have created this thread so people can make contact with others and hopefully form an online friendship. While doing so, we may be able to share with each other how to make new friendships in every day life as well face to face. This is my introduction to this thread, I will start a penfriends cyber style letter and see what happens!

Your defenses

replies: 4

I turned 60 this year. I don't know if its commonly an age thing but more than ever I feel the need to withdraw from society. I'm wise enough to resist any temptation to "knee jerk", to withdraw completely, besides, been there done that. At ages 21 a... View more

I turned 60 this year. I don't know if its commonly an age thing but more than ever I feel the need to withdraw from society. I'm wise enough to resist any temptation to "knee jerk", to withdraw completely, besides, been there done that. At ages 21 and 24yo on both occasions I strapped a hunting rifle to my motorcycle and headed for the hills. 5 days I lasted each time. I was a hopeless hunter and had I caught game I likely wouldn't have gone further in the process to eat it. And I ran out of my baked beans. Obviously it wasn't planned well. However it did worry me that I'd thrown my jobs in and not told anyone of my decision. That had smacked against my general nature of being responsible To this day some nearly 40 years not much has changed in terms of the overall feeling of wanting to escape...but from what or whom? I've narrowed it down to people. Not all people but.. .most. most people- will walk over the top of you in the workplace to achieve the slightest advantage. Will deceive you especially public figures. Will steal your children if they are in contact with some cult organisations. Will ridicule you for your thoughts because in their eyes you are not entitled to an opinion that doesn't match theirs. And so on. Is this fear you also? But regardless of these strong negative thoughts there has to be a middle ground whereby I,we,can survive. It won't be perfect and that has to be accepted. In this new millennium social media plays the biggest part for this is where we have contact with most people. Facebook is my enemy. Sure posting instant pics especially to.family is fabulous. You become closer. So I feel that its time to significantly reduce my other friends Clubs?. Most of my fb friends are in a motoring club. Are they friends? I've pondered that overnight. I can choose 4, two couples out of 90. Some of the remainder are often sarcastic, popularist, jealous and all sorts of behaviour that is not considered healthy and stable for my needs. Again I'm going to be careful, mature and leave with the least fanfare at a time when I feel its right. Sometimes we have to make decisions we dont like for the greater good of our future. We don't need to be abrasive nor over reactive. Reducing the number of people you are in contact with can help some maintain a comfort zone. Reduction also with news watching, local newspapers and politics is also needed. Nuture yourself. Most won't understand. But when has "most" ever understood? Tony WK

Advice please, my bucket gets full

replies: 9

Stress, my family's word we used for a few decades to describe the feeling that seemed so crippling. The symptom that is most obvious if all is the brain entering a confused state. At that point thinking at all is limited to such a low level I can ju... View more

Stress, my family's word we used for a few decades to describe the feeling that seemed so crippling. The symptom that is most obvious if all is the brain entering a confused state. At that point thinking at all is limited to such a low level I can just mutter the words "I don't know" when asked what is wrong. An example. My dear wife asks me where here umbrella was. I reply I don't know but am aware I used it last. So I begin a search. She joins me in the garage to tell me she recalled we took it when we attended the gym recently. Confusion builds as I'm forced to push my (short term) memory beyond its limits. Frustration ever present. The phone rings. Its a local man asking about fire station issues. The the bucket overflows when we have one if our many power outages. My poor wife, she cops it when she asks, while I'm busy lifting, refuelling and starting the generator "did you find the umbrella"? i know this is life. It was worse when I worked. To little time. Now I have time but the overflowing bucket is an event almost daily. Once the bucket overflows I cannot think clearly, I go into shutdown mode. I can only occupy my mind with one thing only...eg the generator in this case as it is a priority. And I'll get wet too as I haven't found the umbrella yet. Lol At this point my wife knows she cannot discuss anything as I'm incapable of thinking beyond what in doing. When you have a living partner that talks aloud you indeed have an issue..." Wow look at that bird over there". I look, I get more frustrated as looking has diverted my attention from the generator so I raise my voice in frustration, wife gets angry and says "I was talking to myself". I return to the garage at a fast frustrating pace as I'm trying to get everything on my mind done and I trip over an object on the ground...head butts the roller door on my way to the floor. Object I tripped over I'm staring at on the floor.,.is the umbrella... So, diagnosis has been accurate as bipolar 2, depression and dysthymia. Meds, mood stabilisers and low level if anti depressants the latter can't be raised as it makes me manic. Do any of you have this stress problem and more directly the feeling that your mind has reached its maximum ability to absorb any more information and is in a state of confusion. It is debilitating. The overflowing bucket. Tony WK

Is love all you need?

replies: 1

Pick a love song. Most songs are about love. John Lennon penned then sang "All you need is love" he didn't sing - all you need is to give love, nor all you need is to receive love. He didn't sing all you need is to love a pet and not rejoice at the a... View more

Pick a love song. Most songs are about love. John Lennon penned then sang "All you need is love" he didn't sing - all you need is to give love, nor all you need is to receive love. He didn't sing all you need is to love a pet and not rejoice at the affection returned. Pure love from a living animal. So love the word is strong and can mean so many things to so many people. In the song "what a wonderful world" Louie Armstrong sings "there are friends shaking hands saying how do you do, they're really saying...I love you" I had a single man as a friend years ago. I'd known him from his age of 38 to 70 years. He would talk at length to anyone willing to listen. Was this what Louie was singing about? I interpret things all the time and with love as being the only thing we need my thoughts are that love between me and another person or a pet, can provide inner security as if it is a precious sanctuary that through its gifts of affection, care and whatever rocks your boat with love downloads to other things. We can be bouyed by love, inspired, sexually content, etc and let's not forget that when you unite with that person as a live in partnership your chores are halved as are some financial benefits. A bit off track but there are 'spin offs" that can contribute towards happiness. Happiness, whether it means you prefer to live alone with your pet or in unity with a partner or talking to other people...its love and its essential to most of us. Several weeks ago I was in Katherine NT on my round oz trip. With car issues I'd fallen into a dark place. I met an indigenous man sitting on a naturestrip. He told me his uncle and subsequent ancestors were the original owners of the land of which I stood. He stood up. I grasped the opportunity to say "I honour your ancestors". He hugged me. Never before had I felt such unexpected love. " can you give me a lift home"? He asked. I had to let him down as I had no car. I returned to our caravan really elevated. My wife saw a profound change in a short period. Love can heal, bring happiness, divert your confused mind and provide others of which you give love to, an opportunity to receive it from them. But expect nil reward. It is priceless. Seek it, live by it, cradle it and show it. Some strangers wait for it, give it to them (compliment?). Lead the way,.it is then infectious.This way of life, attitude, will help you with your strategy of staying well, a positive development. Lennon was right. Your thoughts? Tony WK

Planning a healthier mind

replies: 62

Seems so many projections are made for short medium and long term goals. We plan our careers, education, loans for houses, cars or holidays. Why is it that some of us don’t have any projections of where our mind will be in 5 or 10 years? One answer c... View more

Seems so many projections are made for short medium and long term goals. We plan our careers, education, loans for houses, cars or holidays. Why is it that some of us don’t have any projections of where our mind will be in 5 or 10 years? One answer could be that with our demons we live on hope and we live day to day. Hope that scars from our traumatic childhood will one day be conquered. Or maybe that you as one of several siblings was just the unlucky one with bipolar and that one day there will be a cure or it will…go away? Perhaps you dream of your abusive parent paying you a visit one day out of the blue and offers a sincere apology that will fix everything from the next day onwards.? It doesn’t seem realistic does it? So if you think the same as me, why aren’t we planning projections, goals, to our future mental health? We plan our physical fitness routine don't we? It seems odd to me that with the one thing that stops us blending successfully into society, our mental stability, we live on hope but not extend our efforts of treatment to include our own long term plan. So here goes? At what stage of your recovery from depression, anxiety, do you want to be in 2020? We have covered many times the fact that managing your illness rather than seeking a full recovery is more real saving us from disappointment and self loathing. So what projections can you give yourself for your hard work at researching your illness and improving yourself? My goal is that by 2020 I will have a stable family relationship with all my selected family members. There are rocky ones in there that partially has been due to my moods and lack of patience. Patience isn’t on supermarket shelves but I can try when those people are around me to listen and make effort to care more. To express that to them directly. In terms of personal relationships I plan to be less outspoken and more tolerant. My goal by 2025 (I’ll be 69yo) is to be rid of guilt for anything I’ve done to anyone that was unreasonable. Based on the fact that you cant undo the past and I am remorseful. This is not for others, this goal is for me, for my peace, for my worth as a man. Part of being positive is to make plans that are achievable. To avoid being “stuck” in not advancing with your mental health, plan your mental well being as you would saving for a new car. Goals daily, monthly, yearly, 10 years. you can improve. Fall down? get back up and plan again Do you have a plan? Tony WK

Pinned discussions

A Bouquet for Pearls - share your appreciation for other members

replies: 715

All discussions

"You are not being reasonable"!

replies: 15

Discussion: Taking it one day at a time.

replies: 12

Finding inspiration online

replies: 2

Charity begins at home

replies: 4

Your temperament

replies: 1

PENFRIENDS cyber style!

replies: 9

Your defenses

replies: 4

Advice please, my bucket gets full

replies: 9

Is love all you need?

replies: 1

Planning a healthier mind

replies: 62

Staying well

A Bouquet for Pearls - share your appreciation for other members replies: 715

"You are not being reasonable"! replies: 15

Discussion: Taking it one day at a time. replies: 12

Finding inspiration online replies: 2

Charity begins at home replies: 4

Your temperament replies: 1

PENFRIENDS cyber style! replies: 9

Your defenses replies: 4

Advice please, my bucket gets full replies: 9

Is love all you need? replies: 1

Planning a healthier mind replies: 62

A Bouquet for Pearls - share your appreciation for other members

replies: 715

"You are not being reasonable"!

replies: 15

Discussion: Taking it one day at a time.

replies: 12

Finding inspiration online

replies: 2

Charity begins at home

replies: 4

Your temperament

replies: 1

PENFRIENDS cyber style!

replies: 9

Your defenses

replies: 4

Advice please, my bucket gets full

replies: 9

Is love all you need?

replies: 1

Planning a healthier mind

replies: 62